The way my memory is wired -- completely useless when it comes to remembering the name of anyone I just met and letter-perfect at recalling a telling detail of something I read long ago -- makes reading my archives kind of strange. In compressed retrospect, it feels like one, long paragraph that I'm still fiddling with, which is why it's odd to think I came practically right out of the gate with things like this a decade ago.
Anyway, here's the jar
and here is "Little Red State Fundy" from April, 2005:
Little Red State Fundy sez...
Whatever will we tell the children?
One day we will have to explain to the children what happened when Thurston Howell III lost his right mind and decided that for the sake of some tax cuts to make him incrementally more comfortable, his very bestest buddies in the whole, wide world were the Ultra Right Wing Gorgons down in Jesusland.
May I suggest the following?
The Story of Little Red State Fundy
Little Red State Fundy found a grain of hate.
"Who will help me plant the hate?" she asked.
"Not I," said the Moderate Republicans.
"Not I," said the Undecideds.
"Not I," said the Libertarians.
"Then I will," said Little Red State Fundy.
So she buried the hate in the bloody ground of the Old Confederacy. After a while it grew up paranoid and ignorant and violent.
"The hate is ripe now," said Little Red State Fundy. "Who will do the mass mailings and preach bigotry from the Pulpit?"
"Not I," said the Moderate Republicans.
"Not I," said the Undecideds.
"Not I," said the Libertarians.
"Then I will," said Little Red State Fundy.
So she licked envelopes until her bill was cracked and dry and stood up into the House of God and crowed to her flocks in their millions that God Loved Them for hating and killing creatures who were not like them.
Then she asked, "Who will help me focus this hatred politically?"
"Not I," said the Moderate Republicans.
"Not I," said the Undecideds.
"Not I," said the Libertarians.
"Then I will," said Little Red State Fundy.
So she made databases and phone banks, and walked door-to-door with petitions that talked of Gods Great Hatred of Gays, and Gods Great Hatred of Judges that did not worship the Hate God in exactly the way the Little Red State Fundy told them to.
Then she carried the hate to steps of the Congress and the White House.
"Who will make a mandate from this hate?" she asked.
"Not I," said the Moderate Republicans.
"Not I," said the Undecideds.
"Not I," said the Libertarians.
"Then I will," said Little Red State Fundy.
So she got on the phone with her very good friend Karl Rove and with his help organized carpools to the polls, and get-out-the-vote drives, anti-gay marriage amendments and smear campaigns. For Jesus.
And Little Red State Fundy delivered the margin of victory and was featured in many, many magazines: without Little Red State Fundy, the Republican Party could never, ever, ever win anything.
And now everybody knew it.
Then she said, "Now who shall help me Rule the Earth."
"We will!" said Moderate Republicans, Undecideds, and Libertarians.
"I am quite sure you would," said Little Red State Fundy, "but see, now you are all my bitches."
Then she called Randall Terry and Tom DeLay and Ann Coulter and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh and James Dobson, and they and the rest of the Shining Path Republicans used what was left of the Constitution as ass-floss.
And judges were terrorized into silence.
And those deemed ungodly were beaten in the streets.
And they invaded whoever the fuck they felt like, for whatever fucking reason they chose.
And the very idea of a Free and Fair press died.
And to people who had been very clear all along that they genuinely believed in a Theocratic Nanny State and thought that precipitating Armageddon and triggering the Second Coming should be the highest calling of any worldly government, were handed over the police, courts, government, treasury and nuclear weapons stockpiles of the United States of America.
And in the end -- just as they had been warned for the past twenty years -- there was nothing whatsoever left at all for Moderate Republicans, Undecideds, and Libertarians.
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