The GOP/CNN Debate

Once again came down to a lively exchange among a group of people who clearly have no worries whatsoever that their declarative assertions regarding economics, politics, taxation, environmental policy, energy policy, foreign policy and the real words and deeds of the President of the United States do not interact with reality at any point.

Here it my record of the mess, in easy-to-mule-across-the-border Twitter form:

• OK, why is Michele Bachmann dressed like a villainess from an episode of The Avengers?


• Rick Santorum: the tax code should encourage human reproduction


• Cain: In Opportunity Zones, pizza delivery will be free


• Perry loves Herman Cain like the crazy black "brother" he never invited up to N*ggerhead.


• Herman Cain will tax new apples, but used oranges will be tax-free.


• Herman Cain: a loaf of bread builds strong taxes 12 ways!


• Overfed Texas teabaggers cheer for no income taxes. Texas Republicans love people who stand by their crazy.
  


• Mitt Romney is now the moderator. Another good American job taken away by Romney.


• Mitt Romney is worried that Herman Cain's apple-picking tax will make American energy privately unregulated. Or something


• Newt is gonna fundamentally basically complexify your taxes, but where does he stand on apples?


• Michele Bacmann advocating charging poor people one dollar to be Americans


• Perry: We need to get focused on stuff. Under our feet. In America.


• Perry: Murrica, 'nergy, 'nergy, 'nergy, Murrica!


• Santorum acknowledges the existence of Europe. This will doom him


• Moderator Mitt is mad that he is being treated like a mere participant.


• Santorum sucking up to Cain and sucker punching Mittens. Angling for Secretary of Uteruses under Pres. Cain,


• Newt: Riding with the top-down will shatter my wife's hair which will fundamentally basically destroy the space/time continuum.
  


• Bachmann: Oh! Oh! Mister Kotter! Call on me!


• Perry: My anti-immigration space platform will stop everyone from entering anything.


• Santorm: I will build a virtual electrified space platform around the uteri of loose, Godless women.


• As Anderson Cooper finally just gives up...


• Perry: Suck it, fashion boy.


• Bachmann proposes a border volleyball net to bounce anchor babies back to Mexico.


• Santorum: Won't someone think of the families!


• Newt proposes using science to solve a problem. This would doom him if he weren't already the walking dead.


• Ron Paul proposes letting the Invisible Hand of the Market fling nuclear waste into the sun.


• Mitt: Let the lowest bidder worry about what to do with nu-kew-lur waste.


• Mitt: "People in Washington" think they know better than my robot Wall Street army. Fools! We will destroy you!


• Bachmann implies that some people lose their jobs thru no fault of their own. This would doom her if she still had a pulse.


• Rom Paul implies that bankers might be evil. This would doom him if he weren't a hologram beamed in from Galt's Gulch.


• Mitt: we could waste our time going over stuff that happened in the past that makes me out a liar, no let's not do that


• Deficits? Fuck deficits!


• Under his suit, Anderson Cooper's mood t-shirt grows tighter and more v-necked.


• Santorum comes out strongly pro-Muslim.


• Newt comes out very strongly pro-Muslim.


• Perry demonstrates his faith by speaking in tongues. Very dumb tongues.


• Mittens comes out very strongly pro-Muslim.


• Bachmann: Iran disrespects us and the President is sending troops overseas. This is unprecedented!


• Bachmann: The President put us in Libya. Now hes put in Africa... Anyone want to loan Congreswoman a non-flat Earth Atlas?


• Newt is killing Santorum...with his mind


• Santorum: We cannot negotiate with terrorists. Support, create and fund them...yes, but not negotiate.


• Mittens: Foreign aid two elements -- fear, surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three! Three elements!


• Mittens: We will not pay soldiers more than their private sector equivalents. Oh. Wait.


• Paul: The poor people who pay no taxes are being taxed to send money to rich people abroad. What?


• Newt: Oh Lord, Forgive Reagan for Reagan said Reagan did not know what the fuck Reagan's people were doing on behalf of Reagan. Winning!


• The sound you heard was every other GOP candidate crapping their Reagan Underoos as Ron Paul broke Wingnut Rule Number One: saying ungoodthinkful things out loud. Things every Liberal knows and has been saying for years.
  


• Mittens: My advisers told me that "sporting" metaphors poll well


• Mittens: Mine's bigger. Perry: Naw it ain't. Mittens: Uh-huh Perry: Nuh-uh


• Cain: I cleaned parking lots. (Visible thought bubble -- Mittens turned American companies into parking lots.)


• Newt: My use of huge adverbs is fundamentally unparalleled. Basically.


• Bachmann: Someone left the cake out in the rain...of crazy.

And now they belong to the ages.