Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Everybody Comes to Barack’s


“Round up the usual suspects” Edition

So this happened:
Obama Pulls Up a Chair at George Will's House

By Michael D. Shear
Where does one dine a week before becoming the leader of the free world?

At the Chevy Chase, Md., house of conservative columnist George Will.

President-elect Barack Obama left his temporary home at the Hay-Adams Hotel at just after 6:15 this evening, arriving about 20 minutes later at Will's house, valued at $1.9 million.

Aides said the visit was a dinner party; eagle-eyed reporters spotted two other conservative columnists among the guests: William Kristol of the Weekly Standard and David Brooks of the New York Times.

This from the pool report, issued minutes ago: "Thanks to an enterprising photographer, a shot through a window showed op-ed stalwarts William Kristol and David Brooks are also part of this unlikely gathering of tight, right suits."
And while there is no official word on what they discussed, but running a sophisticated poly-dimensional analysis of sound vibrations picked up off the window, lip reading, and flatulence all run through the Mass Speculatometer 3000, it probably sounded a little something like this...

KRISTOL
Do you mind if I ask you a few
questions? Unofficially, of course.


OBAMA
Make it official, if you like.


KRISTOL
What is your nationality?

OBAMA
I'm an Islamofascist.

BOBO BROOKS
(scribbles madly)
Pulitzer here I come!

OBAMA
That was a joke.
I was born in Hawaii if that'll
help you any.

KRISTOL
I understand you lived overseas for awhile.

OBAMA
There seems to be no secret about
that.

KRISTOL
Are you one of those people who cannot
imagine the free market in your beloved
Socialist France?

OBAMA
It's not particularly my beloved
France.

WILL
Can you imagine us in London?

OBAMA
Now that you have fucked up the
global economyfor the next 30 years,
only

in Monty Python sketches.

BOBO
Ho, diplomatist!

KRISTOL
How about Chicago?

OBAMA
Try making a living peddling rims and tee-shirts
on Maxwell Street and then come back and
talk to me about “capitalism”.

KRISTOL
Aha. Who do you think will win the
culture war?

OBAMA
I haven't the slightest idea.

BOBO
I read in my column in the NYT that Barack is
completely neutral about everything.

KRISTOL
You weren't always so carefully
neutral. We have a complete dossier
on you.

"Barack Obama, allegedly American. Possibly
forty-seven. Used ACORN to cheat Caribou
Barbie and that old guy out of the White House ."

How you did it is a little vague. We
know you love tax increases, Mr.
Obama, and also we know that you used
to be cool with gay marriage.

Don't worry. We are not going to
broadcast it.

Barack looks up from the book.

OBAMA
Is my skin really brown?

KRISTOL
You will forgive my curiosity, Mr.
Obama. The point is, the enemies of
corporate feudalism have come to the Village
and we wanna know which side you are on.

OBAMA
My interest in whether your fucked up
Mainstream Media stays or goes is purely
a pragmatic one.

KRISTOL
In this case, you have no sympathy
for Fox News, huh?

OBAMA
Not particularly. I understand the
point of view of the Rachel Maddow, too.

KRISTOL
Anonymous bloggers publish the foulest
lies on Teh Internets every day, and even after
David Broder called them potty-mouthed
poo-heads they continued to post their
Liberal trash.

BOBO
Of course, one must admit, some of them are
pretty fucking funny.

KRISTOL

I admit they can be clever.
From l'affaire Jeff Gannon to the US Attorney
unpleasantness they have vexed us.

With our beloved Mooselini


they continue their slander,
We intend not to let it happen again.

Obama gets up.

OBAMA
You'll excuse me, gentlemen. Your
business is bitching about trivia and pimping
your failed ideology. Mine is running
the world.


Later, to escape the sounds of Angry Neocon Love coming out of George Will’s sex dungeon wine cellar, Brooks slipped out on the porch with the President-Elect. Then, after a long, uncomfortable pause punctuated only by the sounds of traffic, the muffled, far-away shrieks of Billy Kristol in the transports of welt-raising deregulatory ecstasy, and the eye-rolling of the President-elect…

BOBO
What in heaven's name brought
you to the Center?

OBAMA
My political health. I came to Center for the waters.

BOBO
The waters? What waters?
The Center is a fucking desert!

OBAMA
I was misinformed.

In the months and years to come will see waves of dispossessed Conservatives -- Ideologically Displaced Persons -- washing up on our shores and looking for a home. And once they've wiped their filthy little feet on the Rug of Contrition and gone through decontam they will be surprised at what a relatively hospitable joint we run here over here on the Left side of the Earth.

Because the Liberal phantasms that have kept them angrily mesmerized their entire lives have been products of their own viciously partisan propaganda.

Over here in the Real World, we value hard work. Self-sustaining communities. Good schools.

Healthy, well-informed citizens.

Choice, for everybody.

Marriage, for everybody.

A government based on transparency and rigorous, well-considered performance standards.

Taxes that balance the need to pay for the infrastructure and the maintenance of the commons without need to promote creativity and the entrepreneurial drive that makes the wheels go ‘round.

And whatever their history, people who share these values and are willing to work on the means of realizing them are our allies and should be greeted as such.

So in that light, I understand Obama’s gesture. I don't agree with it, but I get the idea that, as Lincoln said, we destroy our enemies when we make friends of them.

But while that idea might contain some truth, this is also undoubtedly true:

BOBO
My dear Barack, you overestimate the influence
of the Wingnuts. I don't interfere with them and
they don't interfere with me. I am a Reasonable
Conservative and master of my fate! I am...

LEE ATWATER'S GHOST
Ronald Reagan’s zombified corpse is here, sir!

OBAMA
You were saying?

BOBO
Excuse me.

That as long as the livelihoods of men like Brooks, Kristol and Will depend on defending an obscene doctrine and ripping the guts out of anyone who opposes their loathsome agenda -- no matter deeply they bury the blade under layers of silk batting -- they remain democracy’s enemies.

And until a Conservative of any age, race, gender or class can cheerfully make a bonfire out of their dog-eared copies of:

“Atlas Shrugged”
“Men in Black: How the Supreme Court Is Destroying America”
“The World According to Ann Coulter”
“Hollywood Nation: Left Coast Lies, Old Media Spin, and the New Media Revolution”
“Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild”
“The ACLU vs. America: Exposing the Agenda to Redefine Moral Values”
“The O'Reilly Factor for Kids”
“Deliver Us from Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism
“Setting the Woods on Fire”,
“Sarah: How a Hockey Mom Turned Alaska's Political Establishment Upside Down”
“Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and their Assault on America”
“The Case Against Barack Obama”
“Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left from Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning”

and a thousand others...

-- pee on the ashes and walk away feeling the better for it, they simply cannot be trusted inside our perimeter.

ps. Thanks to the astonishing labors of many, kind peers, friends and complete strangers, I have apparently won the 2008 Weblog Award for Best Individual Blogger. Which stuns me. However until the Secretary of State completes the correct paperwork or Norm Coleman concedes, nothing is certified or official, so I’ll wait for The Word before posting a proper “Thank You”.

Until then, many, many thanks.

14 comments:

K said...

Yeah, I thought that was all pretty interesting too. I suppose Obama is making good on his promise to the be the President of ALL the people, and it's a little harder to take pot shots at a person you've never had to look in the eye.

I am really looking forward to the inaugeration.

Malacandra said...

Nice.

As far as your as-of-yet uncertified Weblog Award goes: it is a fucking valuable thing, and we, your supporters, don't give it away for nothing... you understand what we're sayin'?

Rehctaw said...

I'm pretty sure O was just casing Will's place. Bobo was invited as official taster.

As they sat down, O pulled a half slab of Moo & Oink purveyed, Chicken Shack ribs out of thin air saying, "I hope you don't mind, I never eat food that wasn't thoroughly screened. Bill and Will? You don't keep kosher do ya? I think I can conjure up another slab or two. Somebody get Bobo a napkin, he's starting to foam. Now, about your divestiture and relocation..."

Any word on the official word yet? Irregularities? Congrats, well and hard earned.

jurassicpork said...

Well, that completely blows my mini take of it completely out of the water, into the stratosphere and misting back down into the ecosystem. In my defense, however, I was running late this morning and couldn't give it the D r i f t g l a s s treatment.

All the same, this brilliant take on Casablanca shows why Sir Drifty is the best individual blogger of the year and why I'm so consumed with envy that I constantly strive to be a better blogger.

Congrats, dude. You earned it.

How's the job search coming along, btw?

darkblack said...

"I'm shocked! Shocked to find that award-winning, well-reasoned tomes are going on in here!"

;>)

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the award, motherfucker!!! You totally fucking deserve it!!!

And thanks for adjusting your theme to black on light. ME LIKE!!!11!!!

Blader said...

I'm still hoping for vigorous proscriptions and steady pogroms. I don't trust those fuckers either.

Phil said...

Just make sure they stay out of kicking distance.

Cirze said...

So brilliant, so fey.

How do you do it?

(Touched by gods.)

Congratulations from one who stands in awe of your power, ability and grace (also geniusity in comic timing and truthiness). This feels like the start of a beautiful (national) relationship - what journalists formerly provided (back when politicians thought they were in the business of being sincerely questioned about their leadership).

May it include that position replacing the Trio of Tristesse at The Times.

Anonymous said...

congratulations unoffically on your well deserved accomplishment. I keep sending appreciative readers your way and they are never disappointed.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant stuff, Drifty. I'm quite in awe (and rather envious of) your writing abilities.

As for "O": Well...Here's hoping he turns out to be anywhere near as standup a guy as Rick was in Casablanca. But I rather doubt it.

Anonymous said...

Official, Unofficial, Normie Never-Say-Die Dead Coleman Certified ... or NOT. You won the Individual Blogger Webblog Award, Driftglass, before you were even nominated.

We know good stuff when we sees it.

I agree with the folks above who also did a double-take when the NeoCon Media's KKK -- Kristol, Klown Brooks, and I-Can't-Morph-It for Idio-Host Geo Will -- did a Guess Who's Coming to Din-Din with our new prez.

First thing that entered my dysfung-shui decorated brain was: Surely Obama is bringing food testers? And, don't call him Shirley.

I think the factories doing inner-buttock tatoos (TRAITOR RIGHT WINGNUT)and the pitchforks engraved with names of their fork-ees (Kristol, O'Reilly, Beck, Coulter et. al.) will go on triple shifts at Chez Obama. And MORE FASTER to him.

The genius is what you expressed in your Rick's American Cafe Casablanca posting -- Obama gets to be the gracious and totally tolerant of twits genial host; some harmless idiot plays the piano; and nameless grunts will do the knee-capping of geriatric GOPers and Alzheimer's ridden NeoCons.

Increasingly, I believe BO is one smart man. (Oh ... pick ME, Mr. President, pick MEEEE for your Wet Work Squad. I have titanium micro-blade bullets with Michelle Malkin's and Ann His Own Coulter's name's on them. Pick me.)

Congrats, again, Driftglass. You have been haven for the battered liberal soul for me for at least 3 years. I know you need $$$ but will you take shameless kudos and slavish fauning instead???

Anonymous said...

driftglass, I think you should be the first to tell the new President that he resembles Bogie.

I always like the way Bogie beat up the bad guy at the end.

Anonymous said...

drifty,
finally you got something wrong.
dude, it's we who thank YOU.

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