The Secret Life of Walter MAGA*

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Republican voters -- the ones that voted for Trump three times -- are an amalgam of stupidity, laziness, racism and bull goose looney crazy.  But however unencumbered by rational thought or an intact moral framework they may be, MAGA Republicans are like us in one respect.

They have imaginations, even as you and I have.  

But through the lens of their imagination, they see an entirely different world than you and I, and they see their place in that world as something wildly different than what it actually is.

In their world, everything is secretly ruled by Harvard faculty lounges are filled with sneering know-it-alls whose demeanor is somewhere between the Monopoly Man and Professor Barbay from Back to School.  Between rigging elections and conspiring with Canada to put the price of eggs out of reach of the Common Man, they spend their days exchanging snooty bon mots -- probably in some dead language like Latin or the King's English -- about how so much better they are than Real Murricans, and cackling about how they have turned generations of young people into buzzword spewing, woke zombies.  

The blueblood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of patriotism is drowned by PhD-led mobs chanting "DEI" and "CRT".

And against this horde bent on overthrowing all that is white, Conservative, Christian and male good and righteous about Murrica -- outnumbered and practically alone like the Spartans at the Hot Gates, and led by the Greatest Preznit Ever. -- stands the thin, red line of MAGA.   And because they are the loyal soldiers in Trumps MAGA army, they and they alone are privy to Trump's intricate and glorious secret plans that he cleverly camouflages behind bluster, faux dementia, ALL CAPS Tweets and seemingly random (but brilliantly strategic!) reversals.    

In this titanic struggle between the forces of Good and Evil, civilization itself hangs in the balance, which is why no quarter can be given and no compromise offered.

The problem with all of that is not just that it's all bullshit, it's that it's all such laughably stupid bullshit.  

I mean, seriously, have you ever asked yourself how fuck the denizens of Sisterfuck, Arkansas came to believe themselves to be such experts in what goes on behind closed doors at institutions they have never visited?  

Do they subscribe to the Harvard Crimson for all the hot goss?  

The Harvard Gazette?  Harvard Magazine?  Colloquy?  The Gamut?  The Lampoon?  

Are they keeping current with the "In The Community" blog which, side note, unlike this blog, has not been updated since March, 2024 (probably too busy disparaging Real Murrcans to bother with it.)

How exactly did these simpletons come to believe the laughably stupid bullshit they so fervently believe?

Republicans Are Obsessed With the Elite Institutions They Want to Destroy 

Well, if you've been paying even the slightest attention to every level of Conservative media, from the elite to the gutter, for the past 50 years, you wouldn't ask such silly questions, because the denizens of Sisterfuck, Arkansas have been marinating in this toxic bullshit for at least a couple of generations now.

A few recent examples:

New York Post, Jan. 11, 2025:  "How the rise of woke ‘educrats’ is destroying higher education."

Senator Eric Schmitt, Ingraham Angle, April 24, 2025: "Harvard and Columbia are the 'wokest of the woke."

 Fox News, January 11, 2023:  "Ungar-Sargon [laughably misrepresented as a 'Left-wing journalist']  observed that wealthy liberals call working class people 'racist' for 'not voting for the interests of the elites'; calls out 'woke politics' as sham for rich elites to wage 'class war'"

Bill Maher: "There is a rot, and it comes from academia"

Fox News, May 02, 2025:  "Elite universities have lost their way, author argues.  Author Asra Nomani discusses how state schools could be surpassing elite universities on ‘The Bottom Line.’"

Fox News, June 9, 2021:  "Too 'woke' to work? Magazine editor says elite universities 'damaging' students."

Fox News, January 12, 2023:  "PETE HEGSETH: Elites at this Ivy League institution are trying to erase history with woke ideology.  The call to remove a former Princeton president's statue from campus is 'antithetical to history'."

Sean Hannity, April 17, 2025:  "Comedian says Democrats are now the party of ‘coddled college kids,’ elites who have the ‘luxury of getting offended’"

Comedian Tim Dillon discusses his Netflix special and his pushback against ‘woke-ism’ on ‘Hannity.’

Rep. Ashley Hinson and Senator Tom Cotton on Fox News, December 27, 2022: "What Biden's woke military has wrought"

Fox News, March 27, 2025  "Top California university just ‘failed the woke test,’ says Amy Reichert"

And who the fuck is Amy Reichert?  She writes "comfort fiction".  Author of several books about food, love, and Wisconsin like The Coincidence of Coconut Cake and Love Luck and Lemon Pie.

Continuing...

Tucker Carlson, December 1, 2020:  "Elites are using identity politics to preserve class system."

Fox News: May 5, 2025:  "Linda McMahon blasts Harvard in scathing letter telling elite university it will no longer get federal grants.  McMahon says Harvard has 'made a mockery' of higher education in America"

Newsmax, February 14, 2024:  "Thanks to Woke Agendas, Real Education Plummets"

Bill O'Reilly to Newsmax, November 29, 2024: "Stop Attending, Supporting 'Woke' Colleges." 

Newsmax, March 29, 2024:  "Have Elite Colleges Produced Amoral, Condescending Authoritarians?"

Newsmax, March 29, 2024:  "Get Rid of Woke by Understanding Its Root Causes."

‘Woke, Inc.’: A conversation with Vivek Ramaswamy, American Enterprise Institute.

Newsmax, September 20, 2023:  "Consumers Rise Up Against Woke Agendas"

The Fillmore County Journal ("Where Local Comes First!") May 18, 2020  Letter to the Editor: "Why the left hates America and Trump?"

That letter ends as follows

 "In any election, the overriding consideration in voting should be the political ideologies associated with candidates and the direction America should take. Is it:

a. American Conservatism, promoted by Republicans and founded on Biblical/Christian principles that have resulted in the greatest country to have ever existed? Or,

b. Democratic Socialism, based on godless Marxism that has resulted in catastrophic failure with over 100 million people murdered by their governments in the 20 th century alone, with millions more living in poverty and misery whenever and wherever it’s been tried? Venezuela is a current example.

Gerald J. Boyum,  Rochester, Minn.

Continuing... 

One American News Network, "Woke Indoctrination At Top U.S. Universities"

And, inevitably:

David Brooks, June 6, 2024:  "The Sins of the Educated Class"

So, having been shaped into a raging, brain-dead fascist mob of Walter MAGAs by decades of propaganda that would've made "Tail-Gunner" Joe McCarthy blush, what oh what is to be done about it?

Not to worry!  Because, as I am sure you have noticed, every time the Right cranks the crazy up another few degrees, an army of Centrist, legacy-media Tone Police springs into action to [checks notes] loudly remind us dirty hippies that we are required to be the grownups here, so we'd damn well better watch our fucking language or we'll just make the situation worse. 

Because as Donald Trump as shown, bullies definitely respond favorably to civility and the calm, open hand of friendship.  

However, even as we are told that our assigned role in this madhouse is to always take high road and turn the other cheek, we are also told that, as we are turning our cheeks up there on the high road, we must also "be authentic" and "speak like normal people".  

In roller skates.  

One one leg.  

Backwards.  

And not in any way that might, y'know, offend that raging, brain-dead fascist mob of Walter MAGAs.

Comes Now The Tone Police

The World Was Never Meant for One as Histrionic as You: A Tom Nichols Adventure And More!

The Triumphant Return of the Tone Police: David Frum Edition

Worshiping a Dying God With David Brooks

If this all sounds familiar, it should.  It's a variation the same grotesque alibi defenders of sexual predators have been using for millennia.  You know the one.  Since it is universally accepted that men are animals who have no control over what they say or do, women must bear the responsibility for not tempting them.  Women must pay close attention to how they dress.  Women must self-police where they go and how they talk.  Because one bare ankle or misspoken word can drive a man to sexual violence.  

Since it is universally accepted that +70 million Walter MAGAs have no control over what they say or do, the Left must bear the responsibility for driving them to vote for a lying, racist, openly-fascist sexual predator who led a violent coup against the government of the United States, who promised to pardon the traitors who tried to overthrow the government, who was impeached twice, was credibly accused of serious federal and state crimes in multiple jurisdictions and is now a multiply-convicted felon. 

Three times.

Ergo, the only antidote to a regime of fascists and lunatics lying with impunity from the highest offices in the land --

-- is to demand that we Liberals self-police where we go and how we talk.

Because one misplaced "fuck" or one third-hand account of some snooty professor on some college campus somewhere saying "Intersectionality" may be all it takes for Walter MAGA to kill our democracy once and for all, then dance on its grave and believe himself a hero for doing it.  

I Am The Liberal Media

*In case you are unfamiliar with the 1939 James Thurber short story, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty":

The short story deals with a vague and mild-mannered man who drives into Waterbury, Connecticut, with his wife for their regular weekly shopping and his wife's visit to the beauty parlor. During this time he has five heroic daydream episodes, each inspired by some detail of his mundane surroundings.