Doughy Pantload Makes His Bid for a Stateroom on the S.S. It Wasn't Our Fault

If you are unfamiliar with his work, Jonah "Doughy Pantload" is a cruel sloven who is the Editor-at-Large of NRO, an LA Times Columnist, a USA Today columnist, the author of Liberal Fascism, and a visiting fellow American Enterprise Institute who makes his very fine living selling his signature brand of stone soup concocted out of mossy cultural cliches, beer jokes and reflexive Liberal hatred.

If you are on the political Left, you may know him as the fake Pulitzer Prize nominee who told hurricane Katrina victims that their best hope was to "Hoard weapons, grow gills and learn to communicate with serpents".

Or as one of America's most tireless Iraq War Pimps:

Or as the goon who called the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau “a hate crime against the Constitution”.

Or the author of "Liberal Fascism"

Or one of the many, many Conservatives who have blocked your humble scrivener for talking back.

If, on the other hand, you are on the Elite Political Right like, say, David Brooks, you are probably so deep in your ideological cups that through your bleary eyes Pantload  still looks like the vanguard of a Glorious Conservative Renaissance that is somehow always juuuust around the corner.  (From "David Brooks: ...And a Doughy Pantload Shall Lead Them")

...So imagine my complete lack of surprise when I opened The New York Times this morning and...

A Renaissance on the Right 

By David Brooks

What’s bad for the gavel is good for the pen. The Republican Party is in the midst of a cataclysmic transformation. But all the political turmoil is creating a burst of intellectual creativity on the right...

And who shall lead this  Imaginary Conservative Renaissance Which Is Definitely Just Around The Corner?

A bunch of toddlers you have never heard of, and...(emphasis added)

...Other conservatives are rising to defend that order, including National Review’s Jonah Goldberg, who later this month comes out with his epic and debate-shifting book, “Suicide of the West.”

Yes, the field marshall of Mr. Brooks' New Conservative revolution is the same shitbag who wrote "Liberal Fascism"...

++++

Yes, those quotes were from David Fucking Brooks almost exactly two years ago today.

And how exactly was Pantload supposed to supercharge the Right and summon it back to glory?

By marching into battle under David Brooks' "Both Sides Do It" banner!

Goldberg is right to fight tribalism on the left and the right...

But now all of that pissing and posturing that has been set aside in a mad scramble for a seat on the mighty lifeboat the Elite Right has built for itself -- the S.S. It Wasn't Our Fault.

And lumbering his way straight up the gangplank we find Doughy Pantload himself, pretending that somehow his righteous Conservative Movement was doing just fine until five minutes ago when it turned suddenly and inexplicably into a racist deathcult shitpile.

So. Trump said "When somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total."

This is antithetical to everything conservatives have argued for 50 years. 1/

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) April 13, 2020

And if any conservative -- including Mike Pence who's dancing as I type this -- says POTUS has anything like those powers they are violating vast swaths of what conservatives claimed to believe before Trump became president. 4/

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) April 13, 2020

Burn the lifeboats, kids.

Burn 'em all.

Jonah Goldberg is a Terrible Parent

Jonah Goldberg has locked himself in his tree fort where he is currently having a planet-sized sad over the fact that everybody has let him down so terribly.

Everybody.

Donald Trump, who is a tricksie liar who is using his powers of trickery to trick people:

When Trump says “I’m a conservative,” picture a car salesman insisting, “I’m a Tito Puente fan too.” It’s just something he’s saying to close the deal. As for his adamantine principles, there is only one: The limelight belongs to him alone.

Rick Perry, who should burn in Hell:

Taking his words literally, Perry wants to make a deal with the devil. In this war on cancer, Perry wants to help cancer win “any way I can.”

Almost everyone else in the Republican establishment who are now bending a knee to their new overlord --

Perry is far from alone in his hypocrisy. With the exception of Senator Ben Sasse, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and a handful of others (including, I hope, Senators Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio), the Republican aristocracy is for the most part bending its knee to the new king, proving that much of the “establishment” is exactly as craven as Trump always claimed.

-- which, for the record, certain lowlife Liberal riff-raff --

@maddow the #NeverTrump crowd will bend a knee & fascists love their morally flexible grovelers & collaboratorshttps://t.co/xb40USDwjt

— driftglass (@Mr_Electrico) March 22, 2016

-- have been predicting --

@Lawrence If Trump tops 1237, expect GOP establishment to bend a knee. They're grovelers and collaborators by nature.

— driftglass (@Mr_Electrico) March 24, 2016

-- using exactly those words --

Watching the Beltway grovelers who dismissed Trump getting in line to bend a knee to their new overlord is gonna be epic.@Lawrence

— driftglass (@Mr_Electrico) April 28, 2016

-- for awhile now.

Jonah is also mad at Sarah Palin --

Those who do not yield can hear the executioner’s axe sharpening against the wheel. Trump has dispatched one of his top minions, Sarah Palin, to punish Ryan for his effrontery in second-guessing Trump’s commitment to conservatism. She said she’ll work to defeat Ryan’s reelection bid this fall. “His political career is over,” Palin said on CNN.

-- for whom he used to sport a very public boner:

Jonah even makes room in his hissy fit to side-eye supporters of Senator Sanders because, hey, why not?  It gives him an excuse to sneer out the word "socialist" which seems to make him very happy:

He’s more interested in winning the loyalty of Bernie Sanders’s socialist brigades than he is in persuading conservatives he’s one of them.

Yes, it seems that everybody in the explored universe has let poor Doughy Pantsload down.

Except not quite everybody.  Because if you read Mr. Goldberg's droppings from top to bottom (but really, why would you?) and look for references to actual voters you will find that, while he tries to tie Trump to imaginary future Evil Socialists twice --

He has admitted that he doesn’t want or need Reaganite conservatives; he’d rather rely on the rank-and-file supporters of a socialist instead.

-- at no point does he ever dare to mention the millions and millions of actual, non-imaginary, here-and-now Republican voters who pack Trump rallies in every city, proudly wear his gang colors and slogans and have happily bulldozed right over the natterings of nobodies like Jonah Goldberg to hand Trump the nomination of their party on a platter.

What about those people, Jonah?  Where did all of those people come from?

Well, I'll tell you where the came from.

They are Murrican Conservatives, born and bred.  During the Clinton Administration assholes like you nurtured their bigotry and rage with seditious conspiracies and unhinged contempt for their own government.  During the Bush Administration, con men like you fed them a steady diet of wingnut Pixie Stix and Jolt cola and encouraged them to run completely wild and believe any batshit thing that came oozing out of Hate Radio or Fox News.  And after it all came crashing down, you fed them the hard stuff -- Conservative meth and racist madness -- and told them a dirty commie from Kenya who had stolen their country was to blame for all of their sorrows.

You raise a pack of ravening beasts and mindless chumps, Jonah, who are on fire with an uncontrollable rage that you helped to stoke and have been trained by you to believe any-fucking-thing any slick con man tells them as long as it comports with the voices in their head.

Voices that you helped put there.

You have carved out a fine life for yourself, Jonah, living by the maxim that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the Republican voter.  And now the devil babies you helped to breed are leaving  to follow a cult leader which you helped to make possible,  So why are you blaming Rick Perry or Sarah Palin or even Donald Trump for the fact that they are proudly pig-ignorant monsters?  

These are your bastards, Jonah, doing exactly what you taught them to do.  Too late to leave them on the steps of the Sanders campaign and run away now.  

The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled

Was getting Jonah Goldberg a syndicated column.

From which -- week after week -- Doughy Pantload goes about the tedious business of writing one terrible column after another trying to convince the world that the entire sounder of Gadarene Conservative swine simply do not exist.

This week, Conservatives aren't loathsome monsters who have been fucking the country sideways for decades.

Because George Soros!

Also, we are in absolutely no danger of encroaching Conservative plutocrat tyranny because at the moment we're not living under Conservative plutocrat tyranny.  By which logic, in October, 1937 Spain was in absolutely no danger of falling to the fascists because October, 1937 Spain had not yet fallen to the fascists.

And speaking of logic, while it is possible that Mr. Pantload may skipped over one or two of your more obscure stupids at the Logical Fallacy Buffet, he certainly larded up his tray with everything other idiotic argument his idiotic premise --

Newspapers Barack Obama Michael Bloomberg David Koch Sheldon Adelson
Truth is, there's no one behind the wheel

-- would bear.

Here is a sampler:

You see, no one is running the country.
...

In recent years, I've had the good fortune to get to know some famous .001-percenters. Guess what? Not only do they not run the country, but they're often desperate to find out who does.
...

For instance, listening to the Democratic Party or, say, the editors of the New York Times (tomayto-tomahto, I know), you'd think the Koch brothers owned America. Of course, if they did, they wouldn't be spending so much money on elections, would they? Also, if the Kochs were half as evil and powerful as some claim, nobody would be criticizing them.
...

The more extreme expressions of this cognitive reflex take many forms, whether anti-Semitic (Who benefits? The Jews!) or Marxist (Who benefits? The ruling classes!) or comedic ("Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!").

Today, on the left, such thinking has become institutionalized. When the champions of social justice can't find an actual culprit, the villain becomes systemic racism or sexism or white privilege.

But for me the funniest part of Mr. Pantload's waste of pixels was this:

You can write to him in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at goldbergcolumn@gmail.com, or via Twitter @JonahNRO.

You see, I have followed Señor Pantload.

I even "wrote to him in care of" his Twitter handle back when he and Byron York (Chief political correspondent, Washington Examiner, Fox News contributor, author of The Vast Left Wing Conspiracy) were sharing a hearty tweet-laff over how awful Ron Reagan Jr. was for not worshiping his father in a manner sufficiently idolatrous to meet the exacting standards of giddy, Reagan-fetishizing neocon chickenhawks.

It did not end well.

Because as one of God's special little creatures, Jonah is a person of very tender sensibilities

How to Get Doughy Pantload

to Twitter-block you.

Step 1: Follow Jonah Goldberg for a bit just to keep tabs on what one of the founding members of the Dick Cheney Fan Club is up to (nothing good) and to see if his writing has improved any (it hasn't: Doughy still makes a fine living selling his signature brand of stone soup out of mossy cultural cliches, beer jokes and reflexive Liberal hatred.)


Step 2: Note the above tweet as Jonah (Editor-at-Large of NRO, LA Times Columnist, USAT contributor, USA Today columnist, author of Liberal Fascism, visiting fellow American Enterprise Institute.) and Byron York (Chief political correspondent, Washington Examiner, Fox News contributor, author of The Vast Left Wing Conspiracy) share a hearty tweet-laff over how awful Ron Reagan Jr. is for not worshiping his father in a manner sufficiently idolatrous to meet the exacting standards of giddy, Reagan-fetishizing neocon chickenhawks.


Step 3: Send him a note explaining how I could "certainly understand why an ambulatory moral dumpster fire such as yourself would think that."


Step 4: Blocked.


Step 5:

As he bravely runs away, away.

Bravely runs away.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Panstload.

Because after all these years and all of their humiliating failures, that is still

Tucker (Carlson): ....you're apt to see hyperventilation. People hate Cheney on this visceral level. What is so hate-able about Dick Cheney?

Goldberg: I have no, I really...I truly have no idea. I like Dick Cheney. Love to have a beer with the guy---I think one of the things that bothers them is that he doesn't care! The opposite of love isn't hate---it's indifference....

just how

Well, at least Jonah Goldberg of National Review has considered volunteering for military service:

As for why my sorry a** isn't in the kill zone, lots of people think this is a searingly pertinent question. No answer I could give -- I'm 35 years old, my family couldn't afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter, my a** is, er, sorry, are a few -- ever seem to suffice.

But his sorry a** is still good enough for National Review Online?

the Yellow Elephants roll.


(Don't forget to join the fundraising fun already in progress here.)