VI Parades Peaceful, Festive.

The annual “Mission Accomplished Day” festivities kicked off all across the country yesterday.

Aided by good weather and gas prices that have fallen below the $2.00/gal mark since the Democratic Republic of Iraq began its full-scale, “Thank You Mr. President!” oil pumping campaign two years ago, crowds in major cities and small towns and were out in record numbers, lining the highways and byways of American to celebrate the Victory in Iraq.



By noon, most of the parades were over: the inflatable “Rumsfeld Triumphant” and “I Heart PNAC” balloons were back on the ground, rolled up and stored away for next year. Crowds from Maine to Monterrey took to their local churches and parks for picnic lunches, traditional "VI Day Cake Walks" and to hear the annual remarks by the wildly popular President.

This year, the President addressed the nation as he has for the last three years: in shirtsleeves from a free and peaceful Iraq. This year he spoke from the gymnasium of the newly opened “George W. Bush Agricultural and Petroleum College” (Home of the Fightin’ W-Aggies) in Tikrit: one of the 400 world-class schools and 300 hospitals that have been built over the last three years with American help using the oil revenue from our newly liberated ally.

“From every village and neighborhood,” the President said, “the Iraqi middle class – like the American middle class – has risen to the task of rebuilding and modernizing Iraq and has transformed it from the personal playground of a brutal tyrant into a free and vital Jeffersonian democracy.

“Next month will also mark the four year anniversary of the capture of Osama bin laden, and the complete destruction of the al-Qaeda network in Afghanistan. With the organizers of the dastardly 9/11 attacks in prison, Jihadism in retreat everywhere and dictatorships shattering around the globe, we can say without a doubt that a New and Glorious American Century has dawned.”

This year, while our Armed Forces were well-represented at all the major celebrations, this reporter noticed what appeared to be a conspicuous lack of recruitment activities and learned that, in fact, the military has been forced to turn some recruits away.

When asked, Army Sergeant Jordan Cromulent explained that, “When you combine our lightening victory in Iraq with the low casualty rates, and the fact that peace and freedom are on the rise everywhere, Army life sells itself. These days we can afford to be choosy. We make it clear that we’re looking for the best and the brightest to serve, and the brilliance with which our leaders planned for and executed in Iraq – pre- and post-invasion – gives young men and women -- and their parents -- great confidence that they’re in good hands. With confidence in our civilian leadership at all time highs, young people see the military as both an excellent career and a way to serve their country.”



In a related story, on his return trip from the capitol of the United Federation of Persia, the President plans to make a brief stopover in Boston, Massachusetts and place a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Pothead to commemorate the 15 year anniversary of the final, decisive battle in the War on Drugs.