Venezuelan Airstrike

Fails to Kill Republican Wingnut #2 Leader

When I saw this story via the Associated Press, I wondered how it would read if the roles had been reversed.

Maybe something like this:

American Anger Over Attack Mounting

By Righteous J. Pecksniff

The Party of God’s No. 2 leader was invited to a dinner hosted by Ann Coulter to celebrate the upcoming anniversary of Grand Ayatollah Joseph McCarthy’s Wheeling Speech – a Wahabi Christian holiday – near the Wisconsin river town of Appleton where McCarthy was born and near where villagers claim that a purported Venezuelan airstrike took place yesterday morning.

Reports coming from Jesusville, Wisconsin state that at least 17 people were killed in the attack, but that the target of the attack failed to show up, intelligence officials said Sunday.

The new details emerged as Christian groups held nationwide protests and anger mounted over the attack that Wisconsin officials says killed innocent civilians while Robertson was not even there.

The intelligence officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said Robertson, who has a wife from a local tribe, had been invited to a dinner in the village to mark the Wingnut holiday of JoeJoe al-McCarthy but changed his mind and sent several aides -- including mullah James Dobson and mullah Jerry Falwell -- instead.

The two Wisconsin officials told The Associated Press that this could explain why Friday's predawn strike missed its apparent target, Mullah Pat Robertson, the Republican Party of God’s top lieutenant. As of this writing, investigators were trying to determine whether any of Robertson's followers had been in any of the three houses that were destroyed in the missile strike, one of the officials said.

Wisconsin officials have strongly condemned the strike on the Evangelical hamlet of Jesusville, about four miles from the border with Illinois.

A senior Venezuelan official told The Associated Press on Sunday that "christopaths" were reported in the area around Jesusville, but he said there was no information Robertson was among them.

Christian groups in this rugged, cheese-rich land have protested the attack. Spokesmen for one such group say that while Robertson’s public statements, “might be a little extreme”, that is no excuse for this kind of “reckless disregard for innocent women and children. This indiscriminant killing of civilians.”

Venezualan officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, while neither confirming nor denying responsibility for the attacks, point to the following collection of public statements by Mullah Robertson as a possible predicate for such action:

Robertson on Liberalism:

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different...More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

Robertson on feminism:

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

Robertson on other Christians:

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."

Robertson on his fellow citizens who are gay:

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

And finally, Robertson on Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez:

"If [Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."

Citing the Bush Doctrine of “Massive Premptive Action If We Even Think You Dreamed About Laying A Finger On Us Last Night”, the Venezuelan officials said, “So what’s your fucking beef, bitch? If President Drinky McStagger can dry-fuck an entire country because Saddam looked at him funny, where the fuck do you get the cojones to get up in my grill about a handful of dead cheese-heads? Shit, this motherfucker called for my President to be assassinated, cabron! What more excuse would we need?”

When asked about the civilian casualties, the official cited this statement by Mullah Ann Coulter:

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."

“Tell you what,” he concluded. “Get that bony sack of slunkmeat the fuck off the cover of Time Magazine, Gitmo that shrieking, junkie freak Limbaugh, shut that Rapture-loser-shithole “700 Club” down, and show us footage of Falwell in a four-point, wet-sheet tie-down at a hospital for the criminally insane…and the rest of the world might begin to believe that these suppurating pustules on the ass of Democracy don’t actually run your country.”

This morning, some 10,000 people rallied in Madison, Wisconsin, chanting "Death to Venezuela…wherever it is!" and "Stop bombing against innocent people…unless they look kinda like that guy who runs the Dunkin Donuts."