Using a combination

of "Minority Report" and "Deja Vu" technologies, we look two days into the future.

What we find is...disturbing.

Today in Future News;

Bush Predicts Midterm Victory.

Cautions Republicans to “stay the course” if they want to win on election day.

President Bush reaffirmed his support for both his controversial chief political and spiritual advisor -- Karl Rove (also know throughout D.C. insider circles as “The Architect”, “Turdblossom” and “A Leaky Human Colostomy Bag”) -- and his strategy for maintaining control of the Congress, saying he wanted Secretary of Ratfucking Rove to remain until the end of his presidency.

The president’s verbal taint-laving of Mr. Rove, offered during a brief, between-strategy-session break at the Camelot Gentleman’s Club while Condi ran across the street to reload up on singles, seemed to be another reflection of Mr. Bush’s belief in the basic wisdom of Rove’s controversial “Call Everyone to the Left of Ann Coulter Traitor Traitor Traitor” strategy for midterm victory, and his determination not to back away from it even though the election ended over 48 hours ago with decisive Democratic victories nationwide.

Mr. Bush praised Mr. Rove’s supervision of the midterm campaigns in such previously-battleground states as Ohio and Pennsylvania, his attempts to drill even further into the base with a strategy built around elevating public fear of gay, flag-burning Mexicans. “I’m pleased with the progress we’re making,” Mr. Bush said during the interview. “Come election day I am firmly convinced we will gain four to six seats in Congress and probably pick up a few Governorships.”

The president said he valued the advice and judgment of Mr. Rove, before whose tenure, the job of ratfucker had not been an official, Cabinet-level appointment. “The good thing about Karl’s advice is, I don’t need to read any newspapers to figure out what’s going on,” Mr. Bush said. “Like Dick and Don do with Iraq, Karl tells me what’s going on politically, and then I know.”


Democrats were quick to point out that the Republican Party had already lost the midterm elections and conceded defeat days before in one of the most remarkable electoral sweeps in recent memory. That the results of most races had been called by every major network and media outlet as early as 11:00 PST, two days ago.

“Somebody’s gonna have to tell the guy,” said Future House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi. “Maybe Laura could break it to him? Or Barney? He seems to listen to Barney a lot.”

Senator Charles E. Schumer of New York said, “I admit at first I thought it was kinda creepy/funny – like watching Tucker Carlson dance, or a clown tweaking out on ketamine and poppers. But then I remembered this is the same idiot who has his finger on the button and I am not ashamed to admit that I shit myself in panic.”

Insiders reveal for the first time that Mr. Rove’s vaunted “October Surprise” was apparently a parasol drink of some kind that Mr. Rove has been pounding down by the gallon for several months now. Instead, Rove ran what some are now calling an “October Reprise” -- his by-now familiar and predictable blend of “fear, fraud and fags” that led George W. Bush to re-election in 2004. But this year the public wasn’t buying what the GOP was selling and sent the Republicans packing back into the political wilderness.

Still, “Ol’ Turdblossom’s doing a heckuva fantastic job,” Mr. Bush told the A.P. during the late-afternoon interview. Despite victory celebrations, wall-to-wall coverage of the Dem’s historic return to power and the certification of Tuesday’s results as final and irrevocable by election judges in every state, the president and his top aides are still confident of "eventual victory."

“We have said repeatedly that no campaign ever goes exactly as planned,” Mr. Bush concluded, “but if we stay the course just a while longer, I know that we’re going to come roarin' into Election Day because we've got the right position on taxes, we've got the right position on what it takes to protect you from attack.”