10 Years After: 2008 -- An 1865 Fox News Alert

The 10th blogiversary fundraiser continues with the Hope and Change year of 2008.

In which we wonder how Fox News would have reported on Lincoln's Second Inaugural.

Fox News Alert: Lincoln Gives Crappy, Divisive Speech!


Lincoln Gives Crappy, Divisive Speech!

Here are the highlights…

Abraham Lincoln blames America for American Civil War.

“It’s always ‘Blame America First’ with these people,” says Fox News Commentator Jefferson Davis. “Obviously Abraham Hussein Lincoln does not love this country. And where was his flag pin?”

Abraham Hussein Lincoln finally forced to admit his own incompetence.

“Now that Abraham Hussein Lincoln has finally been forced to admit that – and this is a direct quote – ‘[I was so stupid and that I, Abraham Hussein Lincoln] didn’t expect the war to have] the magnitude or the duration which it has already attained’ we here at the Factor have to remind you secular humanists that, from the beginning, we told you that Abraham Hussein Lincoln was clearly not up to the task of leading a great nation.”

“Colonel” Bill O’Reilly, “The O’Reilly Factor for Rebs”

Abraham Hussein Lincoln blames Sweet Baby Jebus for his own failures.

“Of course we have come to expect the typical ‘Blame America First’ mantra from Abraham Hussein Lincoln and his minions,” says Radio Host Nathan Bedford Forrest. “But when this Abraham Hussein Lincoln stoops to mixing and mongrelizing his contempt for America with blaming Sweet Baby Jebus for his own failures – “God…gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came” – then we have to ask whether or not it isn’t time to remove this obvious traitor and God-hater from office? By force if necessary. And where is his God damned flag pin?”

Abraham Hussein Lincoln thinks recession is America’s/God’s fault.

“Some people say that anti-free-trade extremist Abraham Hussein Lincoln appeared to be drunk and disoriented when he blamed the Lord God Almighty for the recession and said that it will continue as long as God wants it to:

“If God wills that [the recession] continue until all the wealth [of] two hundred and fifty years…toil shall be sunk…’the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.’”

“Colonel” Neil Cavuto, “Good Morning Andersonville!”

Abraham Hussein Lincoln proposes radical new Universal Welfare State.

“With the fateful words ‘…with charity for all…’ which came near the end of his anti-American tirade, neo-Socialist Abraham Hussein Lincoln made clear his intention to radically change the direction of America and drag us into a Soviet-style Welfare State. Presumably enforced by Union rifles in the hands of his French allies, if Abraham Hussein Lincoln succeeds, the nation would lose forever freedom and democracy our founders fought and died for, and be plunged into a nightmare of gulags, show trials and state-controlled media where every detail of your life will dictated by Godless central planning committees.”

“Colonel” Brit Hume, “Fox News Sunday”

And finally

“Abraham Hussein Lincoln gave a speech today.

"Some people found it uplifting while others found it terrifying.

"I guess the controversy around Abraham Hussein Lincoln will continue.”

Signed,

Every Fucking Mainstream Media Outlet

The full text of Abraham Hussein Lincoln crappy, divisive is available below the fold:

AT this second appearing to take the oath of the Presidential office there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement somewhat in detail of a course to be pursued seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself, and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.

On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it, all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, urgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war—seeking to dissolve the Union and divide effects by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came.

One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was somehow the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union even by war, while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war the magnitude or the duration which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with or even before the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered. That of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. "Woe unto the world because of offenses; for it must needs be that offenses come, but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh." If we shall suppose that American slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said "the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether."

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.