Here are my tweets from tonight's Republican debate:
Wow. Christie tossing sand into the gears of the Marco-bot right off the bat.Tonight, the part Private Deadmeat who stands up at the end of the movie "'cause there ain't no sniper Sarge!" and takes one right to the melon was played by Marco Rubio.
This is bad. Rubio responds to Christie's charge that he is a windup toy incapable of anything except repeating memorized 25 word answers...by repeating the same 25 word memorized answer.
Rubio: I...am not...programmed...to answer...questions in...that...area.
Ted Cruz -- the neighbor who poisons puppies and then smirkingly lectures everyone on the block about why they had it coming.
And now we're going to let Conservative bloggers ask questions. Wheee!
Cruz comes out against Medicare. Wheeee!
Carson: We'll give people some money and let them fight it out for health care Thunderdome-style.
Bush comes out against limousines.
Trump: I feed on your hatred. Nourish me bitches!
Breaking: Suddenly the GOP cares about old people. Well, one old person. Baby steps Jeb(!)
Rubio: There are no problems that can be solved by paying to fix them.
Cruz: I will lure ISIS out into the open so that we can bomb them by bombing them until they come into the open.
Cruz: Carpet bombing doesn't mean carpet bombing. I won't just kill ISIS but super-duper-deathstroke-Ras-Al-Ghul kill them.
Rubio: I'm banking that none of the meatheads in this audience remembers anything that happened before 2009.
Trump: I will use the US air force to eminent domain the shit out of Iraq and turn a tidy profit in the process.
Carson: I've been talking about Libya for over 1000 years. Well, muttering angrily about it on the subway, but still.
Cruz: Waterboarding is not torture (sound of a table flipping over from Bill Kristol's sudden, giant Neocon war boner.)
Rubio: The idea that there are "rules" or "conventions" when it comes to making war is just some ridiculous shit the Kenyan Usurper made up.
I've seen this episode before. After this round, the music swells and The Virgin Mary Hamm awards one candidate a rose.
Bush: Flint Michigans for everybody!
Rubio: Benghaaaaaaaaaazi. Right, Carly. Carly? Carly? Anybody seen Carly?
Trump: I will repeal and replace black people.
Bizarro Rubio: Sure there are some good Christians, but we have to take apocalyptic Christians extremist groups seriously.
Rubio: The Air Force was founded in 1947, but Obama will leave it smaller than it was in 1916.
Bush: Don't worry, Martha. As a member of the Bush family I assure you, we will continue to avoid the draft at any cost.
Conservative Blogger Mary Katherine Hamm: Liberal media liars lie because they're lying liars. How can we explain that dumb millennials?
Rubio: Hillary Clinton grinds baby's bones to bake her bread. Her bread! Wake up sheeple!
Bush: I'm so pro-life I used a woman in a persistent vegetative state as a political human shield.
Christie: I don't care what the "facts" say, Planned Hillaryhood harvests baby parts for money. The X-Files is real people!
Rubio: New Hampshire! City by the bay!
Carson: I'd like to thank Balki, Mr. Roper, Scooby and Scrappy Doo, and all the Disney cows who have told me their secrets.
Cruz: I love the American people so much that every single person they have elected to federal office hates my living guts
Kasich: Holy crap, I'm still alive! Bwahahahaha!