Sunday Morning Comin’ Down

For some reason, I was getting transmissions from the Bizarro Universe again Sunday.

I blame my off-brand digital teevee antenna.

(Consumer advisory: Never buy tech out of the back of this guy’s truck:


His dimensional disaggregators never work as advertised, his return policy is terrible, and the dozen different kinds of Imperial entanglements you let yourself in for are not worth what you save.)

Over in the Bizarro Universe, instead of Mother’s Day, apparently May 10th is “Take Your Disgraced Autocrat To Work” Day.

But first, on the local Pre-Fox, I heard what had to be, pound for pound, the biggest whopper of the morning.

However it does requires a little lead up.

You see, once upon a time there was a family named Daley…

And the House of Daley wanted to rule a city called Chicago, but to do that they had to find a way to tamp down/co-opt African-American voters.

Enter John Stroger, a Democratic Machine lieutenant who parlayed a willingness to be the Daley's African American electoral flotation device into a series of sweet gigs, starting as Ward Committeeman, then Cook County Board Commissioner, finally culminating in his election as Maximum President for Life of the Cook County Board.

All of which also meant County employment for life for the roughly 7,200 members of the Stroger family, inner circle, outer circle, way, way outer circle (more of an acquaintance exurb, really) as well as assorted chums, buds, well-wishers, high school pals, ex-girlfriend’s cousins and co-conspirators...as well as insuring that Cook would take home the prize for Most Flagrantly Corrupt, Crony-Riddled, Wasteful National Embarrassment of a County Government year after year after year.

So we’ve got that going for us.

Then time passed, as it will, and Old Man Daley died and, as is the charmingly monarchical custom here in Illinois, after being loaned out to various alarmingly non-Daley-type personages, Da Mare’s office was finally handed over to the Heir Presumptive – Richie Daley –


along with various other properties and entitlements including the deed to John Stroger.

Then time passed, as it will, and Old Man Stroger died and, as is the charmingly monarchical custom here in Illinois, Da Commissioner’s office was handed over to the Heir Presumptive – Little Todd Stroger.

And it all would have worked out soooo very well were it not for two facts:

1. Years of flaccid and comically incompetent management had left Cook County both dead-assed broke and wildly overstocked with Stroger-appointed meatsicles , and

2. Little Todd Stroger’s unfortunate and uncanny resemblance to a weasel in every significant detail, except in the areas of thrift and candor where, well, let’s just say, “Weasel 2: Stroger 0”.

Which means that, for the House of Daley, their Stroger Electoral Flotation Device had become the Stroger 1,000 Pound Radioactive Albatross.

Until, last week (From the estimable Windy Citizen):

Mayor Daley is Breaking Up With Todd Stroger

A Tribune reader has asked today if Chicago is a monarchy and Mayor Daley its ruler. The answer is uncertain, but what is certain is that the Mayor has thrown one of his jesters under the bus. Or at least that's how Todd Stroger likely sees it, despite the Mayor's assertions to the contrary.
…

And so, the biggest whopper told by anyone this Sunday?

“The Daley's don't determine who gets elected.”

Spoken aloud and with a perfectly straight face by John Daley -- the affable Billy Baldwin of the Daley Clan -- who is also the 11th Ward Democratic Committeeman, a member of the Cook County Board of Commissioners, the Chair of the Cook County Board Audit and Finance Committee, defender of the faith, son of Richard the First, and brother to Mayor For Life Richard J. Daley, and Bill Daley, former U.S. Secretary of Commerce, former President, Chair and/or Board Member of a dozen America’s the most powerful banks and corporations, and the sixth Earl of Cloutington.

And that is as normal as Sunday got, because right after came the mysterious broadcasts from the Bizarro Universe.

On Bizarro “Face the Nation” the guest was Dick Cheney: Maverick Truth-Shouter.

On Bizarro “This Week” George Stephanopoulos traded bon mots with John McSame: Sober-Minded Elder Statesman.

On Bizarro “Meet the Press” Hamid Karzai, is not a failed American puppet living under siege as the de facto Mayor of Kabul, but the wildly popular President of Afghanistan, while Asif Ali Zardari is large and in-charge in Pakistan, and not some delusional stick-figure who has succumbed so thoroughly to AIG-flu that he has to be regularly bribed with whopping big wads of US taxpayer dollars into defending his own country from armed madmen who are eating it alive from within.

On Permanently Bizarro “Fox News Sunday” Chris Wallace created a soothing, metronomic atmosphere by treating us all to his world-famous Drinking Bird imitation

while Double-Sooper-Maverick Anti-Partisanship Crusader Newt Gingrich alerted us all to the fact that the Obama White House is the Worst!Partisan!Bunch! since the McCarthy Era.

He also warned that the Obama Administration wants to...

…“protect terrorists” and “make Americans less safe”.
…give terrorists welfare.
…give terrorists lawyers! For free!
…let terrorists be citizens after a year.
…let terrorists fuck your sister!

Which -- while I appreciate Newt’s calm and timely words of caution -- was weirdly dissonant, considering that over in the Bizarro Universe, there obviously is no Obama Administration.

Based on population sampling take at the Mouse Circus, over in the Bizarro Universe, Republican policies are apparently still very popular.

In the Bizarro Universe, Democrats did not whip Republicans in two back-to-back elections.

In the Bizarro Universe, Conservative policies were not proven to be abject failures.

In the Bizarro Universe, Conservative leaders were not shown to be liars, useless human botchworks or outright traitors by years of serial, terrifying avalanches of unstoppable reality.

Instead they occupy every chair on every show and fill the air with their stern, reassuring, 13th Century wisdom.