Sunday Morning Comin’ Down

In which we play “Find The Boehner”!

Everywhere his dead, blue eyes stared out at me.

So I ran. I ran so far away.

Which reminds me: Iran was discussed here and there. Widespread agreement that Iran is worrisome and that “all the options” should be on the table.

Really?

Including the option of pouring a couple of hundred billion into a Manhattan Project for Time Travel?

So we can go back four years and try to unfuck the Bush Iraqi Debacle before it happens?

And come at Iran with a pre-Bush arsenal of robust, Powell Doctrine, military power, a full treasury and a hat-full of international goodwill instead of the reckless, post-Bush world of patches, tatters, debt and mistrust the GOP has left us to cope with?

Then again, we’d have to go back thirty years and try to prevent Red State Christalopithecans (Read it. Learn it. Use it in a sentence.) from getting so intractably dug like wood-tics into their bone-deep-dumb -- and packed to their gill-slits in bad religion to paper over their stupid -- that they would actually be rabid-lemur, leg-chewing, crazy enough to elect (and then re-elect) this bumbling gang of thieves, liars, cronies and Dominionists.

And even with a limitless supply of wood chips and switchgrass – and every dime that Republicans have pissed away in earmarks and into the sands of Iraq magically restored -- I doubt there are resources enough to make even the first down-payment on such a powerful WayBack Machine.

Ah well.

On "Fox News. The King Of All Spies, followed by The Boehner. Followed by three conservatives kicking the cartilage out of Fox’s boneless pet liberal. Like watching the weather reports from St. Thomas: always the same, so today I’ll pass.

On "Face the Nation" -- Senators Leahy and Sessions.

Juicy, except…what's that I smell?

On “This Week”… -- It’s Kenny Mehlman! Yay! Bye-bye, CBS; I’ll check back later or hope C&L has excerpted the good stuff.

Mehlman sez we’re gonna get more scientists and engineers and stuff! Yay! But…but… where’s Mars? What about Mars? Are we there yet? Huh? Mars? Are we? Arewethereyet arewethereyetarewethereyet?

No?

Ok, well in the State of the Union spirit of publicly stating numbers and dates firmly and clearly and then backing off of them at 120 m.p.h. mere hours later, let me say that while the high points of the following are indeed chock full of yummy-yummy “Truthiness”, this conversation didn’t actually take place.

But it should have.

George Stephanopoulos: Well how about a little taste ‘o Chuck Hagel from last week, calling Dear Leader out on his using National Security for partisan gain bullshit? Whaddya think of that, Ken?

Ken Mehlman: I agree that this shouldn’t be a partisan issue. Which is why the Democrats need to shut the fu…

("A Shot 'o Rye When They Lie" GOP Drinking Game Players now take a drink.)

George: Wait just a fucking minute. What about Karl Rove’s long, venomous rant against Democrats just last week? Isn’t Rove the King of all Haters?

Mehlman: Iraq is the Central Front on the War on Terra, and Copperplate Boldface is its Central Font! When Democrats question Dear Leader’s wisdom in font-usage or in Iraq they’re aiding the terrorists! They might as well be packing them lunches, helping them onto planes and midwifing their terrorbabies! Dots, George! Connect the dots! They're all Pre-9/11-y!

George: But what about Republicans who ask exactly the same questions?

Mehlman: We welcome people who ask questions. Questions like, “How can Dear Leader be so vewwy, vewwy wise?” and “Isn’t he working too hard? Can’t you let the poor man take another vacation and rest his massive brain?” and “What can I, a mere citizen, do to make Dear Leader incrementally more Imperial? Does his dog perhaps need a soothing hand job? Or a kidney?”

(GOP Drinking Game Players have another shot.)

Mehlman (cont'd): A few questions here and there are fine. But disputing Dear Leader’s wisdom on the Central Front on the War on Terra is pre-9/11. Non-dotty-connecty. Brimming with anti-pixel-interlacitude. We welcome debate, except when it leads to disagreement.

George: Are you high? Seriously, do you even listen to the shit that comes spraying out of your Duyba Anal Pleasuring Module anymore?

Mehlman: It’s about the dots, George. Dotsdotsdots. “Dots” is the new “flip-flop”. It’s the latest thing in neurolinguistic programming. The Majyk Conjure Word that we have pre-programmed into the meat pudding that fills the skulls of our rank-and-file Golem. Repeat “dots” four times fast and it shuts down the tiny frontal lobes of Red State Republicans long enough to get them to and from their polling places. And anyway, you have to look at the dots strabismally to really, really see the really real deal.

George: Strabismally?

Mehlman: Squinty-like. The way our Dear Leader looks at the world all the time. Like he’s staring into the Sun. And that’s the key to understanding the pointillism of terrorism, George. That you have to look at the spots in a Barney Googly way. Cross-eyed, like one ‘a them dot-puzzle dealies from the ‘90s.

It's something these hateful Democrats refuse to understand. They insist on debating our Dear Leader's Perfect Testosterosagacity instead of joining us.

Bent over.

Ankles daintily grabbed, in what Yoga Masters call the "Crouching Lieberman" stance.

Offering their love cushions to the Wise Leadership of the GOP while pushing the dots together with their noses like one ‘a them egg-rolling Easter dealies…which God-hating Liberal haters probably hate!

George: Ok, we’ve got about another minute before Wormwood comes and hauls you back to whatever dank netherplace it is that you nest. Anything to add about the possible presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton in ‘08?

Mehlman: Hillary has a lot of anger. People don’t elect an angry candidate. She votes most of the time with Democrats, for God’s Sake! She’s angry! A woman out of control! I just want to slap the crap out of her angry face and scratch her angry eyes out! And those shoes! I mean, what’s that about? Such angry shoes, and not at all flattering to the ‘ol onion.

(GOP Drinking Game Players just kill the bottle and be done with it.)

George: So…any picks on the Super Bowl?

Mehlman: We are in the Super Bowl, George, for all the right reasons. Strabismallariffic reasons, like Freedom. And dots. And the troweling out of Dotty Democracy with our mighty, uh, Freedom Trowel.

It will be a Long Super Bowl, George, and only cowardly, traitorous Liberals -- who we respect, even though they’re angry and insist on arguing about the fact that they are cowardly traitors [Which only helps the Terrorists!] -- would insist on a fixed timetable for the game, some kind of artificial “Half Time”, or a false "score keeping" metric for measuring success. All of which would only encourage these football dead-enders to wait for us to leave.

George: What the fuck are you talking about? It’s a simple question, Ken: who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl?

Mehlman: Houston Oiler’s. By three. The Dear Leader has decreed it. Anything less and the terrorists and Liberals have won.

George: For Christ’s sake, Ken, the Oiler’s aren’t even in the fucking game. They…they don’t even fucking exist! They moved to Tennessee in 1997! They’re called the Titans now.

Mehlman: Why are you so angry, George? Why do you hate America?

On the “This Week…” Round Table: Feh! Three polymer-based-haircuts weeping Botox at each other while George Stephanopoulos tosses them nouns to fondle and punch.


Back to CBS, where it’s Karen Tumulty and David Effing Brooks. Aughhh! Why is this talentless oaf everywhere!

Small Gummit BoBo is very comfy with Big Brother reading his email and tapping his phones. In fact, he’s more comfy with a machine reading it. ‘Cause people are scary but machines are cuddly and harmless.

Bobo welcomes his new, stainless-steel overlords!

Also the snicker/head-bob combo that he breaks into every time he agrees to the wisdom of fresh, Republican horrors might be popular working the rentboi booths at Rancho Ragnarok, but out here in the clean air it just looks damned creepy.

On the Meet the Press, it’s BJ and The Bear! Oops. Sorry. I mean it's Timmuh and The Boehner!

Timmy sez that Iraqi oil is being skimmed and sold to fund the insurgency. So, what’s up with that, House Majority Leader?

And if you want for scientists and engineers and stuff, why are you cutting the guts out of student loan programs?

Sadly, that was the moment when the results of the GOP Drinking Game whiplashed into my solid hour of Sunday Morning eye-crossing, trying to make the GOPixels make any kinda sense at all, giving me a moby headache and an overwhelming desire to shower in antimendacitiotics for a week.

So ta-ta for now.

And Go Oilers!