Birthday Fundraiser Day Two -- Clap For The Wolfman.

(Me on my 6th birthday, some numbers of years ago)

In case I wasn't clear yesterday, for Big Birthday Fun I'm doing callbacks to late October/early November of 2015,  Back during the Before Time when all of our Never Trumper allies assure us that Republicans were awesome and the GOP was a mighty party full of Burke-quoting patriots with pioneer values.   

Today we'll be looking back at the Republican candidate's debate which took place on October 27th of that year.  It's a moment of history which I always find especially, darkly hilarious because of how completely fictionalized and bowdlerized and valorized is has become in the Annals of Never Trumper Fake History.  By their accounts, the stage was wall-to-wall with the Best and the Brightest.  The cream of the crop of the Party of Lincoln.  Heroes!  Heroes All!  Trembling on the verge of erasing the terrible legacy of the Kenyan Usurper, defeating his Bene Gesserit witch in 2016 and launching a new Conserative Renaissance.

Until an orange troll with magical powers snuck onto the stage and stole it all away from them.

This is the point in every retelling of those days by which every Never Trumper has become helplessly drunk, is weeping big maudlin tears and crying out...

How shall we sing Buckley's song in a strange land?  If I forget thee, O Reagan, let my right hand forget her cunning.  If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Reagan above my chief joy.

Sure.  Right.  Ok.  Sleep it off big fella while I remind the crowd what a broken-down freak show of con men, ballyhoo preachers, vulture capitalists, empty suits and just plain morons the GOP actually was back in 2015.  Goofs and flim flammers all jumping up and down, desperately competing for the favor of the imbecile mob, which is why Trump swept them all aside with such relative ease.  

After all, who understands the mingy soul of the mob better than a mobster?

It was a play in five acts, followed by a finale. I present excerpts of it from my 2015 post, "At The GOP Debate: Clap for the Wolfman" today as an act of defiant remembering:

Clap for the Wolfman
He gonna make your ratings high
Clap for the Wolfman
You gonna dig him 'til the day you die 

Pregame

I hate everyone on CNBC right now.   It's Fox News with slightly less garish flags. Although I must say it is adorable that Larry Kudlow insists that the GOP base gives a shit about substance.

ReaganReaganReagan.

Also Kudlow -- who appears slightly bombed, although maybe this is just what early-onset Conservative senior dementia looks like -- believes that massive corporate tax cuts are basically "middle class" and will pay for themselves.

It was cruel of the RNC to force Bobby Jindal to sling peanuts and orange whip in the aisles at the grownup debate.  Cruel...but fair.

Fuck you, CNBC.  I'll use whatever hashtag I want!  You're not the boss of me.

Also, full disclosure.  I was born in Colorado.  My aunt and grandparents lived in Boulder for many years, and I have several relatives who live in the state to this day.  It is s lovely place and deserves better than this.   

 

Act I:

No opening statements.  You lose Trump!

John Harwood: Show me your asses in 3...2...1...

John Kasich:  I'm most qualified to be up here because everyone else up here is fucking insane.

Jeb Bush:  I can't fake anger.  I can't fake anything.  For example, I have a tiny boner right now and can't pretend otherwise.

Donald Trump:  I trust too much and then I avenge myself brutally on everyone who slights me.  Looking at you, Carson.

Ben Carson:  I can't see myself in the mirror.  It's weird.  I can see Reagan though.

Carly Fiorina:  People say I'm a humorless monster.  Most people.  Ok...everyone.

Ben Carson:  Not mirror Reagan!  Mirror Reagan loves everyone.

Ted Cruz:  I won't get drunk with you but I will haul your unconscious body out to my car and drive you away into the night.  

Chris Christie:  I know many words ending with "ist"!  Did I win?

Rand Paul:  I will filibuster my ass off.

John Harwood: Are you a cartoon Donald Trump?  Like Skeletor or Scooby Doo?

Donald Trump:  Larry Kudlow loves my plan you pissy child.  And we can build a wall, easy.

John Harwood:   You'll create a zillion dollar deficit.  

Jeb Bush: I must interrupt... (fails to interrupt)

Ben Carson:  I did not call for a 10% tax.  I called for tithing.  Ish.  So maybe 15%.  Something Bible-y.  Also we'll need to cut a lot of agencies I know nothing about and which are funded at levels I don't understand to do things I can't explain...

And on and on it went.

 Act II:

Becky Quick:  You used the bankruptcy laws, Trump.

Donald Trump:  No.  I used the bankruptcy laws awesomely.

Ben Carson:  Some companies make too much profit.  But what about the people.  The average small manufacturer of anything is being screwed by regulation.   So under President Carson dump all the mercury and PCBs you want, bitches!

Chris Christie:  Hillary Clinton price controls are not the answer. 

John Harwood:  No new taxes right?

Jeb Bush:  Obama got his way.  Bastard!   

John Harwood:  But no new taxes right?

Jeb Bush:  Quit asking me hard questions.

Carly Fiorina lectures on crony capitalism.  And irony dies.  Because it can't afford its prescription drugs anymore.   Carly is really into page numbers.  Small numbers of pages, good.  Large number, bad.  So I guess we can welcome her to our next "Atlas Shrugged" book burning.  

Becky Quick:  You can't balance a checkbook, Rubio.  

Marco Rubio:  I was born a poor black child.  Wait, what?

John Kasich:  I will pass a constitutional amendment to do stuff I want.  Also,  have I mentioned that these people are nuts?

Ted Cruz:  My mom was born a poor black child.  And then Jesus.  And now the dirty Liberals want to ruin the lives of poor women under the Big Gummint Barack O'Commie Hillary Clinton economy.

Carly Fiorina:  Hillary Clinton hates women.  Also most of the jobs that Barack Obama flushed down the crapper during the Great Bush Recession belonged to women.  Also I don't understand linear time.

Ben Carson:  The constitution protects everyone.  Even the gays,  Also marriage is only between one man and one woman.   The fact that you can't reconcile those two just shows that PC culture and Liberals are ruining this country...

And on and on it went.

Act III

Marco Rubio:  To eliminate unfairness in the tech industry we need more regulations.  Also we need less regulation.  And more training.

driftglass:  Training...like the programs that Barack O'Commie has been advocating for the last seven years?

the 1 thing that pisses me off from this is that these asshats don't know vocational colleges are thriving in this country! #CNBCGOPDebate

— Jimmy williams (@Jimmyspolitics) October 29, 2015

Becky Quick:  You talked some shit about Mark Zuckerberg.

Donald Trump: No I didn't.

Becky Quick:  So where did I get that idea?

Donald Trump:   Fuck if I know how where you people get your fictions.  Also I want to mention that I self-fund.  SuperPACs are a scam.  I'm not blaming these people.  Well, I am.  Specifically...everybody.

Marco Rubio:  Liberals have their own SuperPAC called the...mainstream media (meatheads cheeeeer)  Hillary Clinton is a liar!  Benghaaaazi!

Jesus Haploid Christ, Rick Fucking Santelli?  Really?  Why not Alec Jones?  Why not Space Ghost on a three-day bender?

Ben Carson:  I was wrong about my position about oil subsidies.  We would all do much better if every single regulation and every single government function wandered off into the woods and died. 

Becky Quick:  Income inequality?

Mike Huckabee:  Government is a blimp full of hot air and communists.  People are hurting.  If we cure lots of diseases that'd be great!

John Harwood:  Why would you tax labor more that rich people?

Jeb Bush:  We need to radically change stuff.  Under Barack Obama everything is awful.

John Harwood: Your tax plan bites zombie ass.  The Tax Foundation said after-tax income would go up for the rich and the middle class would get screwed.

Marco Rubio:  The guy who does my dry-cleaning disagrees with you.  And I don't tax investments at all.

Rand Paul:  My tax plan gets rid of all payroll tax and screws the middle class behind the barn, safely out of sight.  Hastert-Style!...

 And on and on it went.

Act IV

Becky Quick:  Here's the quote that proves you were lying Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump:  Meh.

Carl Quintanilla:  You carry a gun,  Mr.  Trump.  Are you cool with your employees packing?

Donald Trump:   The sickos look around for gun-free zones.  I carry, but I like to be unpredictable.  And my people can carry if they wanna.

Carl Quintanilla: Currently you don't allow that.

Donald Trump:  Meh.

Carl Quintanilla: Mike Huckabee, does Donald Trump have the moral authority to be president?

Mike Huckabee:  What a cheap question.  I'm wearing Trump-brand ties and Trump-brand nipple clamps right now.   Deal with that,  Donald Trump would be a better president all day and twice in Sunday that Hillary Clinton.  I fought the Clinton machine every day for the last 20 years,  And lived to tell about it.  Unlike Vince Foster.  Who she killed.  So she could have lesbian scissor sex and then watch Murricans dies in Benghaaaazi.   With Sidney Blumenthal.  Who is a Jew.

Chris Christie:  May I add that Obama hates cops.

Jeb Bush:  I'm dyin' out here so let me just say, Liberals, Big Gummint and student debt.  Now having trashed regulation, I will propose more regulation.

Chris Christie:  What the Hell are we doing talking about fantasy football.  Let's get back to talking about donuts and cops.

John Harwood:  So you want the government to invest in energy?

Chris Christie:  Shut up, Harwood.  The government is completely incapable of solving any problem anywhere so please let me to run it.

Rand Paul:  The only way to fix Social Security is to have old people work in jobs that no longer exist until they drop...

Act V

Mike Huckabee:  You want to drive costs down?  Magically fix all diseases.  Boom.  Done.  Next issue.

Jeb Bush:  The poors will do better with me.  Please vote for me, poors.

Donald Trump:  We're going to bring jobs back.  Cut costs.  Save Social Security.  And alla that other stuff.

John Kasich:  In my state we used technology to save Medicare.  It's called SkyNet.  Look it up!

Rand Paul:  People who want to do nothing aren't cool.  There is no money anywhere anymore.

John Harwood:  You said you would like to replace Medicare with piggy banks.

Ben Carson:  I want to give people the option of opting out of Medicare in favor of piggy banks.

Chris Christie:  Ben is right.  If we send more money to Washington, they'll use it to kill us all and give free stuff to Those People.

Marco Rubio:  The GOP is blessed to have so much awesome.  And as long as we don't screw the olds, we can definitely screw the poors.

Final Statements:

Rand Paul:  I want a government so small that my tiny penis looks like Godzilla next to it.

Chris Christie:  Are you fed up... with mashed potatoes and bile..,like me.  Deadly serious.  Deadly.

Ted Cruz:  Everyone here talks about nuking Washington from space and mowing down the survivors with machine guns...

Carly Fiorina:  Nothing ever changes, which is why we need someone to do to Washington what I did to HP.  I am Hillary Clinton's nightmare.

You are everyone's nightmare, honey.  A preening, incompetent parasite who isn't satisfied to loot-and-scoot with other people'd money, but wants to prance back over the blood and rubble she left behind with a bucket of whitewash and get away with it.

Ben Carson:  Thanks everyone.  Especially Mirror Reagan.  I love you Jesus!

Donald Trump:  We used to win like motherfuckers.  Me and Ben told these idiots at CNBC to shaddap and cut this down to two hours.   And they did.  And that's what I will do for Murrica.

Marco Rubio:  My parents...

Jeb Bush:  Crossroads.  DC politicians.  The culture in Washington.  I will unify.  Leftovers from my idiot brother's 2000 stump speech.  Imagine a country where people are amazing enough to forget my name is "Bush".

Mike Huckabee:  I know the media thinks this is a big joke.  But I do not want to walk my five grand-kids through the charred remains of Murrica.

John Kasich:  I was on Morning Joe the other week...

driftglass:  So was Ron Fournier, Bill Kristol and Donald Trump 72 times, Kasich.  This is not the resume-builder you think it is.

Through the magic of Conservative Strategic Forgettery (tm),  these mopes and grifters have become the Titans of the Good Old Days.   Legendary figures bestriding a Conservativism That Never Was which all of your Never Trumpers allies now speak of in whispered tones of awe and reverence.  

Which is why (sing it with me now) you can never trust a Never Trumper.

Birthday Fundraiser Dough Here