“Hey? What’s that ‘poo’ smell?”

Bobo whines, having walked a million miles in a diarrhea-fedora and a pair of thigh-high dung-stilettos.

Behind the Great Wall of Time’s Select Dis, Bobo squats on his flat rock and muses over the Absolutely Shocking revelation that the Republican Party is run by, uh, Bad People.

Who knew?

Perhaps if he occasionally got up off his knees and bothered to look at who was paying the freight at the Party he was hired to strip, lap-dance and bareback?

Perhaps if used a 100-watt-bulb instead of a 20-watter in that dimly-lit booth he uses when he knobs his overlords he would have noticed at some point in the last thirty fucking years the True Face of the men who run his Party.

One bit of health advice though; If you stroke that pre-pubescent peachfuzz any harder, Brooksie, and pick at those microscopic nits any more fiercely, your chin’s gonna come right off.

This snipped from an Op Ed entitled “Saving the House” From the January 5th, 2006 NYT.

Interspersed with helpful commentary by me…

"I don't know what's more pathetic, Jack Abramoff's sleaze or Republican paralysis in the face of it. Abramoff walks out of a D.C. courthouse in his pseudo-Hasidic homburg, and all that leading Republicans can do is promise to return his money and remind everyone that some Democrats are involved in the scandal, too."

(Oh! Oh! I do! Oh! I do I do I do I do! Call on me Bobo! Pleeeease!

What’s more pathetic that Abramoff’s sleaze or GOP paralysis?

How about the whinging, truckling faux-shock of a certain NYT hack.

Why?

Because Abramoff is what he is – even though what he is will turn you to ash if you look directly into its eyes. And DeLay is what he is too; a moral dumpster-fire that’s been burning and filling the political air with toxins for twenty year.

But BoBo tricks himself out in “journalist” threads and goes paid-walkabout on PBS, NBC and in the pages of the NYT as such. And yet no one but a partisan propagandist as deep into the GOP swag bag as pocket lint could not have seen this coming down the middle of Michigan Avenue at noon a mile away.

Abramoff and DeLay have both simply fulfilled the “other duties as assigned” small print of their chosen professions – bag-man/pimp/crime-boss and his symbiot; the fake-Christian political huckster/douchebag.

OTOH -- and as corny as it sounds -- BoBo betrayed his profession by deliberately refusing to notice the “alarum bell in the night” until it was booming at a thousand decibels from above the fold on the front page of his very own paper.)

...
"First, they need to hold new leadership elections. As Newt Gingrich and Vin Weber told me yesterday, Tom DeLay needs to take care of his own legal problems and give up the dream of returning as majority leader."

Wow. Turning to Newt Fucking Gingrich for advice on the de-sleazification of the Republican party? Wow. This is mockery-on-self-destruct-autopilot. It’s a target too fat and there’s no sport in it.

Like hunting legless mouse babies.

In a teacup.

With an RPG.

I have no words.

I just hope BoBo made him use a condom.

BoBo continues…

...
"But Republicans need to do more than bump DeLay. They need to put the entire leadership team up for a re-vote. That's because the real problem wasn't DeLay, it was DeLayism, the whole culture that merged K Street with the Hill, and held that raising money is the most important way to contribute to the team."

Driftglass Translation:

But the Real Problem with the White House isn’t Bush…its Bushism

But the real Problem with the Senate isn’t Bill Frist or Rick Santorum…its Fristitis and Santorosis.

But the Real Problem with the Entire Religious Right isn’t the slope-browed, knuckle-dragging likes of James Dobson or Phyllis Schlafly or Donald Wildmon or Jerry Falwell or the rest of the Christopaths who power your million-mile-long Electoral train packed to the rafters with an omnium-gatherum of morally diseased, Flag-swaddled Self Righteous Swine…it’s the DobsOnanism.

In other words, the fault, posits Dear Bobo, is not in the Party, but in some ineffable quality that just so happens to perfectly overlap every square inch of the Party.

He continues with a list of technical reforms… but one cannot help but notice that the sudden, late-life conscience growth spurt that Brooks now claims has him positively bursting pastel-togged-Hulk-like out of the seams of his flouncy Little Boy Pants, came only after the Maximum Lobbyist for Life – Jack Abramoff finally announced all over the front page of the NYT that he had flipped and was going to be a Big Ol’ Blabbermouth !

(Abramoff is pictured here undergoing the oral exam at which seven Republican dik-dik birds were pried out from between his teeth.

Mercifully not pictured is the rectal exam that immediately followed. It is reliably reported that sixteen Party leaders and an even dozen Bush Pioneers were tweezed out of “Dirty Jack’s” colon.)

Only then did Brooksie the Ace Newshound pick up the faint and highly attenuated scent of a possible story goin’ on ‘round here.

Then Bobo ticks off a series of technical reforms that he suggests that the GOP should make in order to get back on track, ignoring the rather obvious fact that they are on track.

Looting the government…was the plan.

Leaving the poor to rot…was the plan.

Romping into Iraq for oil and plunder on a caravan of lies and at the expense of our nation’s blood and reputation…was the plan.

But to put across the Grover Norquist/Jerry Falwell vision of America as a lawless, oligarchic Jesusland they needed stooges and apologists…like you BoBo.

You, Brooksie, were the plan.

…
"Second, the Republicans need to get a grip on earmarks.
…
Third, Republicans need to steal David Obey and Barney Frank's lobbying-reform ideas.
…
Fourth, enforce House rules. There's bound to be corruption when spending provisions can be slipped into legislation in the dead of night, outside the normal oversight procedures.
…
Fifth, rebuild the ethics committees.
…
Sixth, readopt the pay-as-you-go budget rules.
…
Finally, today before noon, fire Bob Ney as chairman of the House Administration Committee. For God's sake, Republicans, show a little moral revulsion.

Back in the dim recesses of my mind, I remember a party that thought of itself as a reform, or even a revolutionary movement. That party used to be known as the Republican Party.

I wonder if it still exists."

It doesn’t.

It never has.

And you, Bobo, have nothing but dim recesses.

These are the same people who have told us to our faces for three decades that Government Is The Problem. That everything from health to food to oil to torture to coal mines needs to be completely deregulated. That Social Security needs to be eliminated.

That government must be annihilated.

So, BoBo, why in the fuck would a party of looters be interested in oiling the hinges on the vault door?

But that isn’t what’s interesting here.

What’s interesting is, yet again, the Dog that Didn’t Bark in the Night.

What BoBo is NOT suggesting.

The farrago of moral decomposition and indefensibly wretched excess that is the woof and warp of the GOP has been allowed to metastasize to such a scope and scale and worm into the belly of the body politic to a deeper level than the likes of Jim Wright and Dan Rostenkowski ever fucking dreamed of for one reason.

Because your criminals hide behind Christ, Bobo.

It is no accident that shoulder-to-shoulder with a mob-wannabe thug like Abramoff stood pillars of the Christian Right like Tom DeLay and Ralph “Satan’s Babyfaced Fingerfood” Reed.

In the past, Democrats -- like anyone else -- can and have become corrupt, and can and have been punished for it.

Severely.

The thing that makes the Republican Party different is not the rot in their hearts – which is capacious – and their seething hatred of the Brown Poor – which they rationalize away into the mists of market theory.

No what makes them worse – lethally worse – is their Fundamentalist Ideology.

Period.

Because when you are lining your pockets with House postage stamps, you’re just a crook and we’re all sinners here. But when you believe that God Has Chosen Your Party…you can justify any excesses.

When you have grown besotted on the grotesque perversion of the teachings of Jesus that is Conservative Christian Fundamentalism – when you cast yourself as the righteous Christian Soldiers at war with the Evil Liberal Humanists – then all things are permitted.

When you wrap your dick in the Flag and the Bible, then you can fuck anyone and anything any way you like because you believe that God is on your side.

You can justify an illegal war.

You can justify torture.

You can justify murder.

You can justify shredding the Constitution.

You can justify demanding your fucktard superstition trump science.

You can justify impeaching my President for trivia and letting your President skate over treason.

You can justify blaming Columbine on condoms and teaching evolution.

You can justify bombing Family Planning Clinics.

You can justify lynching.

You can justify blaming 9/11 on gays and feminists and the ACLU.

You can justify blaming hurricanes on liberals.

You can justify assassination.

You can justify calling liberal judges a greater threat to America than Nazis and terrorists.

You can justify turning women back into the reproductive chattel of men.

And having swallowed all of those camels, you certainly won’t strain at a few gnats like graft, corruption, extortion, blackmail and all the rest…because all of these things are simply means to the ends of the Greater Glory of the Prince of Peace!

And your Party is the one that is so fucking Blessed and Highly Favored in His eyes, right?

Mr. Brooks, these people are the problem and these people run your party. And what the fuck kind of congenital cerebral malfunction do you have that you cannot see that?

Because one cannot help but also notice the glaring omission from your shopping list. No mention made of that one reform that would actually, structurally alter the carcinoma-based DNA from which the Modern GOP has been bred.

And it’s so easy.

Just dump the bigots, Bobo.

And tell the racists to hit the fucking bricks.

Stop the clown car and kick the science-hating, gay-bashing Christopaths to the curb.

Oh, but then you’d lose, wouldn’t you?

That’s the real dirty little secret behind all of this.

You know that if you really, actually flushed the scum of the Earth your Southern Strategists have so carefully cultivated down the drain, the Republican Party wouldn’t win another election – anywhere – for another generation.

And your Party of God and Used Car Salemen cannot accept that, which is why you will always have Abramoffs and DeLays and Ralph Reeds hag-riding the GOP.

You know it and, more importantly, they know it, which is why they own you.

They are the emergent and inevitable result of the hate-driven moral absolutism, racism and pathologically perverted variant of Christianity that is the bedrock of the Modern GOP. And as long as they are allowed to remain as the pillar of your Party, it will always end in tears…

…and finding ten GOP powerbrokers hiding out from the FBI in Jack Abramoff’s GI tract.