In this Holiday Season -- made deliberately and irresponsibly divisive by the Party of President “Uniter not Divider” and “Personal Responsibility” -- perhaps all the pagans and Jews and Buddhists and Confucians and Shintoists and atheists and egg-nogstics (hehehe) and Muslims and Unitarians and basically all-Christian-sects-except-mouth-breathing-Falwellites could take a little time off from their busy, war-on-Mithrasmas schedules to join hands with the poor, persecuted Christian majority and remember the heart-warming story of Cheneykah.
You don’t know this classic Holiday Tale of the Eight Lies of Cheneykah?
Well pull up a flaming Yule log, pard, and let me tell you about the Miracle of the War for Oil.
What is Cheneykah?
Well once upon a time…
There lived a wicked man named Saddam Hussein.
He had once been a region-bestriding tyrant and ally of Republican President Ronald Reagan (whose Administration abetted Hussein in the killing thousands of this own people) but after two failed wars and a decade of embargos, Hussein was still a Bad Man, but was a menace to no one outside of his own borders.
However some very bad people in the United States became obsessed to the point of hysteria with their dreams of overthrowing Saddam Hussein (now that he was no longer useful) and establish an American-backed, American-proxy-run Mideast empire on top of some of the largest oil reserves in the world. Ironically, many of these people were once the Republican supporters of Hussein within the American government. But as much as they searched and searched, they had no rationale whatsoever for such a war.
Now one of these men who refused to give up his sticky dreams of a global oil empire was oil magnate Dick Cheney. Cheney had four co-conspirators and together they formed a cabal with as many of their Neocon ilk as would join with them. Their goal was to gin up an excuse to wage a war in Iraq by any means necessary. They called themselves the “Project for the New American Century”, or PNAC, which when literally translated means, “Hammer the fuck out of anyone who stands in the way of our transnational corporate hegemony”.
They skulked around the margins of decent society for years, looking for a way to make their war…and then came 9/11.
But still the public was not still not convinced. Invade and rebuild Afghanistan? Sure. Absolutely. But Iraq?
“Uh, no one from Iraq attacked us,” the people said. “In fact, don’t the people that attacked us really, really hate the Iraqi regime?”
So the Neocons had a grieving and outraged public, but could not find any link between the reason the people were furious and the Iraqi Debacle they wanted to stampede us into.
They could not find any “facts” to ignite their War for Oil. They searched and searched and spun and spun. Finally, they found a small treasure trove of Lies. Wonderous, frabdabulous, spectacular Cheneykah Lies.
They told the Americans that the war would pay for itself. That it would cost about a billion dollars. That we wouldn’t need many troops. That we would be greeted as Liberators. With candy and flowers. That there was no insurgency – just a few, “regime dead-enders”.
They told Americans that Saddam Hussein was a few pounds of uranium and a couple of lug nuts away from having nuclear weapons.
They told Americans that Saddam Hussein had very close ties to the people that attacked us on 9/11 and that he was planning on giving those evil people both the weapons that he already had stockpiled by the metric ton….and the ones he was developing.
And so the United States invaded Iraq, and the Neocons swore this war would last no more than six months.
Then a miracle happened!
That very small War for Oil that they conned America into has lasted not just six months, but two and a half years!
And that one billion dollars the War for Oil was supposed to cost? The actual tab is now approaching 250 billion dollars.
Another Cheneykah miracle!
And as many school fundraisers as I have been to, I have never yet been to a cake-walk where over 2,100 American soldiers have been killed and over 15,000 have been wounded.
This is why the meme-orah has eight candles; each one represents an Administration Lie about the War for Oil.
What is a Meme-orah?
A meme-orah is special holder for nine candles. Eight of the candles are for each Lie of Cheneykah, and the highest candle, known as the Smashed or "Dubya’s secret Dewars stash", is used to get the other candles “lit”.
On the first night of Cheneykah one Lie is lit, and this continues for eight days until all the Administration Lies are burning brightly. Special, fake “Press Events” and “Victory Plans” are recited each night before the Lies are lit.
Originally, crude oil from bombed pipelines was used in Cheneykah meme-orah, but recently Iraqi Reconstruction Candles have been substituted (Sorry, but electricity is only available from 5:00 – 5:15 on days beginning with the letter “S”). Supplied by Halliburton, these festive candles cost a mere $100 million dollars apiece.
And in the cheery glow of the one of the Cheneykah meme-orah, you will usually find young and old Chickenhawks alike playing the traditional game of this blessed season: The spinning of the Baghdreidel.
What is a Baghdreidel?
A Baghdreidel is a four-sided spinning wedge of petrified GOP manure with a Farsi letter on each side. In English the letters stand for, "We are so fucked I can’t even believe it".
The Baghdreidel game is played by giving Neocons and Christopaths hundreds of thousands of soldiers, hundreds of billions of dollars and the international reputation of the United States to screw with and watching them piss it away because none of them has the nads to stand up to the sociopaths that run their Party.
Unlike every other game of chance, before spinning the Baghdreidel, each Neocon goes “all in” with the lives of our children and our national treasure every single fucking time. Each player in turn spins and spins and spins and spins and spins the Baghdreidel. When the Baghdreidel falls, it will show one of the four letters.
According to the letter, the following will happen:
Neocon –- I don’t have sense enough to pound sand up a dog’s ass, which is why I will continue to blindly vote Republican!
WHIG -- So every single thing we’ve ever said has been either outright lies, or just completely fucking wrong? Hmmm. Well then I’d guess we’d better stay the course!
PNAC -- Holy fucking fuck-cakes. Well, you’re good and fucked now. Might as well get comfy.
FUBAR –- There’s fucked. There’s metafucked. There’s uberfucked. And then there’s Dubyafucked. Guess which one we are?
And that, my chillun, is the highly-abbreviated story of the Cheneykah: The War for Oil that was only supposed to last six month and cost a billion dollars but miraculously has now lasted two-and-one-half years and has cost us…everything.
So the blessings of the season and good luck to us all, and may the blowback from this Festival of Blights sweep like a dung-blizzard over those who brought this disaster down on our heads.