The election was drawing nigh -- Where had the time gone! -- and he had yet to cash in on the Magic Ruralism (tm) fad that had fattened the wallets and resumes of so many other Beltway media hacks who had decamped from New York and D.C. to the godforsaken interior of the continent to root through godforsaken small town diners to find that perfect, weirdo Trump voter. The One who could be amplified into a stand-in for the Many, and whose unguarded love of Donald Trump would seem to unlock the mystery behind what the fuck had just happened for those smartass, know-it-all Liberals in their decadent coastal enclaves.
Problem: Bret Stephens has no interest whatsoever in leaving the cozy confines of his own decadent coastal enclave to find such a weirdo. God, why does life have to be so hard for Bret Stephens!
Solution: Bret Stephens lives in New York City! Yay! And nearly eight and a half million people live in New York City, so surely, with absolutely minimal effort, Bret could find one freakish outlier around whom he could build a column full of Insightful Insights into our Parlous Times!
Quick, to the cab stand!
To the first cabbie he saw, Stephens said, "Cabbie, take me to the cab stand where Tom Friedman finds all those wonderful cab drivers who say just exactly what Tom Friedman wants them to say!"
The cabbie, replied, "Sorry, sir. It is well known among all cab drivers that such cab stands exist only in Davos and Egypt and Paris."
As was his right as a member of the upper class, Stephens beat the man severely for giving him an answer which displeased him and moved on down the line.
To the next cabbie he saw Stephens said, "Cabbie, take me to the cab stand where Peggy Noonan finds all those wonderful cab drivers who say just exactly what Peggy Noonan wants them to say!"
Seeing what had just happened to the first cabbie, the second cabbie said, "Right away, sir!" and off they sped.
The cabbie radioed his dispatcher that they needed an "ID-Ten-T with Dijon" which is cabbie code for "I have a pundit in need of a quote. Looks like a cheap fucker. Anyone up for it?"
Several answered. The cabbie chose the nearest volunteer, and they arrived at that location moments later.
Stephen's leaped from the cab. He could feel his time running out.
Stephens said, "Is this the cab stand where Peggy Noonan finds all those wonderful cab drivers who say just exactly what Peggy Noonan wants them to say!"
The leader of the cabbies, a tall, sharp-eyed woman dressed in the manner of her profession, stepped forward.
"Obviously, in the interest of confidentiality we can neither confirm nor deny this," she said. "But we can get you where you are going, if you understand my meaning."
Stephens said that he understood and explained his problem to the cabbie chieftain.
"Yes," she answered, "I know of just such a person. A woman named Chris. She will give you what you seek. I will take you to her."
Stephens practically wept at the news. He was so moved that he took out his change purse, unclasped it, and gave each of the cabbies a shiny, new quarter-dollar for their help, and hang the expense!
And the thing is, the cabbie actually did know such a person who, with minimal prompting, would definitely give Bret Stephens exactly what he was looking for. A woman named Chris who the cabbie chieftain knew because she had broken up with her in 2017 because Chris was a selfish asshole.
You see, except for the fact that she is a lesbian...
Meet a Secret Trump Voter‘Being a lesbian who’s voting for Trump is like coming out of the closet again.’
...there is nothing remarkable about "Chris" at all.
She's just another Trump voter who Bret Stephens desperately wants to embiggen into Something Of Importance:
...But if Trump defies current polling and wins again, it’ll be thanks to a discreet base of support from voters like Chris, who fit into none of the cultural or demographic stereotypes of the Trump base.It’s worth understanding where she’s coming from.
Chris claims to have:
...voted for candidates of both parties over the years and was enthusiastic for Bernie Sanders in 2016.
And yet Chris is only interested in the price of gas, that her health insurance is paid for by someone else and where her 401k is headed.
Chris is also sick of homeless people cluttering up her neighborhood.
Also:
"I don’t care about Afghanistan and the Middle East. "
Has Trump lied about the pandemic?
“Yeah. But when this first started, the news media was saying that millions of people were going to die. And look at it: 200,000, compared to the population.”
Pussy grabbing?
“Didn’t bother me at all. For every cad out there, there’s equally a gold digger who will let you do it.”
Going to war against the free press?
“These days, yeah. Whenever I read a front-page story and I get to a disparaging adjective, I stop reading.”
The Kavanaugh nomination?
“I didn’t believe Christine Blasey Ford for one second. Her lack of recollection; the fact that nobody could [contemporaneously] corroborate her account.”
Trump being Putin's finger-puppet?
“The Clintons’ fingerprints are all over [Trump/Russia]. I’m really glad we have Bill Barr as A.G. to look into it.”
Trump being, y'know, crazy:
“Everyone kowtows to Iran because they’re crazy. Now we have our own bit of crazy.”
Back in his own, private decadent enclave and with only moments to spare until the publishing deadline, Bret Stephens tries to end his deep dive into the mind of the Oldest Living Confederate Lesbian by sounding ominous:
If the Democratic Party and its allies can’t hold on to a voter like Chris, who else might they be losing?
But it doesn't sound ominous at all. In fact, it sounds awesome.
Because if the Democratic Party and its allies can’t hold on to selfish assholes like Chris, they are definitely doing something right.
No Half Measures
9 comments:
Bret Stephens is as terrible a fiction writer as he is a "writer". Or anything else, for that matter.
I am glad for him however that he's getting ~some~ kind of socialization in these times, even if it is wholly imaginary.
What was the line back in the GWB days..."I was a liberal until Chappaquiddick made me embrace fascism"?? or something like that?
Jesus, the concern troll column is like level 1 of conservative punditry and he can't even get that right
John Holbo. Always worth checking up with.
https://twitter.com/jholbo1/status/1310779517028331520
And his classic takedown of Conservatism. Dead Right 11/7/2003
https://examinedlife.typepad.com/johnbelle/2003/11/dead_right.html
I remember it as some form of "I used to be a liberal, but ever since 9/11, I'm outraged by Chappaquiddick".
I think Stevens was trying to plant the suggestion that because this woman is a lesbian book store manager something must have gone very wrong if Democrats hadn't won her ignorant, selfish, conspiracy theorist, heart. That's a little stereotypical and offensive to LGBTQ book store managers, Bret. But its the twist in this wimpy, bland, place mat of the story. Bret found a LGBTQ woman, who despite the fact that Democrats made it possible for her to have a public lesbian identity with legal safeguards and insurance, and RBG made it possible for her to have a credit card in her own name, is voting for Trump.
But moving on, what is always left out in this genre, (and its a huge bit of dishonesty), is how absolutely happy the interviewer was to get away from these people. Because who likes to hang out with ignorant, arrogant, and selfish Trump voters? Yet somehow Biden must cast a net to contain thoroughly unlikable Clinton conspiracy theorists if we really want to be the party of the salt of the earth.
1st debate
If I had been in a coma for the last 3 and a half years. Turned on the TV and watched the debate.
I would either start banging my head to go back into a coma or accept I died and sinned so bad somewhere that I was sent to purgatory.
"I used to be a liberal, but since 9/11 I'm outraged by Chappaquiddick."
We utterly believe you sir.
Really even for Bret this is pathetic.
The Times must be so proud.
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