Only Blago

Can Go To Washington.

Dear Illinois Republicans,

I know that in the upcoming race for the United States Senate, it is tempting to revert to old political habits and just panic-run the first gun-strokin', Bible-smackin', science-hatin', gay-fearin', commie-screamin' ambulatory freak show to amble down the pike. (Like, say, this steaming bucket of "break-glass-in-case-the-other-side-runs-a-black-guy" batshit nuts

you dumped on the voters of Illinois last time.)

But if you have had enough of being humiliated by your own stupidity on election day and yet still can't bring yourself to support a "moderate" because he voted on an energy policy in a way that that angried up your anti-Gummint blood, then it's time to consider giving Blago a serious look.

Think about it.

First of all, let's face it, there really isn't much left of the Party of Lincoln but a reflexive impulse to cut taxes for rich people rain or shine, and a burning, irrational hatred of anyone to the Left of Ann Coulter. So embrace your crazy and find the one candidate who would most baffle and infuriate Liberal Devils like me.

Second, he'd switch parties at the flick of a comb. His political hero was Nixon, for chrissake, and y'all were perfectly content to embrace St. Reagan after he defected. And he'd come cheap; hell, he'd run as Commie, Natural Law Bimetallist or a Cannabis Liberation Phalangist if one of those mostly-imaginary parties would agree to cover his monthly mortgage-and-mousse expenses.

Third, sure there's the whole "impeachment" thing (and, more importantly, the vote that immediately followed impeachment banning Blago from holding statewide office forever and ever) but really, since when has the Right been dainty about letting known

criminals, traitors and crazy people run barefoot through the corridors of power? Just let Blago campaign on "Let the People Decide!" and give him a dozen lawyers to tangle up the definitions of "public office" (anybody elected to anything) and "statewide office" (Governor, Lieutenant Governor, Attorney General, Secretary of State, Comptroller and Treasurer), then sit back and watch the fireworks.

Third, just imagine how lively the debates would be:

Candidate X: I cannot believe this corrupt douchbag is even in this race.

Blago: Funny, that's not what you said back when you were sucking my dick and offering me Cubs season tickets in exchange funding your stupid "Candidate X public library and water park".

Candidate X: That's a lie.

Blago: It's all on tape baby! Let's play 'em all back right here, right now and see who's zoomin' who.

So since your Party has lost all interest in the grubby, tedious business of actual governance, why not go with your all-purpose, Limbaugh/Palin/O'Reilly Plan B: Sowing confusion and fear and hoping to revive your political fortunes on the very disasters you help to create.

And who better to advance your Politics of Pandemonium than

Illinois' #1 Agent of Chaos?

So Illinois Republicans, as a Devil Liberal I'm begging you; whatever you do, please, please don't throw Brer Blago into that briar patch!

UPDATE: Welcome "Chicago Reader" readers and thanks to one of my city's most tenacious reporters for the link.