My Tesseract Party Campaign Platform (Updated and Under Construction)

 As you all know, in 2022 I launched the Tesseract Grift Party which rejected the false divisions of all states of matter, energy and politics!

We weren't Left.

And weren't Right.

But also we weren't Forward.

And not Behind.

Instead, the Tesseract party pledged to be fully present in all four dimensions and at all quantum states.

We sought to avoid the partisanship of the Left, Right and Forward parties by recognizing that, at the subatomic level, all of us are equal.

And that's where true reform must begin: at the quantum level.  

Well, that didn't go over like the house on fire my advisors thought it would, so we went back to the drafting table and are reworking the party platform so we can 

1. Regulate sound levels across all streaming and broadcast platforms so that it doesn't jump wildly every god damn time you change the channel.  


2. If citizens over 55 or 62 or 65 will continue to be referred to as "Senior Citizens", then citizens under 55 or 62 or 65 will now officially be referred to as "Junior Citizens".


3. Any Democratic office holder, candidate for office, influencer, loudmouth or "ally" who uses any variation of the phrase "this isn't a partisan issue" or "this isn't about left or right" gets tased in the taint.   


4. Any Democratic office holder, candidate for office, influencer, loudmouth or "ally" who insists that we drop the issue of Donald Trump's massive coverup of his dead best friend's child sex trafficking network in favor of "kitchen table issues" will be required to spend six hours sitting at the kitchen table of a MAGA simpleton and listen respectfully to them yawp about Obama and treason and Crooked Hillary and Joe Biden how eggs now cost 9 cents a dozen and gas is virtually free and 202 was rigged and Donald Trump was sent by Jesus.


5. Medicare for all, legal weed, legal abortions and all the rest of the good stuff.

More to come and thank you for your attention to this matter.

Ain't no party like a Tesseract party

'Cause a Tesseract party don't stop 

at three dimensions!

Elon Musk Just Rang The Dinner Bell...

... for every cheapjack, hustlebuck Third Party grifter.  

So I am moved to wonder if he would be open to throwing a few million in my direction for my very own Third Party effort.  Because I have all the buzzwords!  I promise all the things!  All I lack is a few million in seed money.

It's all here in my 2022 prospectus.

Today We Launch The Tesseract Party! 

Don't fall for the Forward hype!

Our Tesseract party rejects the false divisions of all states of matter, energy and politics!

We're not Left.

And we're not Right.

But we're also not Forward.

And not Behind.

Instead, our Tesseract party is fully present in all four dimensions and at all quantum states.

Our party avoids the partisanship of the Left, Right and Forward parties by recognizing that, at the subatomic level, all of us are equal.

And that's where true reform must begin: at the quantum level.  

And what quantum level policies and reforms are we proposing to bring Real Change to our broken politics?  

This is where we at the Tesseract party are truly revolutionary, because we dare to take a superpositioning  approach to all policy and reform development. (h/t Andy Birss@1957AJB)

Our proprietary Tesseractarian development methodology begins by recognizing that all policies and all reforms exist in all possible quantum states simultaneously, and are therefore unknowable and unobservable.  And they will remain there, as a cloud of probabilities, until a team of  Tesseractarian quantum political experts have poll-tested all of them at at the same time, at which point we anticipate that actual policies and reforms may or may not precipitate out of this cloud of infinite possible outcomes.  

Then we send in a second team of  Tesseractarian quantum political experts who will test each policy and reform to determine whether or not it can be safely observed by the public!

But our revolutionary Tesseractarian development methodology can't work without you!  We need your passion!  Your energy!  Your unwavering commitment to never taking any position on anything!  And most importantly, your money!  

We have a variety of sponsorship levels available, from Photon and Gluon to Boson and Higgs-Boson, but all contributions at any level are welcome.   

The Tesseract Party: Literally, a new dimension in politics!  (h/t Charles Evans @cme7677)

The Tesseract Party:  Solving Tomorrow's Problems Yesterday!

Plus: The Tesseract Party has teamed up with the Moebius Party!!

Ain't no party like a Tesseract party

'Cause a Tesseract party don't stop 

at three dimensions!

Breaking Tesseract Party News: The Moebius Party Has Teamed Up With The Tesseract Party!!!

This is big news folk.  Maybe the biggest new in the history of Time, Space and Dimension!

This morning we at the Tesseract Party are thrilled to announce that another awesome and semiotically-adjacent political party -- the righteous Moebius Party -- has joined our ranks.

The Moebius Party (Motto:  Both Sides are One Side are No Sides are One Side are Both Sides) has a long and storied history of advocating fundamental change in the direction of things by fundamentally changing the way "directions" work.  At our annual meeting we found our individual party's values so compatible and complimentary that it just made sense to Team Up on this momentous Dream Up.

So today they have formally signed the Codicils of Cooperation which makes them official members and media ambassadors of the Tesseract Party.  And just like *that*, the Tesseract Party has doubled its size, its reach and its fundraising potential!!

Don't wait.   Get in on the ground floor of what will almost certainly turn out to be the greatest political movement in any dimension now now now!!!

The Tesseract Party: Literally, a new dimension in politics!  (h/t Charles Evans @cme7677)

The Tesseract Party:  Solving Tomorrow's Problems Yesterday!

Ain't no party like a Tesseract party

'Cause a Tesseract party don't stop 

at three dimensions!

Andrew Yang: A Series of Embarrassing Fuck-Ups

Andrew Yang likes to talk.  A lot.  You can find him almost any day at almost any time, flogging the hell out of his Third Party grift on social media.   For example, if only Wyoming had open primaries -- which is one of his Four Word Party's only two "policy" positions -- Liz Cheney coulda shoulda won the Republican primary instead of getting wiped out by a conspiracy mongering lunatic.

Here’s the problem - Liz Cheney can’t win a Republican primary in Wyoming or in 2024. The closed party primaries are empowering Trump. Several moderate Republicans are trying to figure out how to challenge him and are considering ways to do so both inside and outside the Party. https://t.co/WyP6xZpnrP

— Andrew Yang🧢⬆️🇺🇸 (@AndrewYang) August 17, 2022

The problem? Wyoming already has a functionally open primary system. From Ballotpedia:

Wyoming law stipulates that parties conduct open primaries for congressional and state-level offices. While a voter must be affiliated with a political party in order to participate in its primary election, any voter, regardless of previous partisan affiliation, may change his or her affiliation on the day of the primary.

A fact which has not exactly been kept a closely guarded secret.

I know this.  You know this.  My neighbor who drinks beer and lectures squirrels all day knows this.  And my cats know this. 

And how do we know this?

Because Liz Cheney's entire electoral strategy for months has been to urge Democrats and independents to switch over and vote for her in the primary.  Because for months, from sea to shining sea, every electronic device capable of receiving broadcasted sound or text or emojis has been relaying this information to the public on behalf of Liz Cheney.

So you'd think that maybe, just maybe, the founder of a new political party would at least be peripherally aware of this.  Especially a political party whose magic formula for fixing all of America's political woes was what was actually on the Wyoming ballot last night.  And if he didn't know, you'd think that before shooting off his bazoo in such a public and humiliating way he'd have taken a minute to maybe check in with his fellow party spokesmodels like Whitman and Kinzinger.  

But he didn't.  Because Andrew Yang likes to talk.  A lot.

So what actually happened in Wyoming last night?

Andrew Yang's miracle cure for what ails American politics was put to the test.

And it failed.

Bigly.

Because by a more than 2-to-1 margin,Wyoming voters wanted a conspiracy mongering lunatic.  

Because the problem is not the process.  The problem is the voters.  And that is a hard, stark reality for which buzzword-peddling political grifters have no answer.

Which is why we here at the driftglass blog are excited to announce the launching of the Tesseract party!  

Our party avoids the partisanship of the Left, Right and Forward parties by recognizing that, at the subatomic level, all of us are equal.   And that's where true reform must begin: at the quantum level.  

Read more about this exciting, new venture here!

Ain't no party like a Tesseract party

'Cause a Tesseract party don't stop 

at three dimensions!

Dear Wonkette, You Suck at Photoshop

Seriously, I love you and your carbolic acid snark and witheringly clever commentors and all, but Jesus Sponge Tool Christ you suck at Photoshop.

And the thing is, this tragedy need not continue another day because there are really good graphic artists out there who would be glad to help you out.

Consider, for example, the case of Mr. Charles P. Pierce of Esquire magazine.  When Charlie decided to commandeer the David Brooks beat, he too started off with sucky graphics because not everyone can be good at everything.  Eventually, though, Mr. Pierce got someone to match well-crafted graphics with his writing and so by the time Mr. Pierce decided to commandeer the Sunday Morning beat, he had learned his lesson and started with some decent visual art right off the bat.

You have sterling and hard-won reputation for sparkling verbal brutality, Wonkette, so why do you keep poo-dipping it with graphics that look like 

a visual ransom note hastily assembled in the back seat of a speeding car with blown shocks by someone with safety scissors, a pot of glue and a very severe case of DTs? 

First, why choose this photo at all?  Outside of the circles you run in, Liz Cheney is virtually unknown and her face contains no obvious visual cues as to her identity, so why choose a photo of her that says nothing about who she is other than 


"I am a blonde lady standing in front of a brick wall and possibly moving my extensive Holly Hobby doll collection into my new office"?

Second, really?  Your just gonna take Dick Cheney's face, crop it with a pair of lawn shears and bolt it to some (as far as we know) anonymous blonde lady's profile?  Really?

Liz is nothing but her horrible daddy's horrible little cipher -- 

HORRIBLE DRAGON LADY LIZ CHENEY THINKS CZECHOSLOVAKIA IS STILL A THING 

Before repeatedly using his deal with Satan to cheat death, former Vice President and It’s A Wonderful Life villain Dick Cheney brought spawn into the world and it immediately began saying horrible things that are false and stupid...

-- so why not take another minute or two to think about what you want your pic to convey?  Why not look around Teh Internet for raw materials that tell the story you want to tell?

Here, for example, are my own efforts that I created as an instructional aid just for this post.  



It took me about 15 minutes to locate the pics I wanted and another 40 minutes to build the thing.  I worked it up on my creaky 7-year-old laptop with its creaky 7-year-old version of Photoshop and jittery mouse, and I would have gotten it posted lot faster had I not gotten enamored of these two photos first





and burned 45 minutes trying to make them work (the end result was, in my modest opinion, several hundred times better than what you posted but still wasn't up to my standards so I pitched it.)

The first step to getting better, Wonkette, is admitting you are powerless over sucking at Photoshop.

Counselors are standing by.

A Lullaby for David Frum

Who, like all of Conservatism's Good German Expatriates, somehow managed to miss every single gigantic warning sign about Brownshirt nature of the monster they were creating during all of the years they were prospering from the fruits of that monster's depraved labors.

And now -- once the monster he had been only-too-happy to wired up and turn loose to stomp on people like us had finally and predictably turned on him -- Frum runs in freaked-out little circles squealing "OMG! OMG! Where did this monster come from?! And how can "we" stop it!?"

From the irrepressible First Draft:

They Thought They Could Control It

David Frum, going, "I say, old chap, maybe inviting this frothing, flea-infested, mangy were-panther to our lovely garden soirée was a bad idea."
...

I mean, COME ON. Did you really not think you'd be lunch at some point? It's one thing to know it and have a death wish. People jump out of planes. People do all kinds of shit they know is dangerous as hell and it's kinda sexy to live that far on the edge, but only if you know. If you've got yourself a degree in Advanced Self-Deception and you think it is going to be okay to keep a zoo animal in your living room because it owes you something for naming and putting a little hat on it, I don't even know what to do with you. That kind of idiocy exhausts me down to my bones.

They nurtured these freaks for years. The entire apparatus of the sensible Republican Party of which Frum is so enamored, which started unprovoked wars and slashed necessary funding for programs that helped people but at least did it with pinky finger properly cocked, was RUN on keeping people like this chained to the machines.
...

Fuck him. And every one of Conservatism's Good Germans like him.

In any other profession, being that horribly fucking wrong about the very subject you are hired to be right about would be a career-ender.

Among the Conservative pundit-class it gets you promoted.

Or at least one big, ol' payday:

The 2011 Sammie Awards were held last night in Chicago.

CHICAGO – Tonight, the Sam Adams Alliance (SAM) announced the winners of the 4th annual Sammies awards. Nearly 400 guests, including John Stossel, Andrew Breitbart, and Brad Thor, took part in the celebration of ordinary Americans who take extraordinary steps to advance freedom. The winners from across the country were recognized for their engagement as watchdogs, reformers, messengers, and strategists
...

Ben Domenech of Alexandria, VA. Mr. Domenech along with Brad Jackson of Austin, TX won the $10,000 Messenger Award for their original and popular daily podcast, Coffee and Markets. With over 5,000 downloads each day, Coffee and Markets has quickly become one of the most widely listened podcasts on the right.

Yes, that Ben Domenech.

From "Pissed on Politics":

Ben Domenech aka Box Turtle
Posted by PoliShifter on 23 March 2006, 4:03 pm

The blogosphere was up in arms a couple of days ago over the Washington Post hiring conservative blogger Ben Domenech aka Box Turtle. He gets his name box turtle from The Subversive Intellectual Society in regards to the following.

[And as a speechwriter for Senator John Cornyn (R - TX), he [Ben Domenech] penned these immortal lines:

It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. . . . Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife. ]

The above was a bit in the war against gay marriage. Well it turns out that this Box Turtle Ben Domenech is a bit of a plagiarist as well as a homophobe.
...

From the "Washington Post":

Ben Domenech Resigns

In the past 24 hours, we learned of allegations that Ben Domenech plagiarized material that appeared under his byline in various publications prior to washingtonpost.com contracting with him to write a blog that launched Tuesday.

An investigation into these allegations was ongoing, and in the interim, Domenech has resigned, effective immediately.
...

Heroes.

Heroes all.

Construction Impediments

Temporarily increase pedestrian distance to my local elevated train station by 17 feet.