The dark carnival that is the Trump Campaign continues to limp onto the ash heap of history by butt-scooting it's crackpot theories and racist demagoguery all over the hallowed ground of Gettysburg. I'm not sure which Trump brain-wizard decided that the sight of a doomed racist cause making a suicidal charge into the teeth of overwhelming force was the very best metaphor on which to begin the final chapter of the campaign of their unhinged orange fire demon, but I hope they got their money up front.
I was such a demented ramble of Trump's angry, random notions, disjointed conspiracies, tangentially related grievances and physically, financially, temporally and constitutionally impossible claptrap tarted up to sound like "policy" that I could not track it all, but here are my notes, such as they are...
- Trump is doubling down on every batshit lie he has been running all along. Go, lemmings, go!
- Dead Man Ranting
- Remember how Lincoln kept barking "Believe me! Believe me!" after the dozens and dozens of outrageous lies he told on this hallowed ground?
- I will direct my Secretary of Commerce & Legitimate Businessman, Charles Ponzi, to do many amazing things. Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Imaginary Science, Trofim Lysenko, to pull "Clean Coal" out of his ass. Burn it all now, people! Without the Commie EPA who shall stop us! Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Homeland Security, Crazy Joe Arpaio, to arrest my political enemies. Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Deregulationism, Jack T. Ripper, to hit the Undo Obama button eight million times on my first day in office. Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Trump Math, my son Uday, to make 2+2 equal whatever I damn well say it is. Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Propaganda, Steve Bannon, to bring the fucking hammer down on the free press. Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Doubletalk, Hugh Hewitt, to follow me around with a pooper-scooper and a giant shit-eating grin. Bigly! Believe me!
- I will direct my Secretary of Illegals to protect us from the cybers by only letting in people who love us. With talents this is possible ("Talents"? like "Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred three score and six talents of gold") Believe me!
- Apparently Trump's end-game strategy is to flummox SNL writers by overloading them with material.
- Let the media race to find the last "Undecided" voter in America begin!
As grotesque and horrifying as all of this is, don't let any of your Conservative friends or colleagues get away with feigning shock or surprise or that Trump is some freakish Black Swan event.
Here is what I wrote just 36 hours after Donald J. Trump glided down the escalator and began his takeover of the Republican Party:
The Premium Leads
In case you missed it, Squint and the Meat Puppet handed the MSNBC camera over to Donald Trump this morning for a relaxing, 30-minute handjob. While Trump rambled lazily from one pinnacle of bullshit and narcissism to the next, Morning Joe crack house regulars Mark Halperin (Glenn Beck's favorite mainstream media enabler) and the pickled remains of Mike Barnacle looked on, smirking and giggling. All that it lacked to complete the creepy, peep-show effect were trench-coats and bad lighting.But of course, the story of the Trump candidacy has very little to do with Donald Trump.As I wrote a few years ago,the brain-caste of the GOP spent a 40 years and billions of dollars carefully breeding an army of reliably angry, paranoid, racists chumps. And they have been so successful at completely re-engineering the Right's ideological digestive system that they can no longer process any information which does not come to them in the form of Fox-approved Benghaaaazi goo.In other words, in order to win elections and rake in vast fortunes, the Conservative brain caste has painstakingly created the perfect feeding-ground for con men and demagogues like Trump, the louder and more bombastic the better. And from David Brooks and the Wall Street Journal and "Meet the Press", to Ann Coulter and the Washington Free Beacon and the Breitbart Collective, in one way or another, virtually everyone in the media makes bank by flattering Conservative meatheads and pandering to their delusions.They are the GOP's premium leads, but however abundant and renewable a resource the Conservative meatheads may be, come Presidential election time, there is never enough room at the trough for every rapacious Republican hog. Thisis why every few years we have these Little Red State Fundy moments; that delicate time when the knives come out and the various species of Conservative con men start cutting each other's balls over who gets to pluck the wingnut pigeons......while trying desperately not to call attention to the fact that their entire political system depends on pandering to the army of reliably angry, paranoid, racists chumps which the GOP has worked so long and hard to cultivate.Fortunately for the Right, now that the "respectable" media has as much to lose by cracking out of turn as Hate Radio and Fox News, we can all look forward to another campaign season of the American mainstream media looking stoically the other way.
Behold, a Tip Jar!