Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Jonah Goldberg is a Terrible Parent

Jonah Goldberg has locked himself in his tree fort where he is currently having a planet-sized sad over the fact that everybody has let him down so terribly.


Donald Trump, who is a tricksie liar who is using his powers of trickery to trick people:
When Trump says “I’m a conservative,” picture a car salesman insisting, “I’m a Tito Puente fan too.” It’s just something he’s saying to close the deal. As for his adamantine principles, there is only one: The limelight belongs to him alone.
Rick Perry, who should burn in Hell:
Taking his words literally, Perry wants to make a deal with the devil. In this war on cancer, Perry wants to help cancer win “any way I can.”
Almost everyone else in the Republican establishment who are now bending a knee to their new overlord --
Perry is far from alone in his hypocrisy. With the exception of Senator Ben Sasse, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and a handful of others (including, I hope, Senators Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio), the Republican aristocracy is for the most part bending its knee to the new king, proving that much of the “establishment” is exactly as craven as Trump always claimed.
-- which, for the record, certain lowlife Liberal riff-raff --
-- have been predicting --
-- using exactly those words --
-- for awhile now.

Jonah is also mad at Sarah Palin --
Those who do not yield can hear the executioner’s axe sharpening against the wheel. Trump has dispatched one of his top minions, Sarah Palin, to punish Ryan for his effrontery in second-guessing Trump’s commitment to conservatism. She said she’ll work to defeat Ryan’s reelection bid this fall. “His political career is over,” Palin said on CNN.

Jonah even makes room in his hissy fit to side-eye supporters of Senator Sanders because, hey, why not?  It gives him an excuse to sneer out the word "socialist" which seems to make him very happy:
He’s more interested in winning the loyalty of Bernie Sanders’s socialist brigades than he is in persuading conservatives he’s one of them.
Yes, it seems that everybody in the explored universe has let poor Doughy Pantsload down.

Except not quite everybody.  Because if you read Mr. Goldberg's droppings from top to bottom (but really, why would you?) and look for references to actual voters you will find that, while he tries to tie Trump to imaginary future Evil Socialists twice --
He has admitted that he doesn’t want or need Reaganite conservatives; he’d rather rely on the rank-and-file supporters of a socialist instead.
-- at no point does he ever dare to mention the millions and millions of actual, non-imaginary, here-and-now Republican voters who pack Trump rallies in every city, proudly wear his gang colors and slogans and have happily bulldozed right over the natterings of nobodies like Jonah Goldberg to hand Trump the nomination of their party on a platter.

What about those people, Jonah?  Where did all of those people come from?

Well, I'll tell you where the came from.

They are Murrican Conservatives, born and bred.  During the Clinton Administration assholes like you nurtured their bigotry and rage with seditious conspiracies and unhinged contempt for their own government.  During the Bush Administration, con men like you fed them a steady diet of wingnut Pixie Stix and Jolt cola and encouraged them to run completely wild and believe any batshit thing that came oozing out of Hate Radio or Fox News.  And after it all came crashing down, you fed them the hard stuff -- Conservative meth and racist madness -- and told them a dirty commie from Kenya who had stolen their country was to blame for all of their sorrows.

You raise a pack of ravening beasts and mindless chumps, Jonah, who are on fire with an uncontrollable rage that you helped to stoke and have been trained by you to believe any-fucking-thing any slick con man tells them as long as it comports with the voices in their head.

Voices that you helped put there.

You have carved out a fine life for yourself, Jonah, living by the maxim that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the Republican voter.  And now the devil babies you helped to breed are leaving  to follow a cult leader which you helped to make possible,  So why are you blaming Rick Perry or Sarah Palin or even Donald Trump for the fact that they are proudly pig-ignorant monsters?  

These are your bastards, Jonah, doing exactly what you taught them to do.  Too late to leave them on the steps of the Sanders campaign and run away now.  


OBS said...

Those last five paragraphs are brilliant. Just pull Jonah's name out of there, and the whole thing applies perfectly to every fucking Wingnut Welfare King and Queen that's been living large since the '90s.

Good stuff.

JdubbQ8 said...

That was a brilliant piece of writing sir, well done.

RUKidding said...

Ah, Doughy Pantsload, evil spawn of even more evil Lucianne, who sought to bring down the Clintons via Monica. Well all Lucianne accomplished was forevermore messing up Monica's life (no snark, and yes, I do feel badly for Monica, who's pretty much had to put up with a lot of crap for an indiscretion that many indulge in). So thanks evil twin spawns. But for nasty mummy, Doughy wouldn't have a pot to piss in, but bc of mummy, Doughy has suckled deeply at the rightwingnut welfare teat for quite some time now.

So, like Bobo Fuck Cakes, Doughy is shocked! Shocked! to discover the White Supremacist shitheads stomping and gang-signing around their new Lord of the Mammon Dance, Herr Trump, who apparently may kick Doughy in the 'nads or something (couldn't happen to a more deserving grifter, frankly).

Doughy, like his rightwingnut welfare partners in true crime, created these monsters by greedily tossing the base loads of red meat, blowing into every dog whistle available, along with punching every hippie numerous times per day. And now Doughy whines and cries that it's not fair! Call the waaaaaahmbulance, Doughy, cuz you've got no one to blame for this but yourself and your nasty shitty horrible mummy. You two made this bed; lay in it and STFU.

dinthebeast said...

I don't know about the "pig-ignorant" part, I raised pigs when I was a kid, and found them to be fairly smart creatures. Really, anything wandering around the barnyard is more competent at life than Doughy Boy, even the chickens, which are dumb beyond belief.

-Doug in Oakland

Robt said...

Rewarded for his mothers influence with Monikka by the Heritage Foundation. Rewarded with a right wing writer grooming scholarship to Heritage.
I recall one of Goldy's first pieces. His Heritage Foundation's coming out masterpiece.

His article was the end all evidence of how President Lincoln was so wrong with his Northern aggression of the South.
Jonah proved, (Dog whistled), that, "the only conclusion any one could come to is that the North should have purchased the slaves from the south and set them free completely nullifying a Civil War".

The tree rat abandons his home when the chain saws motors rev.
Not that purchasing Elephant tusk Ivory from the black market will eliminate the black market for ivory tusks. The contraire of purchasing all the illegal drugs to win the war on illegal drugs mentality fairs well in Conservatisms waste water purifying system.
This was Goldberg's great literate Heritage graduation coming out piece.

To hear of his success and living high, in the tree house on the grounds of the Heritage Foundation provides evidence that an old virus the GOP told us was eradicated by the Tea Potters has now resurfaced in epidemic levels within the GOP.

The dreaded Conservative Socialist Virus. The plague symptoms are pain to the anal region that causes mental anger spontaneous rages and leave the infected incoherently driven to his or her demise unknowingly.

bowtiejack said...

"These are your bastards, Jonah, doing exactly what you taught them to do."
The whole thing summed up in 13 words..

Of course, since conservatism can never fail, it never has to take any responsibility either.

Green Eagle said...

"Do not call up that which you cannot put down"
- H. P. Lovecraft

trgahan said...

If Trump won this election he indeed would be the ultimate "disruption" to the east coast, beltway courtier class.

At the very least, corporate media and billionaire oligarchs would no longer need to spend billions on "inside voice" conservative hacks saying "Both Sides!" and intellectualizing the bigotry, greed, selfishness, racism, and just outright nastiness that is conservatism.

The Gingrich stated and the tea party scam finished this process by negating the need for "inside voice" Republicans at every other electoral level and Scalia, may he burn in hell, long ago negated the need in the courts. A Trump victory would remove the need at the national level.

I don't think the Beltway has faced a threat of an utter house cleaning of this scale since Andrew Jackson.

Unknown said...

At least Jonah has hired better ghost writers to produce his crap.

Neo Tuxedo said...

"Who taught you to believe this stuff?"
"From you, Jonah! I learned it from watching you!"

"I say to you againe, doe not call up Any that you cannot put downe; by the Which I mean, Any that can in Turne call up somewhat against you, whereby your Powerfullest Devices may not be of use. Ask of the Lesser, lest the Greater shall not wish to answer, and shall commande more than you."
-- Jedidiah Orne to Joseph Curwen

Dark Avenger said...

"McCain still lives, too, I suppose, again in that chasm of media complacency which has shielded him since the Vietnam War ended. His accursed campaign is sunken once more, else Bill Kristol wouldn't call for a restart; but his ministers on earth still bellow and prance and slay around idol-capped monoliths in red states. He must have been trapped by the sinking polls within his black abyss, or else the press would by now be screaming with fright and frenzy. Who knows the end? What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise. Loathsomeness waits and dreams in his visions of victory, and decay spreads over the tottering cities of men. A time will come - but I must not and cannot think! Let me pray that, if I do not survive this manuscript, my executors may put caution before audacity and see that it meets no other eye."