Lies and Polls

Big Dubya rolls the bones.

There are many ways of comprehending certain events of today.

Me, I can think of two?

We can take the easy way out. Limit ourselves to the operating parameters of mere reality. Go to the tape of the White House press scrum today, and watch Helen [who I am guessing is the estimable Helen Thomas] dribble breathtakingly incompetent liar Scotty McClellan around like a basketball.

Actually, that sounds like a blast! (Emphasis added...uh, because it makes my ass look less fat.)

Q In a follow up for -- from this morning's briefing, I said that the President was aware in the run-up to the war that there were no weapons -- no weapons -- unconventional weapons had been found, and you sort of denied that it was in the mem

MR. McCLELLAN: No, this morning you said that the President was aware there were no weapons of mass destruction. And that is not what that article spelled out.

Q This is what it -- the memo says: The President and Prime Minister acknowledge that no unconventional weapons had been found inside Iraq in the run-up to the war.

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, let me remind you and take you back to that time period, because there was a U.N. weapons inspection team that was looking at these issues. And that team put out I think some sort of interim report back in December of '02, and that report showed that the regime was not coming clean. And we said at that time that the regime was continuing its pattern of non-cooperation and that if they continued --
Q They also said they didn't find any weapons.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- if they continued down that path, then we were prepared to use force. The President pursued a diplomatic solution. That's why we went to the United Nations. That's why we passed a 17th resolution that called on the regime to disclose or face serious consequences.

Q The memo says he wanted a war, basically that he was determined, and there were no weapons found.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, Helen, that's not an accurate assessment, and you know it. Because you covered --

Q Is this memo wrong?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, you covered us at that time period. And let me remind you, go back to that time period, look at the public comments that were made, look at the numerous statements that were made by the President of the United States. We were continuing to pursue a diplomatic solution, but we recognized that it was necessary to prepare and plan accordingly in the event we would need to use force, and that's what we were doing at that time, as well.
...

Q Is this memo correct?

MR. McCLELLAN: I don't -- I haven't seen that memo, Helen.

Q You haven't seen The New York Times' memo?

MR. McCLELLAN: I've seen The New York Times.

Bwahaha!

Since I blog from the chill recesses of castle driftglass, my computer monitor stays at a pretty constant 60-65 degrees. And yet the rage that’s comes positively boiling off of Scotty Dog here was sufficient to instantaneously cauterize this article backwards into the far wall at the end of the Hall of Computers.

Thank God I was wearing my personal shield.

The cat, however, did not fare so well: poor thing now has this…

flash-tattooed onto her ass.

So that’s one way of seeing the day’s headlines, and it obviously has its perils.

But what’s missing from the public recitations of the Audio-Animatronic Spokesweasel (“We’re sorry, Mrs. McClellan, but...he's...no longer really your son anymore. He’s more poo than mannequin now.”) in the White House front window is a sense of what was going on behind the scenes, as big, stupid decisions were being made.

Of course we cannot actually know more until Backwards Day comes and Republicans decide to take an interest in investigating the high crimes and misdemeanors of the Bush White House, or until the Dems take back part or all of the Congress and start minting subpoenas by the job-lot.

But we can speculate irresponsibly…

This from the inimitable “Guys and Dolls”, wherein I borrow the splendid, Runyanesque dialogue, take it for a spin, get it drunk, tart it up in Naughty Nurse apparel, give it a kiss and woo down Cuba way for my own dark designs.

We join Secretary of State, Colin “Detroit” Powell, and President of the United State – Big Dubya Bush -- in the eve of the Iraqi invasion, discussing the fact that the Mighty Morphin’ Casus Belli for Big Dubya’s war had evaporated...

Detroit: How many days we all been here? As you can see, Big Dubya, the analysts are fatigued from weariness, having been talking crap for quite a while now, namely months.

Big Dubya: I don't care who's tired…nobody leaves.

Detroit: I am half dead.

“Birdshot” Cheney: If you do not shut up, Big Dubya will arrange the other half.

Big Dubya: And since I've been cleaned out of facts, I announce that I will now play on dogma.

Detroit: Big Dubya, you cannot imagine how exhausted they are. Especially on a non-fact basis. Me, personally, I'm fresh as a daisy.

Big Dubya: Then I'll play with you.

Detroit: But I am not a player. I am merely the operator.

Big Dubya: You been raking down out of every pot. You must have quite a lot of integrity.

Detroit: Being I assume the risk, is it not fair, I should assume some prestige?

Big Dubya: Detroit, I'm gonna roll ya, willy or nilly. If I lose... I'll give you my marker.

Detroit: And if I lose?

“Birdshot” Cheney: You will give him your credibility.

Detroit: Let me hear from Big Dubya.

Big Dubya: You'll give me credibility.

Detroit: I heard.

Big Dubya: Here's my marker. Put up your good name. Anything wrong?

Detroit: "IOU Your Good Name Back. Signed X." How can you write "Your Good Name" but not your signature?

Big Dubya: It’s called a “Presidential signing statement”.

Detroit: Here. This'll cheat you through Harvard. Again.

Big Dubya: I'm rollin' the whole war. And to change my luck, I'm going to use my own dice.

Detroit: Your own dice?

Big Dubya: Turdblossom had 'em made special.

Detroit: I do not wish to seem petty, but may I have a look at those dice?

(pause)

Detroit: But these dice ain't got no spots on 'em. They're blank.

Big Dubya: I had the spots removed for luck. But I remember where the spots formerly were.

Detroit: You are going to roll blank dice…and remember where the spots were?

Big Dubya: Detroit... do you doubt my memory?

Detroit: Big Dubya, I have great trust in you.

Big Dubya: Niger yellowcake and al Quaeda. 9/11. My points: 9/11.

Detroit: At least I got a chance. He remembered a hard point.

Big Dubya: 9/11. I win. Saddam plus Osama. Pay up.