Friday, May 14, 2021

100 Inconsequential Ex-Republican's Bold Plan To Virtue Signal The GOP Out of Existence

The rumors are TRUE!

SALVATION is at hand!

And if you ACT NOW, you too may be able to get in on the GROUND FLOOR of an EXCITING NEW MOVEMENT that will almost certainly never leave the GROUND FLOOR.

Tear up your No Labels day-planners, citizen!  Trash your Problem Solver Caucus perks card and toss your Purple Project lapel pin back into the fires from which it was forged because the NEXT BIG THING in disgruntled former Republican virtue signaling is very nearly here!

It's called “A Call for American Renewal" and you may have already read about it, repeatedly, in every single newspaper in America!

This is from an article in the famous American newspaper, The Washington Post!

Opinion: The GOP has lost its way. Fellow Americans, join our new alliance.

Opinion by Charlie Dent, Mary Peters, Denver Riggleman, Michael Steele and Christine Todd Whitman 

The Republican Party made a grievous error this week in ousting Rep. Liz Cheney (Wyo.) from the House leadership for telling the truth about Donald Trump’s “big lie,” which has wreaked havoc in our democratic republic by casting doubt over the 2020 election.

Cheney rightfully struck back against party leaders and warned about the GOP’s dangerous direction. She is not alone.

Alongside dozens of prominent Republicans, ex-Republicans and independents, we are announcing “A Call for American Renewal,” a nationwide rallying cry against extremist elements within the GOP, and highlighting the urgent need for a new, common-sense coalition.

And this is from another article, also in the famous American newspaper, The Washington Post!

Opinion: 100 Republicans are threatening a GOP ‘civil war.’ Here’s why that’s good news.

The news that a group of Republicans is threatening to start a third party if the GOP continues its headlong plunge into authoritarianism is already provoking savvy eye-rolls. After all, very few elected Republicans — if any — will find this effort a cause for even the slightest discomfort.

Indeed, it would be extraordinarily surprising if it gains any serious traction among GOP voters, or if any current GOP elected officials join it.

But it’s good news nonetheless. And it arguably should be taken as such even by liberals and progressives who understandably view the prospect of a pro-democracy center right with deep skepticism...

And this is from yet another article published in between those other two articles, also in that famous American newspaper, The Washington Post!

Opinion: The stampede away from the GOP begins

...But for all her gusto and courage, Cheney might simply be a victim of wishful thinking that there is a Republican Party to be rescued. The chance that non-MAGA Republicans will constitute a majority of the House or Senate Republican membership is virtually nonexistent. The more realistic option — from the point of view of pro-democracy, pro-sanity Americans in the center right — may be to flee the party.

That’s where a new group of challengers to the GOP comes in. On Thursday, 150 former governors, members of Congress, Cabinet officials, senior administration officials, strategists and grass-roots leaders issued their own declaration of independence with an explicit threat to leave the party if the GOP does not abandon the MAGA mentality. In a document titled, “A Call to American Renewal"...

And this new-new-new-new Center Right not-a-party-but-we-do-take-Venmo "stampede" has EVERYTHING!   

Does your current Center Right boutique Third Way thingie have only ONE failed, one-term Republican congressperson?  Well brother, once we get David Jolly to sign on, we'll have TWO of 'em! 

To those of you who have been asking, "Hey, WTF ever happened to Anthony Scaramucci?", look no further because we've gt him too!

Do we have Mark "Appalachian Trail" Sanford?

Yes we do!

Do we have Airport Body Scanner Huckster, Michael "Skeletor" Chertoff?

Yes we do!

And don't worry, we've managed to nail down Rush Limbaugh's former valet and MSNBC's in-house Republican Revisionist, Michael Steele, as well.

Do we have the mortal remains of Bill O'Reilly?   Well, not exactly.  But we do have William F.B. O'Reilly who, we are told, is "an opinion columnist and Republican political consultant from Mt. Kisco, New York."  

And Republican-Turned-Democrat-Until-Something-More-Upscale-Comes-Along Wayne Gilchrest?

Yep.

Stop!  It's almost too much!  Next thing you'll be telling me that you've gotten Lincoln Lad grifter, Mr. Kellyanne Conway himself, George Conway, to sign on.

This is me, nodding vigorously!

And Ms. Jennifer "Ran Twice/Lost Twice and Now Fronts For The Lincoln Lads" Horn?

Damn right!

Sure.  Sell me the moon and stars.  And I suppose you got Mr. Evan "0.53% of the popular vote" McMullin?

Got him?  Hell, he's our funky QB!  

We also scored most of the Lincoln Project crew.  Well, most of the ones who haven't quietly slipped out the side door and changed their Twitter bio.  And most of The Bulwark regulars.   And while you might remember Rick Lazio as the bug-splat on the windshield of Hillary Clinton's 2000 Senate run -- the guy who thought it would be a great idea to stomp across the stage and try to intimidate her...we know him as a co-signatory of our Open Letter!   Plus we have a number of folks splitting their time between our VERY IMPORTANT MOVEMENT and their own VERY IMPORTANT MOVEMENTS.  And, of course, we have just the right number of lawyers.

We understand that since the GOP is an imminent and extinction-level threat to our country, and since over 74 million Republican meatheads and racists came out in support of Donald Trump in 2020 after he had compiled an unmatched record of death, ruin, corruption and open contempt for democracy, you may be thinking that the best option for stopping this mob of berserkers it to give your time and energy to the only other viable political party in America -- the sane Democratic party that runs on issues that are very popular with most Americans, that beat Trump and took back the Senate in 2020, and took back the House in 2018 -- rather than throw in with a handful of out-of-work pols, media flaks and glorified podcasters join our AWESOME A-TEAM OF LIBERTY SUPERSTARS 

Well maybe that's because you haven't heard our AWESOME List of Thirteen Principles yet!  So prepare to be BLOWN AWAY because here they are!

1. Democracy

2. Founding Ideals

3. Constitutional Order

4. Truth

5. Rule of Law

6. Ethical Government

7. Pluralism

8. Civic Responsibility

9. Opportunity

10. Free Speech

11. Conservation

12. Common Defense & Welfare

13. Leadership

Now you may be asking yourself, "Wait a minute, are you saying that your principles set you distinctly apart from Democrats, because Democrats don't believe things like in 'Truth' or 'Democracy' or 'Civic Responsibility'?"

Of course not!

Sure, we all know that, just under the surface, Democrats are a zombie army of woke Socialist moochers just waiting to seize control of every aspect of your life from cradle to grave, but we are definitely NOT saying that, in their own, warped way, Democrats haven't convinced themselves that they sorta, kinda believe in Truth' and 'Democracy' and 'Civic Responsibility'.

What we ARE saying is that, if you break out your GOP Decoder Ring  and read the fine print, you'll find that we are members on good standing in the Holy Church of Both Siderism -- 

and [we] reject populism and illiberalism, whether of the right or the left.

-- and that we remain faithful to the wisdom of Unfettered Capitalism, Cutting Taxes, Gutting Regulations, Increasing Spending on the Military, Gutting Social Programs as handed down to us by Saint Ronald Reagan ...all while giving you ideological cover by agreeing that government should probably at least pay lip service to the idea of helping the most pathetic and needy.

 So ACT NOW...before we pull up stakes, move on and form the NEXT, NEXT BIG CENTER-RIGHT THING.



Burn The Lifeboats


6 comments:

duquesne_pdx said...

"Plus we have a number of folks splitting their time between our VERY IMPORTANT MOVEMENT and their own VERY IMPORTANT MOVEMENT"

Fiber is the key.

bill said...

I've lost count. How many re-brandings does this make since Nixon shit the bed? How many since RWR flipped the GOP into the POG (Party of God) and ushered us into this Orwellian Opposite World?
Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Stone, Liddy, DeLay, Gingrich, Atwater, Rove, Ashcroft, Gonzalez, Card, Bolten, Wolfowitz, Brownie, Addington, Feith, Bolton, Schlozman, Griles, Kristol... the list of third-rate thinkers and first-rate assholes is endless.

P.S> Have you noticed that MoJo is once again droning about his conservative bona fides?

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding alarmist, I admit to some worry; not that this new-new-new "center-right" GOP movement will draw a lot of Republican voters, but that it will draw disaffected Democratic-leaning voters who don't follow US politics deeply and can be swayed by savvy advo.

Flame away, I'm wearing asbestos.

dinthebeast said...

Holy fuck, even their lifeboats have lifeboats.
And Charlie Dent, Mary Peters, Denver Riggleman, Michael Steele and Christine Todd Whitman? That's your A team? Imagine the mentality of the followers they are likely to attract.

-Doug in Sugar Pine

Neo Tuxedo said...

you might remember Rick Lazio as the bug-splat on the windshield of Hillary Clinton's 2000 Senate run

I remember Bartcop (GNU) coining him "Rick the Lick" and depicting him as a dropped ice-cream cone which then got stomped on by feet in high-heeled sneakers.

Robt said...

If your re presenting a possible choice between Hannity or Limbaugh.

A more believable lie or liar over a more blatant unbelievable lie and liar.

Which either one will legislate the same Hateful way.?

I must politely request another option.

Like Captain Kirk, I don't indulge in no win scenarios.

I mean Jared and Donald gave us peace for Israel in the short 4 years they had around their golfing time.
Doesn't Israel look so peaceful when you look at it today.