I am in a World...

...of Shit.


Tom ain’t built for the kind of fight that’s coming his way.

He’s a knife-in-the-back type, grown bloated and self-satisfied with complacent gluttony.

He can win if he can drop a building on you, or offer you cash, or threaten your family, but he’s old and his knees are shot and his addiction to chugging Satanwank has rotted him out from the inside.

He’s about to walk onto the court without a cup and have to fight it out in straight sets with someone he can’t blackmail or bribe. In a milieu where being a Manson-eyed thug with a God Complex the size of Greenland, a razor-slit sneer instead of a mouth and a Death’s Head vibe that makes stone cringe are not advantages.

In the greasy halls of Congress, all of these hellmouth attributes might be very effective, especially when your whole job is keeping sniveling, bowel-less Republicans bottom-dwellers doing what comes naturally to them anyway: gratefully licking spittle from their master’s boots and spitting acid at anyone who points out that they lick spittle from the boots of their masters.

I the courtroom, however, such boundless, defiant depravity doesn’t exactly win friends and influence people...which in a very important way is sorta what any winning-in-court strategy must needs be about.

So I have to wonder if anything like this missive might be being drafted by anyone at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...

Dear Hammer,

You know you’ve always been my strong right arm, but now our Glorious Revolution is in danger from the Liberal Extremists.

I think you're doin' a heck of a job, Hammer, and I know the charges against you are trumped up – as they always are – but this time that Ronnie Earle fella seems to have gotten the drop on you. Bound to happen one day; a man can’t stay the fastest gun in town forever.

I know you and I both tried hard to serve our country during Vietnam, but as you’ve said, the coloreds took all the Army jobs and din’t leave nothing for Real Americans like you and me.

But this situation we got here ain’t gonna get any better. In fact I hear tell it’s gonna get a whole lot worse, and a lot of our friends who prefer their privacy might find themselves under some lights that ain’t exactly the Light of the Lord, if you know what I mean.

Like I did before I went to Iraq, I talked to the Higher Father, and prayed on this awful hard, and I think this’d be best for everyone.

Now, at last, you can take one for the team and serve our Great Nation and our friends, just like you always wanted to in Vietnam.

I know it’s hard, but the Republican Party can only move forward without DeLay (Karl came up with that one and it’s a hoot, don’tcha think?").

So I need you to take care of this one, last thing. Don’t worry, nothing’ll happen to your family if you do this right; them and the good name of DeLay will be well taken care of. Jimmy Dobson said it’s not even a sin this way; more of a holy martyr’s sacrifice. Cheney says it won’t hurt a bit, and by tonight you’ll be with Our Father in the Sky for ever and ever.

Get it done, Hammer.

Yours in Christ,

Dubya,