Journalisming Resigns

Plans to “…spend more time fawning over hookers and thugs and harassing my family with 20-year-old-quotes.”

Shortly before midnight Eastern Standard Time last night, Journalisming stepped to the microphone to concede defeat in the 2008 New Hampshire primary.

Here are excerpts from that speech:

…
In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have enough gall to continue pretending that I am anything other than a Brioni vortex of pampered stoopid. Something twinkly for the eye to distract you while my corporate sponsors rape your country back into a pre-Magna Carta feudal dystopia.

As long as I could mesmerize you out of noticing my serial lies and fuckups, I felt strongly that we could continue the charade of dividing the media world up into the Serious Villagers (a He Man/Woman-Haters club of high school keg hog Juniors who fill the world with a white noise of trivia and are almost always wrong about everything) and the Smelly Rabble (who are often right, or at least have the balls the ask Important Questions), that to do otherwise would be a dangerously destabilizing precedent for the future.

But with the disappearance of any remaining vestige or credibilty, I now believe that there is no longer a need for the agony to be prolonged.

…

I have never been a quitter: I can’t quit lying, drinking or falling in deep, deep man-love with every mumbling Authoritarian huckster who smells like my Daddy’s underpants. To quit pulling down a rock-star salary for squatting like a toad, reading polls numbers and old quotes and squinting ominously while my profession cries poormouth and dies in my arms is abhorrent to every instinct in my body.

But my “coverage” of the political season has been such an utter embarrassment that it now cannot be seen for anything short of what it was: Journalisming’s mass extinction event.

Honestly, I get everything important wrong always. I listen earnestly to proven liars and traitors. I roll my eyes at the truth. I like my sentences simple, declarative and five words long. I let the Bush Administration shit in my pockets and pee in my hair for seven years and thanked them for ”access”.

I told you Saint John McCain was dead. Money gone, bus stripped, living in boxes and begging for nickels under the off-ramp to that Bridge to the 21st Century.

That Romney or Mayor 9/11 already owned the nomination.

That the H.M.S. Clinton was unsinkable.

That Obama was a cute little water-skiing squirrel story

that would never come to anything.

Then, suddenly, the H.M.S. Clinton was doomed. Doomed I tells ya! Doooooomed! And Obama was riding to the nomination like Jebus riding into Jerusalem.

Therefore, I shall resign the Punditocracy effective at noon tomorrow. A committee of bloggers will be sworn in as the New Media at that hour in this office.

Because I am an idiot.

Full of sound and fury.

I signify nothing.

And you need to Stop. Listening. To. Me.