Thursday, January 05, 2006

“Hey? What’s that ‘poo’ smell?”


Bobo whines, having walked a million miles in a diarrhea-fedora and a pair of thigh-high dung-stilettos.

Behind the Great Wall of Time’s Select Dis, Bobo squats on his flat rock and muses over the Absolutely Shocking revelation that the Republican Party is run by, uh, Bad People.

Who knew?

Perhaps if he occasionally got up off his knees and bothered to look at who was paying the freight at the Party he was hired to strip, lap-dance and bareback?

Perhaps if used a 100-watt-bulb instead of a 20-watter in that dimly-lit booth he uses when he knobs his overlords he would have noticed at some point in the last thirty fucking years the True Face of the men who run his Party.

One bit of health advice though; If you stroke that pre-pubescent peachfuzz any harder, Brooksie, and pick at those microscopic nits any more fiercely, your chin’s gonna come right off.

This snipped from an Op Ed entitled “Saving the House” From the January 5th, 2006 NYT.

Interspersed with helpful commentary by me…
"I don't know what's more pathetic, Jack Abramoff's sleaze or Republican paralysis in the face of it. Abramoff walks out of a D.C. courthouse in his pseudo-Hasidic homburg, and all that leading Republicans can do is promise to return his money and remind everyone that some Democrats are involved in the scandal, too."
(Oh! Oh! I do! Oh! I do I do I do I do! Call on me Bobo! Pleeeease!

What’s more pathetic that Abramoff’s sleaze or GOP paralysis?

How about the whinging, truckling faux-shock of a certain NYT hack.

Why?

Because Abramoff is what he is – even though what he is will turn you to ash if you look directly into its eyes. And DeLay is what he is too; a moral dumpster-fire that’s been burning and filling the political air with toxins for twenty year.

But BoBo tricks himself out in “journalist” threads and goes paid-walkabout on PBS, NBC and in the pages of the NYT as such. And yet no one but a partisan propagandist as deep into the GOP swag bag as pocket lint could not have seen this coming down the middle of Michigan Avenue at noon a mile away.

Abramoff and DeLay have both simply fulfilled the “other duties as assigned” small print of their chosen professions – bag-man/pimp/crime-boss and his symbiot; the fake-Christian political huckster/douchebag.

OTOH -- and as corny as it sounds -- BoBo betrayed his profession by deliberately refusing to notice the “alarum bell in the night” until it was booming at a thousand decibels from above the fold on the front page of his very own paper.)
...
"First, they need to hold new leadership elections. As Newt Gingrich and Vin Weber told me yesterday, Tom DeLay needs to take care of his own legal problems and give up the dream of returning as majority leader."
Wow. Turning to Newt Fucking Gingrich for advice on the de-sleazification of the Republican party? Wow. This is mockery-on-self-destruct-autopilot. It’s a target too fat and there’s no sport in it.

Like hunting legless mouse babies.

In a teacup.

With an RPG.

I have no words.

I just hope BoBo made him use a condom.

BoBo continues…
...
"But Republicans need to do more than bump DeLay. They need to put the entire leadership team up for a re-vote. That's because the real problem wasn't DeLay, it was DeLayism, the whole culture that merged K Street with the Hill, and held that raising money is the most important way to contribute to the team."
Driftglass Translation:

But the Real Problem with the White House isn’t Bush…its Bushism

But the real Problem with the Senate isn’t Bill Frist or Rick Santorum…its Fristitis and Santorosis.

But the Real Problem with the Entire Religious Right isn’t the slope-browed, knuckle-dragging likes of James Dobson or Phyllis Schlafly or Donald Wildmon or Jerry Falwell or the rest of the Christopaths who power your million-mile-long Electoral train packed to the rafters with an omnium-gatherum of morally diseased, Flag-swaddled Self Righteous Swine…it’s the DobsOnanism.

In other words, the fault, posits Dear Bobo, is not in the Party, but in some ineffable quality that just so happens to perfectly overlap every square inch of the Party.

He continues with a list of technical reforms… but one cannot help but notice that the sudden, late-life conscience growth spurt that Brooks now claims has him positively bursting pastel-togged-Hulk-like out of the seams of his flouncy Little Boy Pants, came only after the Maximum Lobbyist for Life – Jack Abramoff finally announced all over the front page of the NYT that he had flipped and was going to be a Big Ol’ Blabbermouth !

(Abramoff is pictured here undergoing the oral exam at which seven Republican dik-dik birds were pried out from between his teeth.

Mercifully not pictured is the rectal exam that immediately followed. It is reliably reported that sixteen Party leaders and an even dozen Bush Pioneers were tweezed out of “Dirty Jack’s” colon.)

Only then did Brooksie the Ace Newshound pick up the faint and highly attenuated scent of a possible story goin’ on ‘round here.

Then Bobo ticks off a series of technical reforms that he suggests that the GOP should make in order to get back on track, ignoring the rather obvious fact that they are on track.

Looting the government…was the plan.

Leaving the poor to rot…was the plan.

Romping into Iraq for oil and plunder on a caravan of lies and at the expense of our nation’s blood and reputation…was the plan.

But to put across the Grover Norquist/Jerry Falwell vision of America as a lawless, oligarchic Jesusland they needed stooges and apologists…like you BoBo.

You, Brooksie, were the plan.

"Second, the Republicans need to get a grip on earmarks.

Third, Republicans need to steal David Obey and Barney Frank's lobbying-reform ideas.

Fourth, enforce House rules. There's bound to be corruption when spending provisions can be slipped into legislation in the dead of night, outside the normal oversight procedures.

Fifth, rebuild the ethics committees.

Sixth, readopt the pay-as-you-go budget rules.

Finally, today before noon, fire Bob Ney as chairman of the House Administration Committee. For God's sake, Republicans, show a little moral revulsion.

Back in the dim recesses of my mind, I remember a party that thought of itself as a reform, or even a revolutionary movement. That party used to be known as the Republican Party.

I wonder if it still exists."

It doesn’t.

It never has.

And you, Bobo, have nothing but dim recesses.

These are the same people who have told us to our faces for three decades that Government Is The Problem. That everything from health to food to oil to torture to coal mines needs to be completely deregulated. That Social Security needs to be eliminated.

That government must be annihilated.

So, BoBo, why in the fuck would a party of looters be interested in oiling the hinges on the vault door?

But that isn’t what’s interesting here.

What’s interesting is, yet again, the Dog that Didn’t Bark in the Night.

What BoBo is NOT suggesting.

The farrago of moral decomposition and indefensibly wretched excess that is the woof and warp of the GOP has been allowed to metastasize to such a scope and scale and worm into the belly of the body politic to a deeper level than the likes of Jim Wright and Dan Rostenkowski ever fucking dreamed of for one reason.

Because your criminals hide behind Christ, Bobo.

It is no accident that shoulder-to-shoulder with a mob-wannabe thug like Abramoff stood pillars of the Christian Right like Tom DeLay and Ralph “Satan’s Babyfaced Fingerfood” Reed.

In the past, Democrats -- like anyone else -- can and have become corrupt, and can and have been punished for it.

Severely.

The thing that makes the Republican Party different is not the rot in their hearts – which is capacious – and their seething hatred of the Brown Poor – which they rationalize away into the mists of market theory.

No what makes them worse – lethally worse – is their Fundamentalist Ideology.

Period.


Because when you are lining your pockets with House postage stamps, you’re just a crook and we’re all sinners here. But when you believe that God Has Chosen Your Party…you can justify any excesses.

When you have grown besotted on the grotesque perversion of the teachings of Jesus that is Conservative Christian Fundamentalism – when you cast yourself as the righteous Christian Soldiers at war with the Evil Liberal Humanists – then all things are permitted.

When you wrap your dick in the Flag and the Bible, then you can fuck anyone and anything any way you like because you believe that God is on your side.

You can justify an illegal war.

You can justify torture.

You can justify murder.

You can justify shredding the Constitution.

You can justify demanding your fucktard superstition trump science.

You can justify impeaching my President for trivia and letting your President skate over treason.

You can justify blaming Columbine on condoms and teaching evolution.

You can justify bombing Family Planning Clinics.

You can justify lynching.

You can justify blaming 9/11 on gays and feminists and the ACLU.

You can justify blaming hurricanes on liberals.

You can justify assassination.

You can justify calling liberal judges a greater threat to America than Nazis and terrorists.

You can justify turning women back into the reproductive chattel of men.

And having swallowed all of those camels, you certainly won’t strain at a few gnats like graft, corruption, extortion, blackmail and all the rest…because all of these things are simply means to the ends of the Greater Glory of the Prince of Peace!

And your Party is the one that is so fucking Blessed and Highly Favored in His eyes, right?

Mr. Brooks, these people are the problem and these people run your party. And what the fuck kind of congenital cerebral malfunction do you have that you cannot see that?

Because one cannot help but also notice the glaring omission from your shopping list. No mention made of that one reform that would actually, structurally alter the carcinoma-based DNA from which the Modern GOP has been bred.

And it’s so easy.

Just dump the bigots, Bobo.

And tell the racists to hit the fucking bricks.

Stop the clown car and kick the science-hating, gay-bashing Christopaths to the curb.

Oh, but then you’d lose, wouldn’t you?

That’s the real dirty little secret behind all of this.

You know that if you really, actually flushed the scum of the Earth your Southern Strategists have so carefully cultivated down the drain, the Republican Party wouldn’t win another election – anywhere – for another generation.

And your Party of God and Used Car Salemen cannot accept that, which is why you will always have Abramoffs and DeLays and Ralph Reeds hag-riding the GOP.

You know it and, more importantly, they know it, which is why they own you.

They are the emergent and inevitable result of the hate-driven moral absolutism, racism and pathologically perverted variant of Christianity that is the bedrock of the Modern GOP. And as long as they are allowed to remain as the pillar of your Party, it will always end in tears…

…and finding ten GOP powerbrokers hiding out from the FBI in Jack Abramoff’s GI tract.

64 comments:

US Blues said...

May I humbly suggest you send this corrective essay both to Mr. Brooks and to the editorial page of the useless bird-cage liner he writes in? For scientific purposes, an experiment if you will, in confronting the bullshit with venom and eloquence. Since Hunter isn't around to do it.

PwapVt said...

So well put drift.
Do send it to the nice people at the NYT, & Wapo too.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for capturing what I've been feeling for so long so eloquently.

Loveandlight said...

I third USB's motion! :-D

MAC said...

And when you send it in, could you quote that Bible saying about how it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to get through the eye of a needle, please?

Beautifully written!

Karen said...

Well, BoBo fell down that rabbit hole such a long while back that he's come to believe TweedleDum and TweedleDee are all one and same person - Our Commander in Chief. (hehehehe)

I sent him a query yet a while back:

"...who's supply you with your drugs of choice" that have clearly sent you careening down an Alice-in-Wonderland path where the normal reader just can not follow or care to take that tumble down the rabbit hole with you (however much fun you seem to be having down there.)

Please quit the mind-altering substances and join us here in the real world, talking about real things that have something to do with issues at hand and lay off the rot-gut "mondo-neo-Marxist" wino-juice you're regurgitating on the rest of us."


but apparently the "mondo-neo-Marxist" wino-juice has rotted his brain and soul. Too late to save the SOB - but we can laugh the Howlers he writes for FUN.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Drift-
Have you sent this yet?

Friendly Fire said...

Powerful stuff as ever Driftglass, keep it up

BadTux said...

Amen, Brother Driftglass. Preach it, brother, preach it!

- Badtux the Appreciative Penguin

isabelita said...

YES!! Touchdown, extra points, game set and match to you, Mr. Driftglass!!! DO send this to that lobotomized sycophant Brooks. I think all his purported outrage is fake, I think he's trying to distance himself from the dirtiest of the filthy Repub money.
Yes, to all you have said, and to which I can only add: They cheat. They're cheating good ole boys who will NEVER play fair, because they know they can't win unless they cheat. It's bidness, boys, and they don't see any need to play by any rules whatsoever.

Blue Shark said...

...I humbly submit that it was I who emailed David Brooks with reams of evidence of the theft of not just the 2004 election but the theft of 2002, and 2000 that has so unhinged him that he now "gets it". Either that or those pictures of him and the rectal hampster finally reached his office.

...BTW Drift...we are never going to get anywhere if you keep holding back.

...Well Done.

An Angry Old Broad said...

This needs to be seen everywhere.Again,Drifty,your master craftsmanship with words is a beauty to behild.

Brian Miller said...

Amazing, drifty. My biggest fear is that the Democratic Party is so bereft of ideas and vision that they will provide no alternative to the kleptocracy. Plus, I wonder if we as a people are so devoted to our comfortable lives that we are unwilling to rock the boat. It is not The Republican Party alone, it is, to a certain extent, all of us.

Anonymous said...

If one dropped Bobo from 100 feet high into a tank full of rusty barbed-wire, broken, strychnine-limned glass, 20,000 ginsu blades, a school of syphillitic piranhas, a dump-truck load of Keith Richards' previously used hypodermic needles and topped it all off with several hundred gallons of salt-water brine, that would not come close to cutting him up the way you did with this dead-the-f*ck-on post, Drift.

A master of the art of wielding the blue-edged straight- razor of words.

Keep a' cuttin!
LowerMannhattanite

justme said...

Awesome.

And if you can justify that, this is hardly a stretch.

''The signing statement is saying 'I will only comply with this law when I want to, and if something arises in the war on terrorism where I think it's important to torture or engage in cruel, inhuman, and degrading conduct, I have the authority to do so and nothing in this law is going to stop me,' " he said. ''They don't want to come out and say it directly because it doesn't sound very nice, but it's unmistakable to anyone who has been following what's going on."

Wow.

Anonymous said...

Great piece, drifty, thx!

Sometimes the truth is so amazing, so overwhelming, I cannot really fault people for not accepting it. That's regular people; reporters and columnists get no such break. They should make an honest attempt to find out what's really going on or STFU.

WhattheH said...

Brilliant as usual. Keep it up. You're blog is a daily fix for me these days.

BitterHarvest said...

Hah haaa! The old Driftglass is back!

Tanbark said...

"....were tweezed out of Dirty Jack's colon..."


Bite, Drift, bite! :) :) :)

(Write, Drift, Write!:) )

frank said...

Drifty- A joy as always. I'm picturing BoBo strapped in a chair with his eyelids propped open Clockwork Orange style to force him to read this.

anna missed said...

.
And Bobo says, what, huh? In his ever so special "deer in the headlights" sort of way, as believable as a serial arsonist who returns to a fire he started, to be interviewed on TV expressing his utter outrage, that someone would do this.

Anonymous said...

So the sudden GOP interest in "gittin' right" with the ethics god can be termed Reform Kabuki?

parsec

Gaias-child said...

Sweet DG, just sweet.

Eric P. said...

Excepting a complete purge of the GOP leadership, these asswipes (repubs and sycophant journalists) have three more years to scale to even greater heights in the art of lowness.
Brooks' mea gulpa rings pretty friggin' hollow. I agree with the earlier post that Brooks is trying distance himself from the glaring arrogance and mean spitited self-righteousness of our so-called leaders by fighting hypocrisy with hypocrisy. Good luck Brooksie.
Hopefully the influence of the hateful christofundies will diminish - it is hard to believe so many people in this country can continue to be so painfully and willingly ignorant.

driftglass said...

Hello one and add & thank you VERY kindly for the nice words.

I'm not playing coy getting back to this so late: it's just my schedule right now. Kicking my pasty ass it is, and when I get back to the castle well after sunset I generally faceplant on a pillow full of good bloggy intentions and then, in the next moment, the alarm is singing my praises and a cat feigning starvation is chewing on my toe.

Then back in the starter's block for another day...like right now.

As to getting this to Brooksie, my understanding is that non-truename-email does not get any attention from media orgs, which kinda constrains my range of motion. I'll happily give it a shot, but I expect nothing.

OTOH, I do know that at least one reader has passed along the link to this site to Our Mr. Brooks, advising him to read and grow.

Which is nice.

OK, off to the dilithium ore refining base to make my daily bread.

US Blues said...

OK, off to the dilithium ore refining base to make my daily bread.

I trust you have your asbestos and lead boxers on!

skunqesh said...

'they' say, true writers are those who cannot NOT write.

DG, yer as prolific as they come.

Like an atomic powered HST & R Steadman rolled into one. It is both a blessing and a curse perhaps?

(ps - I always thought you were more of a Nerf Herder than a miner)

Anonymous said...

nice post dude.

i never read bone head, because he brings out the kind of rage you so eloquently depicted.

thanx for putt'n words to the emotions. too bad your diatribe is so factually based vs. mr. asshats feeble ramblings.

charley

Web Monger said...

Wow, the fine art of invective lives --nice post.

MAC said...

DG: I heard Bobo on the NewsHour this year talking about how he knew there were blogs with lots of opinions about him, so perhaps he followed your reader's advice and checked you out. Unlikely, considering his lack of backbone... but possible.

Loveandlight said...

When I imagine Bobo reading Drifty commenting on Bobo, I hear Bobo in a prissy C3PO voice complaining, "Oh, such a beastly, foul-mouthed man! Good Heavens! I think I shall faint!"

Anonymous said...

word

jurassicpork said...

And DeLay is what he is too; a moral dumpster-fire that’s been burning and filling the political air with toxins for twenty year.

Perhaps the best line you've ever pulled off, my friend. And the fucking Jack pictures are priceless. Did you hear what Jon Stewart said about his mob outfit on TDS the other day?

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