What 2024 Pundits Taught Us

Poor debate performances are absolutely decisive.

Also...

Poor debate performances don't matter in the slightest.

Wait?  

What?

I Am The Liberal Media

Professional Left Podcast Episode 843: Socialism For All. Again!

"Many a time freedom has been rolled back - and always for the same sorry reason: fear." -- Molly Ivins

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Professional Left Podcast Episode 842: A Short, Pre-Debate Podcast

"Balk the enemy's power; force him to reveal himself." --Sun Tzu

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This Is Why I Keep Archives.*

This post from October of 2012 is a real artifact of the Before Time.  The lede originally consisted of two videos, one long since taken down, the other now tagged as private.  And a big chunk of the post was from Andrew Sullivan's section at The Daily Beast blog* which Tina Brown gave him when she was running the place and which no longer exists.  And the time, between his own blog, The Daily Dish (and thanks to GrafZeppelin127 for the catch)* Sullivan bid fair to being the most read non-mainstream-media politics and media person on the internet.

Also bear in mind that this was about Barack Obama's first presidential debate with Mitt Romney which took place in October, not June.  

Let us proceed.

From this very blog, October 9, 2012 (before I'd begun the "Stupid Shit Andrew Sullivan Says" Feature.)

 +++++++++++

Andrew Sullivan

Based on President Obama's one-sentence joke about his people making him "do his homework", Mr. Sullivan (who has to-date penned over one million "Newsweek" cover articles which, in their aggregate, make Obama out to be the Magic Black Gay Risen Gandalf Christ) concludes that POTUS is...

... 

Too arrogant to take a core campaign responsibility seriously. Too arrogant to give his supporters what they deserve. If he now came out and said he supports Simpson-Bowles in its entirety, it would look desperate, but now that Romney has junked every proposal he ever told his base, and we're in mid-October, it's Obama's only chance on the economy.

... 

I've never seen a candidate self-destruct for no external reason this late in a campaign before. Gore was better in his first debate - and he threw a solid lead into the trash that night. Even Bush was better in 2004 than Obama last week. Even Reagan's meandering mess in 1984 was better - and he had approaching Alzheimer's to blame. 

I'm trying to see a silver lining. But when a president self-immolates on live TV, and his opponent shines with lies and smiles, and a record number of people watch, it's hard to see how a president and his party recover. I'm not giving up. If the lies and propaganda of the last four years work even after Obama had managed to fight back solidly against them to get a clear and solid lead in critical states, then reality-based government is over in this country again. We're back to Bush-Cheney, but more extreme. We have to find a way to avoid that. Much, much more than Obama's vanity is at stake.

So another Surrogate Daddy has broken Mr. Sullivan's heart.  Well, I'm sure he'll find someone else's media image to fling himself into sooner or later.

Meanwhile Mr. Sullivan, if you want a real joy ride, then try the Full Liberal Experience by rinsing and repeating the disappointment you feel at this moment over and over again for 30 or 40 years.  

Experience to gen-u-ine thrill of...

...being right about really important issues. 

...being excluded from any conversation of those really important issues because Liberals are icky and hate America! 

...watching the national dialogue about those important issues being framed by fascists, theocrats, imbeciles and corporate popinjays floating crackpot theories that have all failed dozens times before. 

...being mocked and marginalized as an America-hating, cut-and-run Commie Fifth Columnist for opposing the fascists, theocrats, imbeciles and corporate popinjays and their crackpot theories that have all failed dozens times before.  

...watching your country being driven to ruin by fascists, theocrats, imbeciles and corporate popinjays all implementing their crackpot theories that have all failed dozens times before.   

...watching the fascists, theocrats, imbeciles and corporate popinjays emerge unscathed from the rubble of the catastrophe their crackpot theories have once again created.  Unscathed and loudly proclaiming slogans like "No one could have predicted this would happen!" and "If Only Both Sides Hadn't Been So Partisan!"  and "The problem was that our crackpot theories were not implemented fully and purely enough, but next time..." 

...and then watching as the same fascists, theocrats, imbeciles and corporate popinjays gear up to do it all over again.

That, Mr Sullivan, has been the reality of being an American Liberal for the last several decades: despised, marginalized, constantly disappointed by weak leaders, horrified by the outright, giddy thuggery, lies, bigotry and treason of the Right, enraged by the cowardice and complicity of most of the media and, despite it all, steadfastly engaged in the long-term project of building our more perfect union.

And that, Mr. Sullivan, is a life you cannot handle.

 +++++++++++

And you know what?  Turns out he couldn't handle it.  

I Am The Liberal Media

Professional Left Podcast Episode #795: No Fair Remembering Trump-Era Presidential Debates

Hugh Hewitt Makes History

Last night Hugh Hewitt made history by being the first cyborg sent from the future to destroy America to co-moderate a Republican presidential candidate debate.

Amazing that NBC had to agree to rope in a smarmy apparatchik like Hugh Hewitt to make it a safe space for the Republican candidates.

— Brian Beutler (@brianbeutler) November 9, 2023

On the one hand, he was terrible.

On the other hand, he was no worse than the other two moderators, or the goobers up on the stage.  

I dunno what I was watching last night, but it sure as hell wasn't a "debate" among people who were trying to beat Donald Trump.

I Am The Liberal Media

Get Your Election On: Post-Debate Analysis

(Concept lifted from David Rees' brilliant, Bush-era "Get Your War On" series -- a well from which I may continue to draw inspiration from time to time as the crazy continues to grow exponentially.)

No Half Measures

“...additional tools...”

Sure.  Whatever.

And now the debate commission stands exposed as just one more sclerotic American political institution daintily trying to sidestep the obvious problem that there are no "addition structures" which will civilize a contest when one of the participants is a lying, bomb-throwing sociopath.  

JUST IN - The Commission on Presidential Debates says it will adopt changes ahead of next debate pic.twitter.com/Ok6U1Yme2v

— Josh Lederman (@JoshNBCNews) September 30, 2020

Because without a shock-collar on President Stupid and a kill-switch on his microphone and an on-site team of fact-checkers who are given equal time to assign the appropriate level of "Pants on Fire" to every lie coming out of his mouth, there is no way on Earth to stop Trump from turning any "debate' into a shit-flinging madhouse.

No Half Measures

And Then There Were Two

Maybe I'm a freak (OK, definitely) but I am genuinely looking forward to a no-audience debate between Vincent Price and Charlie Weaver this Sunday.  Neither of them was my first choice, but both of them have earned the right to be on that stage, and both of them need to be able to field serious questions about serious issues.

Behold, a Tip Jar!

The Shouty Shout Shout "Debate"

Over the Better Universe, last night's debate went something like this:

Moderator:  Do you agree with Donald Trump's face-down-ass-up approach to North Korean 'diplomacy'?

Everyone:  Are you fucking kidding me?

But we don't live in the Better Universe.

We live here.  And if you watched any piece of last night's "debate", congratulations! You were a witness to history, because that was, hands down, the worst presidential debate I have ever seen. In fact I'm banking the time I spent watching it to apply it against any future community service obligations to which I may be sentenced.

The moderators were an embarrassment who seemed to realize early on that the ship was headed for the rocks and just shrugged and leaned into it.  The questions were facile.  The Bloomberg and "Medicare For All Will Kill Us All" commercials they ran during the breaks showed exactly what kind of crassly mercantile freak-show CBS knew it was running here.  And once the candidates figured out they were on their own sans traffic cops or mediators, it turned into a Lord of the Flies scrum over whose got the conch.

Narrator: There was no conch.

I cannot imagine that the opinions of Democratic primary voters were changed very much by this mess, but there were a scattering of memorable moments, and here are a few of them...

Bloomberg really sucks at this.  His awkward scripted ad-libs just lay there like dead trout. He was never more than two minutes away from a "Please clap"moment, but when you rent your own cheering section I guess that doesn't matter much. There was also this --

WOULD YOU EXPUNGE THE RECORDS OF THE BLACK & BROWN PEOPLE YOU HARRASSED INTO JAIL? #StopAndFrisk @MikeBloomberg

— Frangela (@frangeladuo) February 26, 2020

-- which was a big, fat, slow pitch which no one thought to belt out of the park.

Biden did...OK.  Being this guy in answer to every question --

-- gets really old really fast, but his genial mention of his "Catholic school training" was a nice touch.

Mayor Pete name-checking his spouse as a teacher was a nice touch too.  He also knows how to do scripted ad-libs in exactly the same way that Bloomberg does not.  For example, asking Bernie how he expects to pull off a revolution if he can't support a rules change in the Senate.

How is that we got halfway through this thing and Tom Steyer was almost the only one going after Donald Trump with a sword in both hands?

Klobuchar's answer on the Corona virus was good.  She and Mayor Pete fighting over who gets the hog the I-94 center lane didn't move the needle for either of them.

Warren did nothing to make me doubt that she would make a fine president.  She's smart, has a confident command of the policy details, is very good public speaker, I would definitely watch a ten episode Netflix series of her verbally pistol-whipping Mike Bloomberg.  Her pitch is simple: she has the chops to actually get her ideas drafted into legislation and passed into law.

Bernie was Bernie. For me, he is at his most effective when he uses humor or calmly explains why some stupid question that someone tossed his way was stupid and then pivots back to his central message.  And his pitch remains the same: his revolution will sweep aside or overwhelm the creaky, slow and easily obstructed means by which a bill currently becomes a law.

For the record and the umpteenth time, I will be voting blue no matter who.

I Want Just Enough Socialism To Make Charlie Sykes Weep Tears of Blood

Once Upon a Time on Hollywood Squares...

The format was an abject failure.

The "moderators" were an embarrassment.

The questions were straight from the GOP Talking Point PEZ Dispenser.  Which is no surprise given who Jeff Zucker hired to run political coverage for CNN:

CNN Is Criticized for Hiring Trump Administration Aide as a Political Editor

Sarah Isgur Flores, a Republican spokeswoman who worked most recently for the Justice Department, has been hired by CNN to help with the network’s political coverage, propelling a Trump administration official directly into a news role for a top cable network.

Her hiring as a “political editor,” not a commentator, led to internal and external criticism of CNN for placing a Republican political operative in a position to help guide daily political coverage, including 2020 presidential campaign news.

In an internal memo on Wednesday announcing the hire, CNN’s Washington bureau chief, Sam Feist, said Ms. Isgur would spend the first few months getting to know CNN, and then “play a coordinating role” in covering politics.

“We’re thrilled that Sarah is coming to CNN,” Mr. Feist wrote. “She brings a wealth of government, political, communications and legal experience to our team.”

Ms. Isgur recently worked as a spokeswoman for the Justice Department, including for Jeff Sessions, the former attorney general whom President Trump fired in November, and for Rod J. Rosenstein, the deputy attorney general who has overseen the special counsel’s Russia investigation. She sent a goodbye email from her Justice Department account on Friday.

She previously worked as a deputy campaign manager for Carly Fiorina, a Republican who ran for president during the 2016 election...

And the post-debate coverage from both MSNBC and CNN was jaw-droppingly tone deaf, suffocatingly smug and just plain stupid.

The more I've thought about this, the more insidious it feels. Tonight we are in for a repeat performance. Brian Williams understands TV, nothing else. He knows how to tilt his head and jaw to look like a movie star delivering the news. To let him frame the debate is malpractice. https://t.co/jLk2B8ZJpi

— Jay Rosen (@jayrosen_nyu) July 31, 2019

The entire exercise has been an object lesson in journalism failing in its primary duty to democracy:  to inform the public.

So will any of this change anytime soon?

Nope.

Behold, a Tip Jar!

Fundraiser Day Three: Shiva Las Vegas

Nothing could be more a more perfect, freak-show cherry-on-top of this electoral farce than holding the final "debate"  between Hillary Clinton and Trump The Destroyer in Las Vegas.

I am especially looking forward to the post-debate whinging and croaking of all the Sunshine Conservative Patriots who countenanced and profited from every single fucking step down this road into the abyss, but now want to make a great, whooping public display of disquietude so that we can see what creatures of conscience they really are.

In fact, I predicted it would come to this more than a decade ago.

I am also looking forward to seeing Fox News Sick-Puppet Chris "Trashcan Man" Wallace trying to steer the conversation away from the fact that disgraced sexual predator Roger Ailes -- the bloated fascist to whom Wallace owes his professional manhood -- is now Donald Trump's political Life Coach.

My life for you, Roger!  My life for you!

At The Imaginary #Debate

We join our Imaginary Debate, already in progress:

Trump:  I never said "sex tape".  Never said that.  Never.

Moderator:  I'm reading your tweet.  That is literally what you wrote less than a week ago.

Trump:  Doesn't matter.  Also "Mosul!"

Moderator:  What do you mean it "doesn't matter"?  You've told 20 lies in 20 minutes and called for your opponent to be jailed.

Trump:  Hillary lies worse. She lies all the time.  She's lying right now.

Moderator:  No.  She's not.  Why do you say crazy shit like this?

Trump (laughs):  Because my supporters are morons.  Come on, we all know it.  I piss in their face and they ask for seconds.  They're chumps, born and bred. so buried under their own shame and humiliation and ignorance they don't dare admit how thoroughly fucked up they really are.  They're cattle and happy to be that way, so why blame me for leading them to slaughter?

Moderator:  Fair point.

Trump:  Sure, every once in a while a lie blows up in my face so bad I can't dent it away.  So what?  I just say "both sides" and their tiny brains go blank and they wander off into the tall grass looking for a Liberal to blame.  The media -- your whole profession -- does it too.  "Both sides" is a fucking magic.  With it I can cloud men's minds.  With it, I'm Mandrake the Magician.

Moderator:  Holy crap, why are you admitting this?

Trump:  Because the villain always has to kick back and gloat and explain his evil genius scheme to someone. It's how the plot goes.

Moderator:  Sure, but then the villain always gets his ass kicked by James Bond.  The jig is up, Goldfinger!

Trump:  Sorry asshole, but you're not James Bond.  And -- surprise! -- I'm not the villain.  Because I didn't do this.  I didn't teach the meatheads to go all Pavlov's drooling pooch every time some Republican con man fucks them over and then whispers "Both Sides".  You did that.  You and every other lazy, sold-out, overpriced Founier and Brooks and Cokie in the Beltway.  You, not me.  I just cracked your code and used the tools you provided.

Moderator:  Ha!  It doesn't matter.  Jesus, Mary and Joe McCarthy,  this will finally hang you.  I'll win the Pulitzer for this!

Trump:  Really?   Because this sure seems like the sort of nonsense that Both Sides pull all the time.

Moderator:  No.  No, this is different...

Trump:  Are you positive. Are you 100% positive this isn't another case of Both Sides and the ... Corrupt Duopoly ... ?

Moderator:  Well... now that you mention it...

Trump:  Sure.  Sure.  And what about those email, huh?  She sure lied about those.  (Sniff sniff.)  And Benghazi? Oh, how could you forget about Benghaaaaazi and those poor, dead Americans.  (Sniff sniff.)

Moderator (shakes head slowly, dazed):  I'm...sorry, Mr. Trump.  Uh.  OK.  Uh, what were we talking about?

Trump:  Nothing, kiddo.  Nothing at all.

#DebateNight II -- The Lincoln-Thuglas Debate

Last night, after watching some of the run up to the Lowest Moment In American Politics (tm), and then about half an hour of white-hot nonsense from the orange fire demon, I had to step out for a bit. My stepdaughters and their friends needed to be picked pick up from a church function, then one of my a car full of giggly tweens was to to be dropped off at her home while the rest worked out the complex details of a sleepover.

It was a a cool, lovely evening, and very quiet on my street.  No sign that just 90 minutes south of me a madman was stalking around on a stage in front of 80 million people, lying, raving, and promising to lock up his political opponents.  I highly recommend this kind of sharp change in perspective for anyone who finds themselves being sucked into the whatever the Next Lowest Moment In American Politics (tm) will be.

As I worked to find music on the radio to meet everyone's needs (21 Pilots won.  Sorry Johnny Cash: we wuz outnumbered) I wondered about November.  No kidding.  I did not inflict politics on the young ladies (OK, well I did a little, but very gingerly) but I was humbled by the idea that, in less than a month, we would be turning their futures over to either a capable, smart public servant who has worked her whole career to protect and defend girls like these, or a lying, racist lunatic who I wouldn't trust to be alone with these girls for five minutes.

Back at home, everyone safely where they needed to be, I watched the rest of the damn thing, including the post-debate coverage in which, within 20 seconds of this crime-scene being shut down and roped off, everyone from PBS to CNN to MSNBC were racing to declare it a tie and that Donald Trump had finally "stopped the bleeding".  And I put "stopped the bleeding" in quotes because within moments pundits on CNN and PBS (David Brooks) were both using exactly this same phrase.  As if they had already worked out in advance what the narrative was damn well gonna be regardless of the facts on the ground.

@jonfavs Yeah, and too many of them get paid a lot of money for it.

— Joan Walsh (@joanwalsh) October 10, 2016

So for the record, here are my tweets on the Lincoln-Thuglas Debate, roughly in order and upgraded to more than 140 characters where I saw fit to do so:

Remember, in 2008 when Donald Trump thought the Clinton scandal was "totally unimportant".  Good times!

Dyspeptic robot Hugh Hewitt horrified to discover the Republican party is full of Republicans.  Noooooooo!

Dyspeptic robot Hugh Hewitt shocked at this newly-discovered gag reflex.  I'm sure that design flaw will be fixed in the new model.

I'm watching Donald Trump morph into a living Breitbart comment thread live on teevee.

Barack Obama's longest-lasting legacy may be causing the GOP to finally, completely lose its mind & commit public suicide.

Millions of Americans cheer for this scumbag, the lower the better.  They are manifestly unfit to be citizens of this country.

Turns out that Trump's "debate prep" consists of dragging a $20 through a trailer park. Reagan must be so proud!

From what ancient crypt did Gallup find "undecided" voters at this late date?

The Sniff is Back!

Sniff von Sniffington will Sniff America's Great Panties Again.

Hillary is fact-shaming poor Sniff von Sniffington.

The loser stink coming off Sniff von Sniffington is knocking satellites out of their orbit.

Do NOT take a drink every time Sniff von Sniffington lie-sniffs uncontrollably.  You'll be dead of alcohol poisoning in nine  minutes.

I think this is the moment when Sniff von Sniffington finally realized he is going to lose bigly.  Fiery wreck bigly.

Based on his uncontrollable sniffing, whatever gold-plated health insurance Sniff von Sniffington has must suck ass.

Authentic gold-plated madman gibberish ladies and gentlemen.  Sniff!

So we're back to lying about Iraq.  Great.

Trump insists Hillary Clinton wants to deliberately import 1000s of terrorists as a "Trojan Horse".

Trump is distilled asshole wingnut spite on two legs.

Hillary Clinton is objectively pro-Lincoln.

I pay taxes.  Sniiiiiifffff.  Millions and millions of sniiiiiiiffff taxes.  But the IRS won't let me talk about it.  Thanks Obama!

The man who wants to be President brags that he "knows nothing about Russia.  Nothing."

Sniffy von Sniffington thinks senators have imperial magic powers.

Now the moderator is having to take time to explain foreign policy 101 to this raving idiot.  Not kidding.

Sniffy von Sniffington promises to jail his opposition.  Wow.

Sniffy von Sniffington just called his running mate an idiot. Now is your moment Chris Christie!

You built this fucker Hugh Hewitt, David Brooks, David Frum.  All of you, look upon your mighty works and despair.

But Sniff von Sniffington's supporters are deplorable.  In fact, deplorable is the nicest thing I can think to call these meatheads.

Sniff von Sniffington's "I never said "sex tape".  You LITERALLY said "check out sex tape".

Why oh why is Sniff von Sniffington' using the same defective sniff-producing microphone he bitched about during the last debate?

National newspapers set to revive "bulldog editions" just to cover the sheer tonnage of lies that Trump shoveled out in 90 minutes.

It's one thing to see someone set fire to their own dick on teevee.  It's another to see him try to put it out with a claw hammer.

Within 30 seconds of the end PBS, CNN and MSNBC pundits were repeating "stopped the bleeding" and "both sides".

Watching the pundit class getting their stories straight.  Sure, Trump is a banana republic racist who lies constantly, but this was his best debate evar!  Also Hillary didn't incinerate him with her magic, imperial former senator powers, so y'know, basically a tie,

To no one's surprise being a strutting, lying, fascist goon plays well with the GOP base.

 Get it through your heads: the GOP base WANTS a banana republic. They always have.

This wasn't a debate. This was pure wingnut hateporn & the fact that the pig people jerked happily off to it doesn't mean Il Douche won.

If Trump had tried to Gish Gallop his bullshit in any HS  debate anywhere, he'd have been perp walked out immediately, expelled and his school disqualified until the end of time.

Trump lies in such vast and unprecedented ways, we need to find a vocabulary of bulk measurements.  Metric tons.  Board-feet.

Also Hillary Clinton is the "devil" with "hate in her heart".

Also the moderators were Liberals media plants who were conspiring against him.

Eighty Sniffs, One Cup.

Trump emptied the entire contents of every deranged ALL CAPS email I have ever gotten from Crazy Uncle Liberty onto the floor in front of 80 million people, and this morning paid Trump stooges like Kellyanne Conway and voluntary Trump stooges like Joe Scarborough were giddy that Don the Con had done so great!

From my perceptive -- a permanently underemployed, church-going, middle-aged husband and stepdad living on a quiet street in the middle of middle America -- their revels look a lot like this:

Based on Trump's trajectory, expect him to show up to the third debate with a Vince Foster hand-puppet and stalk the stage sniffing and croaking,"Oh Hillary, why did you kiiiill meeeeeee".

And expect the Beltway media to declare the results to be "too close to call".

At the #GOPDebate: The Four Coarse Men Of The Trumpocalypse

A very slightly improved version of my Twitter stream tonight:

Cruz:  Tax cuts and .. wait for it ... wait for it ... wait for it ... deregulation!  Yay!

Rubio:  "Ta-tas".  Yeah.  I said it.

Kasich:  Bam!  Just locked up the Croatian-American vote.  Locked.  Up.

Trump:  Yeah, I screwed you.  I'm a businessman. Whadya expect?  Also I plan to run the government like a business.  Hehehe.

Trump: Did I mention Ben Carson?  "Ben"  "Carson"

driftglass:  Wingnut Common Core hysteria is the Trump Steaks of public policy.

Cruz:  I will exercise my monarchical power on Day One to repeal every word of the godless "Elements of Style".  For freedumb!

Rubio:  On Social Security, I love my mommy but I'm cool screwing over your mommy.

Rubio: I will continue to raise the Social Security retirement age until we reach "post mortem",

Trump: Democrats want to continue Social Security. Crazy, right?  Dividends from Trump Steaks will pay for Social Security until, oh, let's say 2279.

Dana Bash:  Your math is nuts.
Trump: Math is for losers.  I'm a winner.

Cruz:  I will privatize Social Security  Just like Bush!  Remember how much you loved that idea?  Remember?

Cruz:  Ethanol, bitches! Errybuddy take a drank!

Cruz:  Vote for me because I hate our elected government more than Hell itself and have done everything in my power to destroy it.

Trump: See how nice we can be when everybody lays down and does what I tell them to do?

Jake Tapper:  Do you want to revise you "Islam hates us" comment?
Trump:  How about "Islam fucking hates us".  Better?

Trump:  Islam?  I'm not into being politically correct.  I'm into solutions.  Maybe Final Solutions.

Trump:  The only way to beat bad guys who chop off heads is for the good guys to chop off heads.

Rubio:  Four More Wars!  Four More Wars!  Four More Wars!

Cruz:  Isn't it a terrible shame Obama so obviously pro-terrorist?  Thank God  President McCain killed that awful Osama bin Laden!

driftglass: Remind me again why an outright troll like Hugh Hewitt is anywhere near a network microphone?

Cruz:  Without Israel intact there will never be an Armageddon, and Sweet Baby Jebus won't be able to find his way home.  You wanna risk that?  I should think not.

driftglass: Anyone want to ask about US Tax dollars going to help fund abortion clinics in Israel?  Anyone?  Buehler?  Anyone?

Cruz:  The answer is not simply to yell China bad, Muslim bad.  By the way,  Obama bad!  Obama baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Cruz:  Barack Obama strips our military bare and deliberately tries to get them killed.  By terrorists.  On purpose.

Trump:  We used to fight to win.
driftglass:  Agreed. We should never have ended the Civil War until we had destroyed those traitors utterly

Rubio:  When I'm President of the United States...

driftglass:  Bwahahaha.
(Wipes tear)
Best damn joke of the night.

driftglass:  The only thing Rubio wants to do about wounded veterans is create a lot more of them.

Trump:  In Cuba, I will out-Batista Batista.

Cruz:  For God's sake, do not elect smart people to government.  Elect Republicans!

Rubio: Climate change, schmimate change.  All laws are useless!
driftglass:  What is it with with this Republican obsession with throat ramming?

Rubio:  Science. Boy.  I don't know...

Cruz:  'Pology tour!  'Pology tour!  Jimmy Carter!  Iran!  Hostages!

Trump:  "Strong" doesn't mean good.   For example,  right now Marco has a "strong" reek of "loser" coming off of him...

driftglass:  Republican Christian Conservatives Are Neither "Christian" Nor "Conservative".  Discuss!

Tapper:  Some white trash mope Sucker-Trumped a protester at your rally.  Your reaction?
Trump:  I love Murrica.  I love cops.

Tapper:  What about violence at Trump rallies?
Cruz:  For seven years we've had a dirty Commie Kenyan tyrant, so of course you should expect fascists to kick the shit out of people an Trump rallies,

Trump: The media is making all of this Nazis stuff up.  And I promise once I become Chancellor...

Kasich: It's all such a diggity darn shame.

Rubio: I love cops too. And remember when we put a man on the moon?  Wasn't that awesome?
driftglass:  I sure do.  And I also remember that it was a Big Gummint Liberal who used American tax dollars to make that that moon landing possible you asshole.

Cruz:  We should respect the will of the voters.  Except for the idiots who voted for Donald Trump.  They're Hillary's secret army!  Wake up sheeple!

Rubio:  I know nothing of your fancy, Big City "delegate math".  All I know is there's an old man who holds a Rubio sign up every day.  And when I get his vote and several million other imaginary votes...

Trump:  I played and won this rigged game all my life so trust me.

Trump:  Reagan made great deals.
driftglass:  You mean like that awesome deal with Iran to swap  advanced American missiles for dirty cash so he could bankroll his illegal war?

Kasich:  I will continue to run a positive campaign.  For example, I am positive I am going to lose.  And lose big!

Rubio:  Murrica is just...so...awesome.  Just so...fucking...awesome.

Cruz:  Sure I spent a little more for the Premium Top Coverage spray-on bald-spot coating this time, but damn it, it was worth it.

Trump: Unite behind me, losers, and together we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy.

Once again, another "hard hitting" question which is just a set-up for a stealth Trump campaign ad. Fuck you, @CNN. #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 11, 2016

Unbelievable. Un-be-fucking-lievable. @CNN just handed next Tuesday, and the nomination, to Trump. Mark this moment. #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 11, 2016

Yep.

Goodnight kids.

At the #GOPDebate: The Kobayashi Maru (Final)

Part I:  The Lirpa Fight Begins

Chris Wallace:  Mittens talks about your mama.

Donald Trump:  Mittens was a loser.  Failure.  Loser.  His daddy in Mormon Heaven changed his name.  We're getting our ass kicked on trade.  We're losing money to everybody.  Our entire hair shirt industry was shipped to Freedonia.

Chris Wallace:  Bigots. Whaddya think?

Donald Trump:  The Klan are losers and I disavow them.  Like Mittens.

Bret Baier: Marco, you said you don't go personal.  Now that's all you do.  Whazzup?

Marco Rubio: Rules don't apply to me.

Donald Trump: Marco is not that much of a lightweight.  Also I have a huge dick,  Huge.

Ted Cruz: For the folks at home, this is about struggle.  It's also cheaper than NASCAR with twice the explosions.  Working stiffs who Barack Obama have destroyed.  It's about Johnny Truck Drive and Jenny the Hooker.

Donald Trump:  I'm beating Ted's ass red up and down this monkey house, so where does this confidence come from.

Marco Rubio: But many people have voted against you.  Like Ted said...

Donald Trump:  My poll numbers are awesome and lil' Marco can't do basic math.  Sad really.  And I beat Hillary Clinton already and I haven't even started on her yet.

Bret Baier: John Kasich, you seem to be a loser.  I Mitt Romney he high?

John Kasich: Many people who have no intention of every voting for me say nice things about me.  You all wrote me off, but I'm still here!  You all stole my lunch money and shoved me into my locker, but I'm still here!  It's Kasich Time now bitches!

Chris Wallace: The economy is a thing that happens to other people.  Is Trump really a con man and how many jobs have you created Marco?

Marco Rubio: Government does not create jobs.  I have a plan.  It's on a website.  So I have a web developer.  So that's one job.

Donald Trump:  This little guy is such a liar.  I make big money.  China cheating and currency devaluation makes it impossible for me to make a buck selling my crappy ties in this country.

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  I will cut waste fraud and abuse.

Chris Wallace:  But your math is ridiculous.

Donald Trump:  Since when did Republicans start giving a shit about math.

Chris Wallace:  Ted Cruz, after you fire everyone in the IRS, who is going to collect the taxes?

Ted Cruz: I have a postcard.  It will be simple.  We can sack everybody in Obama's IRS Gestapo!  Donald Trump uses angry rhetoric.  Support Ted Cruz and Hail Hydra!

Donald Trump: I spread a lot of money around.  So what.  I was a businessman.  It's how business gets done.

John Kasich: I worked in gummint but don't hold it against me.  I personally balanced the federal budget.

Megyn Kelly: Immigration!  Your pal Jeff Sessions just endorsed Donald Trump.

Ted Cruz: Donald Trump supported Jimmy Carter.  And he gave money to the gang of eight!  And Killary.

Donald Trump: Again, I'm a businessman.  It's how business gets done.  What about this do you not understand.

Ted Cruz: I'm apparently one of the debate moderators now.  Which is awesome.

Megyn Kelly:  There is a secret tape of you at the New York Times.  Are you a lying liar son-of-a-whore.

Donald Trump: Off-the-record conversations are sacred.  Also in business you negotiate.  Duh.

Megyn Kelly: Marco Rubio, you said a buncha shit and now you're taking it back.  Liar?

Marco Rubio: Meep.

Donald Trump: I have too god damn much respect for journalism and for you, angry talking vagina lady, to open up about my own off-the-record conversations.


Part II:  The Lirpa Fight Continues 


Donald Trump:  I'm changing my mind about visas for highly-trained people.

Megyn Kelly: But...but...but...

Donald Trump:  Suck it.

Ted Cruz: I have reversed myself slightly because something something comprehensive investigation something something Donald Trump.  Why does Donald Trump hate Marco's daddy and my mommy. Release the tape!

Donald Trump:  I've had tens of thousands of people who worked for me.  My hotel in Florida has a very short season with a part time job.

Marco Rubio:  Donald won't hire Americans!

Ted Cruz:  Apparently I'm a debate moderator and Joe McCarthy.  Made Donald prove he didn't say shit I'm making up by Releasing The Tape!

Bret Baier: Whither ISIS.

John Kasich: Hillary Clinton just up and decided one day to get rid of Qaddafi.

Bret Baier: A buncha military brass said they would not obey your illegal orders.  What about that.

driftglass:  Jesus, when did Republicans get so delicate about war crimes.

Donald Trump: If I say "Do it", they'll "Do it,"  When the families are in

Ted Cruz:  Yelling and cursing at people don't make you a tough guy.  Just like.  Ronald.  Fucking. Reagan.  Who single-handedly won the Cold War.  I will kill scary brown people harder than anybody.  Scary brown people and Edward Snowden.

Bret Baier: Who are the best people?

Donald Trump:  Here are some names I memorized.  If Russia were afraid of us, they would have sent Snowden back.

John Kasich:  Me and Jeb Bush are both awesome on foreign policy!  Right Jeb?  Jeb? Hey Ben, have you seen Jeb?  Ben?  Ben?  

Part III:

Megyn Kelly:  Donald Trump, you're such a liar.  Let's take a look at the tape.

Donald Trump: Can I respond to that?

Megyn Kelly:  Suck it.  You're in Kelly Town now.

Megyn Kelly stacked up three different questions on three different issues to make Trump out a liar.  Yeah, Trump is a liar, but this absolutely dirty pool.

Megyn Kelly:  Yes, but some people say you're a stinky liar.

Oh great.  "Some people say."

Donald Trump:  I'm flexible.  So sue me.

John Kasich:  This is me, reading my resume.  Wow. Band camp. That was fun. You know, back during my 1 millionth town hall meeting we all agreed that people outside of government are insane.

Marco Rubio:  Yes, Megyn, Donald Trump is a big, stinky liar,

Donald Trump: We have a 98% approval rating and an "A" from the Better Business Bureau.

This coordinated Fox News Rubio, Kelly,Cruz tag-teaming of Trump is very impressive.

Donald Trump: Marco has defrauded the people of Florida.  Defrauded.  Also how is it I;m kicking everyone's ass?

Ted Cruz:  I will beat Hillary Clinton.

John Kasich: People are yearning.  Yearn-ing.  But mommy and daddy are tearing us apart!


Part IV:

Bret Baier: Where have you been on Flint?

Marco Rubio:  Both sides! Both sides! Both sides! How dare the Democrats politicize a Republican governor poisoning his citizens.

Megyn Kelly:  The Detroit schools suck.  Why not fix them?

John Kasich: Those blacks and Democrats, amirite!  Block grants will save us!  People should fix stuff.

Chris Wallace:  Detroit lost 90% of its manufacturing jobs.

Ted Cruz: Failed.  Liberal. Left Wing. Policies.  Are to blame for everything.

Chris Wallace: Sure, OK, but how will you fix this.

Ted Cruz: Repeal Obamacare.  Tax cuts.  Deregulation.  You know, all the usual shit that never works but the rubes always fall for.

Bret Baier: Here come the gays!

John Kasich:  I'm a do-bee.  Not a don't-bee.  Don't sue people you disagree with.  Where has common sense gone? Just calm down, and if you don't want to cater a bondage party, that's fine with me.

Ted Cruz: Marriage should be left to the states, so fuck Loving and double-fuck Virginia.  Also Jesus loves me more than a gay baker loves his dildo cake mold.

Bret Baier: Should people be able to own rocket launchers and nuclear weapons?

Marco Rubio:  Fuck yeah.  All laws are pointless which is why I am 100% pro Purge.

Donald Trump: Machine guns? Fuck yeah.

Ted Cruz: We are one vote away from being shipped off to commie Gulags.  One.  Vote.  Also ignore all that mean stuff I said ten seconds ago about the horrors of "Five Unelected Judges" deciding things.


Part V:

Donald Trump: When I tell people to do things, they will do them.

Marco Rubio:  Why won't we lead anymore?

Ted Cruz: We need nukes...in space!  What about Star Wars, huh?  Why don't we have a Death Star?  I'll tell you why.  Jimmy Carter.

Chris Wallace: Will you please take a swing at Donald Trump!  My boss is watching.

John Kasich:  No,

Chris Wallace: Puh-leeeease!

John Kasich:  No, and stop asking.  Now let me explain how NATO works because you meathead seem to have never heard of international treaties.


Finale:  And now, bring on the Ahn'woon!

Bret Baier: Will you support the Republican nominee?

Marco Rubio:   Yes.  And you know why?  Benghaaaaaazi!

Ted Cruz: Sure.  Because I am so fucking honest.

John Kasich:  Sure.  But I'm gonna win.

Chris Wallace: Donald Trump, will you support the nominee even if it's not you?

Donald Trump:  I'm gonna crush these children anyway, so meh, why not?


driftglass:  I strongly urge the GOP establishment and Fox News to continue openly colluding against Donald Trump and complaining that the people who vote for him are clueless idiots who can be conned into anything.

Trump took simultaneous, coordinated fire from three sides all night (and Mittens von Romney all morning) and didn't buckle.  This has to scare the bejeezus out of the Republican establishment.

Meanwhile, as the GOP commits suicide right before our eyes, it is instructive to watch how Republicans inside and outside of the establishment deal with their very own no-win scenario:

Saavik: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Kirk: Granted.
Saavik: I do not believe this was a fair test of my command abilities.
Kirk: And why not?
Saavik: Because... there was no way to win.
Kirk: A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you?
Saavik: No, sir, it has not.
Kirk: And how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?
Saavik: As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me.
Kirk: Well, now you have something new to think about. Carry on.

At the #GOPdebate: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!

Gleaned and cleaned from my debate Tweets:

The first question is for you Zombie Lee Atwater: Are you pleased with your bastard children?
Zombie Atwater:  Well pleased!


Ben Carson:  I yield the balance of my time to...
Blitzer:  We haven't  started yet.
Carson:  Yeah.  OK.

Carson:  I cannot believe we're on the abyss of destructioooon!  /Air guitar solo!/

Kasich: My father carried my mother on his back for 78 years.   Like a marsupial I guess.   Whatta country!

Rubio:  The future.  Man.  I don't know.

Cruz:  Imaginary Texas Democrats love me.

Trump:  We don't win.  Win.  Winning.  Winnebago.  Winnow.  Window.  Wintonkington.  Winabingabingo.

Trump:  We have a country, right.  People come.  They go.  They comes back.  Who knows?

Cruz:  You might have forgotten how awkward I am at weaseling out of question.  Well I'm here to remind you...

Trump:  Sheriff Wingnut totally endorsed me.  Totally.

Rubio:  Why won't you hire my mommy, Donald?

Trump: Don't talk to me about seasonal hiring.  I know seasonal hiring.

Rubio:  People should look stuff up on line.  Except for my record.  Don't look that shit up.  Do.  Not.

Trump:  I have hired thousands of people.  You people have hired nobody.  Also, shut up, Marco.  (And Marco shut up.)

Cruz just hung his chin waaaay out there.  Let's see is Trump takes his head off.

Trump:  Sure, I gave money to everybody.  I am a businessman, dumbass.  Everybody loves me.  Everybody hates you Ted.

Kascih:  George Bush was a great man.  And I support what is basically Barack Obama's immigration program. Sanders/Kasich 2016!

Carson:  I believe in Liberty.  And Justice.  And there are ways to do immigration that are...floaty...and shiny...

Blitzer:  The Mexican government said it won't pay for the wall.

Trump:  Yes they will, and it'll be 10 feet taller now.

Trump:  Also what's with the potty mouth on these Mexicans?  Also this wall will be cheap...unless these Washington losers try to build it.

Trump: Don't even talk to me about trade wars.  We're already in trade wars with China and Mexico and we're losing.

Trump just took Rubio's question away from him and beat his teeth in with it.

Rubio is getting younger, smaller and sweatier right before my eyes.

Cruz:  Sure, but what about ethanol subsidies, huh?   Isn't it about damn time we talked about god damn ethanol subsidies?

Why do Hispanics hate you so much, Ted?

Cruz:  Yes.  I was  definitely born.  Of humans.  Here, on this planet.

Cruz:  The Clinton/Obama economy stole my daddy's money underpants!

Rubio:   Immigrants hate socialism.  Except Canadian immigrants.  And British.  And Irish.  And French.  And Scandinavian.  And...

Kasich:  Aw shuck, folks.  Back in Mayberry I almost never carried a gun.  Remember Otis?  And Goober?  Weren't they fun? Golly.

Cruz:  Everyone on the SCOTUS to the Left of Scalia is a radical commie who wants make your kids gay.

Carson: Liberty.  And Justice.  For people.

Trump: I don't believe anything Telemundo says. Hispanics love me.  Democrats too.  Independents.  The Walking Dead.  Everybody

Trump entirely side-steps the long, horribly-worded question on polls and instead promises to be awesome.

Hugh Hewitt.  Oh boy.  When do I get to moderate a debate?

Hewitt:   Religious liberty keeps me up at night.

Perhaps you should drink more.
Maybe gin with a Valium bump.
A big bump.

Trump:  Ted Cruz in snuggle bunny buddies with John "Obamacare" Roberts.

Trump: Ted Cruz should apologize for talking bad about my sister.

Trump: I know you are but what am I, fucko.

Cruz:  Donald Trump will sell us all out.  Because he's not a Conservative like me.

Trump:  You hate abortion.  I hate abortion.  But Planned Parenthood helps millions of women with many other medical services.

Kasich:  I love, Jebus, damn it, and I don't care who knows it.

Carson:  Nobody should get extra rights until everybody has had their first serving and grandma gets her fruit salad.

Rubio:  Sick people should be forced to crawl from state to state to dicker for health care.  Because freedom.

Trump:  Insurance lobbyists own Congress.  I know these guys.  They buy punks like Marco like Raisinets.

Trump:  I would have competition.  That'll fix everything.

Carson:  Health care is not a right.  We'll give people some money and let them fight it out in the market Thunderdome-style.

Trump:   Talk about getting blasted/I hate these blurred lines

Cruz:  Donald is a Commie!  A Commie I tells ya!  As president, I will get rid of

Wow.   Ted Cruz comes out as objectively in favor of letting people die in the street.  So that's new.

Trump:  Waste.  Fraud.  And abuse.  Boom.  Done.  Next item.

Cruz is succeeding as coming across as everybody's ex's preening asshole divorce lawyer.

Trump:  32 arrests, no convictions, 10 billion dollars, hot wife.  Suck it losers.

Trump:  Also your radio show sucks,  Hugh.

We had a surplus under Clinton.  Dubya pissed it all away.  Where was all this passion for deficit reduction then?

Cruz:  The mainstream media hates me.

Dude, everybody hates you.

Cruz decided to go with his awesome electability and his poll numbers.  Bad move.  Trump took his head off with it.

Trump:  Go ahead, toddlers.  Keep on trying.  Swing for the fences.  Dream those big-boy dreams!

Rubio comebacks would be more effective is he didn't bouncy-smile afterward at like a toddler who just made pee-pee in the bowl all by himself.

Trump:  I'm pro-Israel but I have to be an honest broker if I have any hope of negotiating peace.

Cruz: I'm more pro-Israel than anybody in history.  The Maccabees were fucking mall cops compared to me.

Trump knows how to change up his pitch and cadence.  Rubio and Cruz do not.

Trump:  If were gonna be Hessians, we should get paid like Hessians.

Carson:  Hugh?  Where's the love, bra?  Where is the love?  Also we need to get rid of the IRS b/c I was audited.

Carson:  Israel is America's child.  And all my wingnut friends there think we don't give them enough pudding.

Cruz:   Peace sucks.  I hate it.  It makes my tiny boner go away.  Thanks Obama!

Rubio:  Who lost Japan?

Trump: You can talk. You can talk, talk, talk, bicker, bicker, bicker. You can talk all you wanna, but it's different than it was.

Wolf Blitzer has given up even trying.  Chaos reigns and chaos is Trump's natural environment.

Kasich: Obama should go full "Cask of Amontillado".  I have walled up many people as governor.  You will never find their bodies

At the #GOPdebate: The Throne of Lies

Gleaned and cleaned from my debate Tweets:

Kasich:  In case there was any doubt that even the "moderate" Republican is a hateful d-bag, I think that Obama should "put the country first for once".

Again with the throat-ramming.  What's with Young Marco's obsession with people throatfucking him?

Shorter Rubio:  Surround everyone and bomb everywhere with everything we have.

Rubio:  Remember that time I showed up, read a bill and (remember to choke up and look heroically into the camera)...voted?

Carson: (Fans out the alphabet)  Pick a word.  Any word.

Carson:  Some situations are very unique. All moments in time exist simultaneously in my head.

And then Trump lunged at Young Marco with a Twix bar. 

Trump:  What's with these Bush kids wanting to fight nine wars at once and losing them all?

Cruz:  Kha.  May.  Neeee.  Errybody drank!

Cruz:  I hear good things about the Hessians.  We should hire them to fight our wars for us.

Bush:  Please let me start a couple more wars.  Puhleeeeze.  Starting wars in my family is like touch football with the Kennedys and my brother is up like three to nothing.

Bush:  I am sick and tired of people reminding everybody what an abject failure my brother is.

Bush:  My mother is one of the strongest people I know.  Trump: She should run.

Yeah, it got that weird.  The Dozens weird. 

Rubio:  George Bush kept us safe.  Except for that one time.  And that other time.

This is a fucking Breitbart comment thread come to life.  And down in the mud, Trump is king.

Carson:  I have studied the middle east for 1000s of years since Joseph built the pyramids to store Jesus' Wheat Thins.

At this point the rule appears to be "Let no batshit wingnut conspiracy go unshouted".  So wow.  Also the moderators have clearly given up, put their feet up and sent out for popcorn.  

All this freak-show needs is Rand Paul streaking the stage in a Reagan mask screaming "Chemtrails Bitches!"

Cruz:  I thinks we can all agree that history began on January 20, 2009 and we shouldn't talk about anything before then.

Trump:  George Bush lied us into Iraq and then fucked it up.  

And a terrible shock runs through the audience.

Kim Strassel:  Marco Rubio, since all taxes are evil, why do you love evil taxes so much?

Rubio:  Family is awesome.  So there you go.

Kasich is in favor of not treating the poor or the mentally ill like mooching subhumans.  He's doomed.

Bush:  My mom knotted my tie wide for me so my head wouldn't look like a sad potato on a stick anymore.  Also Obamacare is pretty bad.

Bush:  I have a canned sure-fire "bazinga" line and, dang darn diddly. I'm gonna say it.

Bush: Sure, I want to raise taxes on hedge-fund managers.  They should be happy about it.  Shit, did I just say that out loud?

"America tax dollars go to subsidize abortions in Israel.  How do you feel about that?" asked no GOP Moderator ever.

Stamp those little boots, Young Marco!  Stamp 'em!

Ted Cruz brings up the Rubio/Schumer plan and Young Marco dives for the tiny bottle of H2O.  Chug it, Young Marco.  Chug it!

Cruz: Marco is a liar.  Rubio: No, you're the liar.  Cruz:  No you are.  Rubio: No, you are.  Cruz:  By the power of Limbaugh, I abjure you!  The power of crap compels you! The power of crap compels you!

Trump:  I invented immigration.   Also Jeb(!) is a wobbly little twat.

Kasich:  I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

Carson:  We have all these government "regulators" enforcing "rules".  Crazy, right?  I mean, you leave one little sponge in one little skull...

Cruz:  I love the poor.  I find them delicious.

Trump:  I would not be a dictator.  Instead,my political enemies would all just mysteriously disappear in a single night.

If they had real-time fact-checking, this fiasco would have ground to a halt and burst into flames an hour ago.

Wait, this is being held at "The Peace Center"?  Priceless!

Trump:  Ted Cruz is the lying Mayor of Liartown.

Trump:  Ted Cruz pimped John Roberts who gave us Obamacare.  Obamacare!  Thanks, Ted!

Rubio:  You want to fix poverty?  Block grant everything just like Jesus wanted.

Carson:  So many voices in my head tell me "Ben, jump up and down" but I tell those voices "No!  I will not jump up and down"

Carson:  College is impossible because Mr. Average owes the Romulans one zillion quatloos.

Kasich:  All people are the same.  Blood,  Bone.  Hair.  Skin.  A pee-pee or a hoo-ha, y'know, depending.

Trump:  I have a hot wife.   Jeb(!) setting fire to piles of special interest money will not make America great again.

Trump:  I am the only New Yorker in history who doesn't swear and you can take that to the fucking bank.  

Trump: Florida was a coke-fueled playa's paradise until Jeb(!) turned it onto reeking pest-hole.  Thanks, Dubya's brother!

I gotta  say that Jeb(!) has the indignant-church-lady-fighting-painful-hemorrhoids look down pat.

Once again everyone concurs that Imaginary Reagan was our greatest President.

Kasich:  Shine on you crazy fucking diamonds!

Carson: I like you are we the people.  Stalin said...  (No kidding)

Bush:  I will sit at a big desk,  The same desk my brother sat at.  When he fucked this country up.  Fucked it waaaay the fuck up.

Rubio:  We will begin again with one man and one woman just like the Planet of the Apes.  Also, Go Israel!

Cruz:  End Times are a'comin' bitches!  Get right with wingnut Jebus and vote for me or roast in perdition forevah! 

Trump won tonight by ripping up the vital but never-discussed Republican 12th Commandment: Except for the holy works of Imaginary Reagan, thou shalt never mention anything that happened before 2009

Or, as the GOP's most ridiculous invertebrate put it:

Our well-qualified & experienced candidates continue to put forth serious solutions to restore prosperity & strength to America #GOPDebate

— Reince Priebus (@Reince) February 14, 2016

That's right, Reince!  Play these doomed fucks out with a happy tune in 3...2...1...