How To Rewrite a Stupid CNN Story

Here is an excerpt from CNN's hot take on how Democrats are failing Murrica, because it's against corporate policy to call stupid people "stupid" or lazy people "lazy".  Via Raw Story:

'Are you kidding?' Stunned CNN expert scolds Dems as Trump soars despite turmoil

The polls are in, and Americans have a clear favorite party to handle the economy. CNN Chief Data Analyst Harry Enten is asking how, after the first four months of the Trump presidency, are Democrats not polling better?

“You would think after all of the waves, after the last few months, the first four months of the Donald Trump presidency, you'd expect that Democrats would have this massive lead on the economy," he said.

"It ain't so. It ain't so.”...

He added, “How is that possible? After all the recession fears, after the stock market's been doing all of this, after all the tariffs that Americans are against, and Republicans still hold an eight-point lead on the economy. Are you kidding me?”

“What do we see here?” Enten asked rhetorically, “Party with a better economic plan. Well, in May of 2024, just before Donald Trump was reelected president, Republicans had a nine-point advantage. Look at where we are now. In May of 2025, the advantage actually went up by three points.”

“Now, Republicans have a 12-point advantage when it comes to the party with a better economic plan,” Enten said, “And again, this is after months of economic uncertainty in which the stock market's been going bonkers, in which the tariff wars that Americans are against have been going on, and yet, despite all of that, the Democrats are down by 12 points on the economy.”

Enten added, “This speaks to Democratic problems on the economy better than basically anything that you could possibly look at.”

Now, let's keep the stats exactly the same, but redraft the story so that it allocates responsibility for those statistics correctly.  Note:  I asked a local AI down at the bar to help expedite this process, but I also threw in a few typos just to keep it real.

The Economy Is a Mess, and Voters Keep Rewarding the Arsonists

It's waaaay long past time to stop blaming “Washington” or “the system” or "Congress" or "polarization" or "tribalism" or "Both Sides", and start pointing fingers where they belong. If you’re wondering how we ended up here — with economic instability, a stock market on a roller coaster, and reckless trade wars, the government in shambles  and American democracy on the brink of extinction — the answer isn’t the Liberal Media Conspiracy, or Harvard speech codes. or any other mysterious elite cabal. It’s Republican voters, so-called Centrists, and a legacy media that spoon-feeds them oversimplified glop.

Let’s look at the facts.

In November 2023, Republicans had an 11-point advantage on the question of which party was closest to voters' economic views. That’s staggering, considering the party had spent years stoking fears of inflation, pushing anti-labor policies, and championing tariffs — which are nothing more than a tax on American consumers.

Fast-forward to May 2024, right before Donald Trump was re-elected, and that gap was still nine points. Now, in May 2025, after a full year of escalating tariff wars, erratic markets, and even more corporate handouts under GOP control, the Republican lead on economic trust has actually grown to 12 points.

That’s right. Twelve. Fucking.  Points. After more chaos. More volatility. More evidence.  This isn’t just a failure of memory. It’s a failure of basic civic hygiene.

Let’s start with Republican voters, who continue to support a party that governs like a 1,000 drunk chimps with chainsaws. They cheer for tax cuts that benefit billionaires, shrug at exploding deficits, and pretend not to notice when their own cost of living goes up. Why? Because they're addicted to grievance politics and Conservative media propaganda, not policy outcomes.

Next up are the fucking Centrists — the self-proclaimed “moderates” who fetishize  bipartisanship as an end in itself. These are the voters who insist “Both Sides Do It” while conspicuously ignoring the fact that one side has completely abandoned economic sanity. Their intellectual laziness keeps giving cover to a party that breaks things, then blames the rubble on someone else.

And finally, the legacy media, which continues to treat Republican economic talking points as if they exist in a vacuum. Reporters chase shiny nonsense, drama, and "balance" instead of digging into the real-world effects of policy. When one party shovels mutually contradicting Republican lies about tariffs being good for American jobs, or maybe tariffs will make us all rich, or maybe tariffs are really just a negotiating tactic, and the press uncritically parrots that message in the name of objectivity, they’re not reporting — they’re enabling.

So here we are: a 12-point Republican lead on the economy, in the middle of economic uncertainty they helped create.

Yes, Democrats could do better, but couldn't we all?  Democrats sometimes fail to celebrate their economic wins, or get too jargony, and they have no megaphone big enough to out-shout Fox News lies.  But the problem goes much deeper than messaging. It’s about a voter base that’s uninterested in anything but empty slogans, a political center that refuses to take a stand, and a media establishment that chases spectacle over substance.

This isn’t just a bad cycle. It’s a civic collapse in slow motion — driven by people who should know better, but clearly don’t care to.

I Am The Liberal Media