Thursday, February 25, 2016

At the #GOPdebate: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!

Gleaned and cleaned from my debate Tweets:
The first question is for you Zombie Lee Atwater: Are you pleased with your bastard children?
Zombie Atwater:  Well pleased!

Ben Carson:  I yield the balance of my time to...
Blitzer:  We haven't  started yet.
Carson:  Yeah.  OK.

Carson:  I cannot believe we're on the abyss of destructioooon!  /Air guitar solo!/

Kasich: My father carried my mother on his back for 78 years.   Like a marsupial I guess.   Whatta country!

Rubio:  The future.  Man.  I don't know.

Cruz:  Imaginary Texas Democrats love me.

Trump:  We don't win.  Win.  Winning.  Winnebago.  Winnow.  Window.  Wintonkington.  Winabingabingo.

Trump:  We have a country, right.  People come.  They go.  They comes back.  Who knows?

Cruz:  You might have forgotten how awkward I am at weaseling out of question.  Well I'm here to remind you...

Trump:  Sheriff Wingnut totally endorsed me.  Totally.

Rubio:  Why won't you hire my mommy, Donald?

Trump: Don't talk to me about seasonal hiring.  I know seasonal hiring.

Rubio:  People should look stuff up on line.  Except for my record.  Don't look that shit up.  Do.  Not.

Trump:  I have hired thousands of people.  You people have hired nobody.  Also, shut up, Marco.  (And Marco shut up.)

Cruz just hung his chin waaaay out there.  Let's see is Trump takes his head off.

Trump:  Sure, I gave money to everybody.  I am a businessman, dumbass.  Everybody loves me.  Everybody hates you Ted.

Kascih:  George Bush was a great man.  And I support what is basically Barack Obama's immigration program. Sanders/Kasich 2016!

Carson:  I believe in Liberty.  And Justice.  And there are ways to do immigration that are...floaty...and shiny...

Blitzer:  The Mexican government said it won't pay for the wall.

Trump:  Yes they will, and it'll be 10 feet taller now.

Trump:  Also what's with the potty mouth on these Mexicans?  Also this wall will be cheap...unless these Washington losers try to build it.

Trump: Don't even talk to me about trade wars.  We're already in trade wars with China and Mexico and we're losing.

Trump just took Rubio's question away from him and beat his teeth in with it.

Rubio is getting younger, smaller and sweatier right before my eyes.

Cruz:  Sure, but what about ethanol subsidies, huh?   Isn't it about damn time we talked about god damn ethanol subsidies?

Why do Hispanics hate you so much, Ted?

Cruz:  Yes.  I was  definitely born.  Of humans.  Here, on this planet.

Cruz:  The Clinton/Obama economy stole my daddy's money underpants!

Rubio:   Immigrants hate socialism.  Except Canadian immigrants.  And British.  And Irish.  And French.  And Scandinavian.  And...

Kasich:  Aw shuck, folks.  Back in Mayberry I almost never carried a gun.  Remember Otis?  And Goober?  Weren't they fun? Golly.

Cruz:  Everyone on the SCOTUS to the Left of Scalia is a radical commie who wants make your kids gay.

Carson: Liberty.  And Justice.  For people.

Trump: I don't believe anything Telemundo says. Hispanics love me.  Democrats too.  Independents.  The Walking Dead.  Everybody

Trump entirely side-steps the long, horribly-worded question on polls and instead promises to be awesome.

Hugh Hewitt.  Oh boy.  When do I get to moderate a debate?

Hewitt:   Religious liberty keeps me up at night.

Perhaps you should drink more.
Maybe gin with a Valium bump.
A big bump.

Trump:  Ted Cruz in snuggle bunny buddies with John "Obamacare" Roberts.

Trump: Ted Cruz should apologize for talking bad about my sister.

Trump: I know you are but what am I, fucko.

Cruz:  Donald Trump will sell us all out.  Because he's not a Conservative like me.

Trump:  You hate abortion.  I hate abortion.  But Planned Parenthood helps millions of women with many other medical services.

Kasich:  I love, Jebus, damn it, and I don't care who knows it.

Carson:  Nobody should get extra rights until everybody has had their first serving and grandma gets her fruit salad.

Rubio:  Sick people should be forced to crawl from state to state to dicker for health care.  Because freedom.

Trump:  Insurance lobbyists own Congress.  I know these guys.  They buy punks like Marco like Raisinets.

Trump:  I would have competition.  That'll fix everything.

Carson:  Health care is not a right.  We'll give people some money and let them fight it out in the market Thunderdome-style.

Trump:   Talk about getting blasted/I hate these blurred lines

Cruz:  Donald is a Commie!  A Commie I tells ya!  As president, I will get rid of

Wow.   Ted Cruz comes out as objectively in favor of letting people die in the street.  So that's new.

Trump:  Waste.  Fraud.  And abuse.  Boom.  Done.  Next item.

Cruz is succeeding as coming across as everybody's ex's preening asshole divorce lawyer.

Trump:  32 arrests, no convictions, 10 billion dollars, hot wife.  Suck it losers.

Trump:  Also your radio show sucks,  Hugh.

We had a surplus under Clinton.  Dubya pissed it all away.  Where was all this passion for deficit reduction then?

Cruz:  The mainstream media hates me.

Dude, everybody hates you.

Cruz decided to go with his awesome electability and his poll numbers.  Bad move.  Trump took his head off with it.

Trump:  Go ahead, toddlers.  Keep on trying.  Swing for the fences.  Dream those big-boy dreams!

Rubio comebacks would be more effective is he didn't bouncy-smile afterward at like a toddler who just made pee-pee in the bowl all by himself.

Trump:  I'm pro-Israel but I have to be an honest broker if I have any hope of negotiating peace.

Cruz: I'm more pro-Israel than anybody in history.  The Maccabees were fucking mall cops compared to me.

Trump knows how to change up his pitch and cadence.  Rubio and Cruz do not.

Trump:  If were gonna be Hessians, we should get paid like Hessians.

Carson:  Hugh?  Where's the love, bra?  Where is the love?  Also we need to get rid of the IRS b/c I was audited.

Carson:  Israel is America's child.  And all my wingnut friends there think we don't give them enough pudding.

Cruz:   Peace sucks.  I hate it.  It makes my tiny boner go away.  Thanks Obama!

Rubio:  Who lost Japan?

Trump: You can talk. You can talk, talk, talk, bicker, bicker, bicker. You can talk all you wanna, but it's different than it was.

Wolf Blitzer has given up even trying.  Chaos reigns and chaos is Trump's natural environment.

Kasich: Obama should go full "Cask of Amontillado".  I have walled up many people as governor.  You will never find their bodies


bowtiejack said...

Just excellent. Thank you. More real than the real thing.

RossK said...


Was there a Trumpian pivot from the piked position in there that is signaling the beginning of his pretzilian pirouette towards that big socialist-capitalist-fascist-nationalist luxury suite in the sky that all of your fine citizens that don't really pay attention won't be able to stop gazing up at?


Robt said...

as I read your debate text and listening to Tweetie on his take.

I find it just so hard to decide. With this prominent debate classic entered into history. I find myself left with a

"Riddle printed on a Puzzle that is boxed inside an enigma, then encrypted in my Iphone and only if Apple would open it to be revealed".

*Trump is so strong and forceful with large pejorative vocabulary. He ignites the urge within to ride the greatest unicorn ever. The Unicorn that flies, that is.

*But then Cruz has that Biblical Serpent tempting thing begging my self loathing to bite his rotten apple. He has that TExas elitism thing going for him. Urges me to secede from something.

*As for Kasich. Who doesn't want to live the dream of their parents with a monkey on your back. To return to the simpler days when Gingrich shut down Government to prove his capability to out like a teething baby who dropped its pacifier and wants it back. Projecting the good ole days when schools would have you duck under your desk to be prepared for a nuclear blast.

*Marco Rubio. He so compels me with his vision of going back to the early conservative time when the only liberal on TV in 1963 was a guy named Maynard G. Krebs. Who was on the Dobie Gillis show. To return to that time and take maynard out. Replace him with Ricky Ricardo (a great Cuban), would change the course of American history to a more Cuban conservative one.
This seems like such a wonderful plan. But it iiiis so complicated.

*This leaves Ben Carson. I believe Dr Carson would cure insomnia across America. No matter if he would keep me safe or not. I would sleep very well as long as he was addressing the nation.

These are tough choices.
could they bring Rand Paul back for another looksy?

I just can't decide............

Unknown said...

Oh, Driftglass, priceless. Many thanks.

Ranger211 said...

Your streak of making the preposterous bearable continues, DG. Many giggles. Many thanks.

Mister Roboto said...

Rubio comebacks would be more effective is he didn't bouncy-smile afterward at like a toddler who just made pee-pee in the bowl all by himself.


He is just so out of his league, isn't he? This is the one Republican I can easily imagine Hillary besting come November.

John Taylor said...

Driftglass. Thanks for watching the poop throwing so I didn't have to.

Mike Lumish said...

I am now dead, in that I just died laughing. That was wonderful.

Blue Dog Don said...

"Cruz: Imaginary Texas Democrats love me."

Remember how Lyndon Johnson got the cemetery voters. Raphael may be on to something.