McCain/Johnson Jeremy 08 ?

"If you could just have a quick look at my, uh, sagging, uh, swing state, uh, poll numbers."

"Sorry, old dude, but thirty years in the business taught me there's some things even my Majyk Healing Porn Powers can't save."


Senator, it is truly too bad that when you were but a wee cranky lad, Little Johnny never read any of those cautionary tales about genies and lamps and being very careful about what one wishes for.

Because now your dearest, double-dog-dare dream has come true: Barack Hussein Obama is on a tour of Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel and Europe. which should have made you very happy because, hey, gotcher wish (And how many of us can say that?) and since you advertise yourself as a shrewd judge of politics –--what Murricans want -- and the international situation -- what the set of all people who aren’t Murricans want -- this was your chance to do a merry I-told-you-so dance as Senator Obama fell into your clever tiger pit.

Bwahahahaha!

Unfortunately, Senator Nostradamus, the first thing you failed to foresee was the entire United States media establishment joining Senator Obama abroad.

Obama Overseas! In Presidential Mode! Back Home, It’s McCain in a Golf Cart.

Article Tools Sponsored By
By ALESSANDRA STANLEY

Published: July 23, 2008
It wasn’t a television blackout of John McCain; it was worse: split-screen contrasts that at times made it seem as if Barack Obama was on a state visit while back home his opponent chafed at the perks and privileges of an incumbent commander in chief.

...

On Tuesday, Mr. McCain held a town hall-style meeting in Rochester, N.H. In the shadow of the ancient Temple of Hercules in Amman, Jordan, Mr. Obama solemnly described his vision for peace in the region while standing at a lectern, the Middle East sprawling out behind him. Reporters were cordoned in front of him like the White House press corps — except that an audio snag kept their questions inaudible.

All three cable news networks carried Mr. Obama’s news conference live and in full. They showed only parts of Mr. McCain’s forum and focused mostly on his reaction to Mr. Obama’s statements. Even Fox News broke away from Mr. McCain midevent to cover the rescue of a bear cub wounded in a California fire and nicknamed Lil’ Smokey.

Which meant that, outside of the handful of Fox News copyboys who are not running down breaking news about rescuing a bear cub, there is no one left in America for you to just sorta casually remind during the course of normal conversation that You Are A Fucking War Hero ["McCain Stipulation" duly stipulated] and shouldn't have to queue up for media handjobs like some hobo trying to sneak back in line for seconds at the soup kitchen’s Thanksgiving supper!

The second thing you seem to have failed to count on was your rival being greeted by cheering crowds and

cheering American soldiers.

The third thing you failed to foretell was your rival’s policies being endorsed by both the Prime Minister of Iraq

McCain knee-capped by Maliki
By Jim Lobe

WASHINGTON - This weekend's surprise endorsement by Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki of Senator Barack Obama's call for American combat forces to leave Iraq by mid-2010 marks a serious setback to Republican Senator John McCain, who has tried hard to depict his Democratic rival as "naive" on foreign policy, especially with respect to Iraq.

That Maliki's endorsement in an interview with Germany's Der Spiegel magazine came on the very eve of Obama's visit to Baghdad has made things even worse for the McCain camp, which at first echoed the White House in insisting that the prime minister's remarks had been "misunderstood and mistranslated".

Even McCain's staunchest supporters admitted on Monday that Maliki's comments constituted what the right-wing National Review magazine called a "body-blow" to the Republican candidate, who has made Iraq - and what he claims is the unqualified success of the "surge" strategy in the past year there - the centerpiece of his efforts to claim the mantle of seasoned foreign policy veteran.

"Maybe McCain shouldn't have been so emphatic" about urging Obama to visit Iraq, rued the Review's White House correspondent, Byron York.
...

…and then sorta-but-not-really-but-kinda endorsed by the Bush White House.

Now I can well imagine how eye-wateringly bad the desperate panther sweat of "We must fucking do something right fucking now!” stinking up the aisles of the “Doubletalk Express” must be for you to be verging on playing one of the few, precious media face-cards you still hold in order to stop the hemorrhaging.

And, sure, the odds-on favorites have been narrowed to --

Bobby Jindal (Plus: Very Conservative. Minus: Campaign would be haunted every day by fears of sudden-onset-puberty-voice-changes. Also performing exorcisms and drop-kicking evolution not big selling points outside of the more "inbreeding-optional" trailer parks.)

Fred Thompson (Plus: Low maintenance. Minus: You risk getting lost in the glare from his high-wattage charisma-machine personality. Also Jeri Thompson + Cindy McCain = virtual guarantee of a “Dynasty”-grade blond-on-blond smack-down

at the best worst possible time.)

Failed Senator Rick Santorum (Plus: Made of solid Conservativium. Minus: Rick who? Also just as dumb as a sock full of lead.)

Gerald McRaney (Plus: Will work for scale in almost anything. Minus: Always made side-kick look slow and girly on “Simon & Simon” and who needs that headache?)

Jerry Van Dyke (Plus: Owns own banjo. Minus: Incessant banjo-playing not big selling point outside of GOP Base. Also might be dead.)

Inspector Gadget (Plus: Probably knows a lot about this “internet” thing. Minus: Cartoon.)

Les Nessman (Plus: A newsman who burns with a fanatic hatred of the Dirty Commies so bright he makes Chris Wallace look like Leon Trotsky. Minus: Already asked him to be Ambassador to Czechoslovakia.)

Doll Man

(Plus: Good handshake, and virtually guarantees midget vote. Minus: Possibly fictional.)

Mittens Romney (Plus: Wallet. Hair. Wallet. Bi-lateral symmetry. And wallet. Minus: McSame hates his stinking guts. Also fringe-cult slap-fight between Rapture-ready GOP Base and Mormon Romney may threaten to distract from Republican Core Mission: raze the remains of the Constitution and outsource the rest of the government to Cheney-led Legion of Doom.)

Dawn Wells (Plus: Girl next door. Minus: Girl next door busted for possession. Charges dismissed, but still, anyone that close to Demon Reefer is not to be trusted.)

Adam West (Plus: He’s Adam Fucking West. Minus: While living in a cave and frolicking through various gay bondage scenes in weird costumes with a younger man may be the Beltway GOP Insider’s idea of Heaven on Earth, it is not big selling point with GOP Base.)

-- which, don't get me wrong, are all swell choices -- but none of them really precipitate that Bold, Mavericky Man Musk scent out of thin air that, let’s face it, you are starting to really, really need if you want to salvage what's left of your imploding Brand Name.

And not for just now, but think about tomorrow, Senator. What happens after get your ass handed to you in November? Think of how much of your future and legacy is gonna depend on you being being that hale-fellow-well-met Senator from NBC. And at the rate you are reversing yourself, messing up basic facts, pandering to your loony base and selling out your principles, how much of that teevee-movie-friendly capital is going to survive your coming Barackalypse?

So Senator, please consider for a moment all the pluses a Ron Jeremy

would bring to the ticket?

First, you already on record as being strongly in favor of more Dick in the White House…

...

But before Cheney became a political albatross, McCain overflowed with kind things to say about him. In fact, in July 2004, McCain described Cheney as one of the best vice presidents ever:

At a July 15 appearance in Michigan, McCain dampened the speculation by calling Cheney “one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had."

Second, unless you reanimate the corpse of Jerry Falwell and nominate him as your VP after carrying him into the convention borne on a litter made of thrice-blessed bones straight from the reliquary of Saint Ronald Reagan (the other way around works just as well) the Base are gonna squat in their double-wides and bay like rabid dogs at any choice you make, so why not have some fun with it?

Third, of all the myriad cock-ups of the last seven years, you have inexplicably picked one of the most catastrophically wrong lessons anyone could ever learn from the Failed Presidency of George W. Bush and put it right on your fucking letterhead: From telling the Iraqi Government to shut up and do what they’re told, to not even bothering to get right the basic geography or major religions of a place you want to bomb and occupy for a hundred years, to your campaign coming ridiculously close to actually mocking Barack Obama for not being booed and hated abroad, you clearly believe there is no foreign policy problem so complex and intractable that it can’t be solved by dropping trou and flopping your johnson out on the desk.

And, honestly, who would be better equipped to dick-slap the rest of the human race in the name of American hegemony than Ron Jeremy?

Fourth, if I were looking for someone who really knows the brutal realities of market economics as they take place on the ground, I’d be scanning the resume for adult entertainment industry experience. Why? Because, as a rule, there is no purer expression of raw capitalism than the business of the slaking our horny selves in all of its baroque manifestations.

Because, even as we speak, “economics” is in the middle of headlong, knives-out game of Naked Twister with “digital information”, and the motive power that’s driven virtually every breakthrough in information technology -- be it the in-home fresco, the printing press, the power press, color reproduction, the telephone, movies, video, DVDs or the internet -- from boutique novelty to scalable, commercial enterprise has been the gloriously smutty engine of human carnal desire.

And someone who has actually grubbed a living at the intersection of data and dildos might be able to tell you something about what that other invisible hand is doing while its more respectable twin is jerking markets around.

Fifth, the whole idea of having smut merchants in the President’s inner circle was already de facto vetted by the GOP when Phil Gramm became your Grand Economic Vizier. Gramm got dropped like 200-lbs of wet sand from a sinking balloon not because of
his sordid past as a low-rent pornographer,

but because he called America a nation of whiners.

Bad choice of noun; we are not a nation of whiners.

But I bet we could definitely get behind being a nation of loud moaners.