C'mon Lucy, how about it?

If you don't, you'll make Baby Jesus cry.


Sitting here at the conference – yet another conference. Just fully unpacked my dhop kit for the first time in a long time, and found two little bottles of hyper-green mouthwash that had an expiration date old enough that it should be coming back into fashion any day now.

Who the hell knew that mouthwash had an expiration date?

Listening to Van Morrison and plowing through the other pile of work that I have from the other job.

It’s quiet here – no TV, near big water – and I start to ruminate, which is not an existentially profitable thing, pre-dawn on a long Monday. Dark thoughts. Dylan kicks on – “Not Dark Yet” – and my thoughts get even more dirgeful (of that’s a word.)
And then I see this...

God wants you to have good sex
By Patrick KampertTribune staff reporterPublished April 17, 2005
Two authors say they've found a terrific sex manual they want to share with 1,000 other women at a conference next weekend in the Chicago area.It's called the Bible.
"We're privileged that we are able to express to couples that God wants them to delight and revel in that area, to enjoy it as a gift," said Linda Dillow, co-author of three books on the subject with Lorraine Pintus.

The conference, "Intimate Issues," is based on Dillow and Pintus'...Dillow says many churches have had unbiblical and prudish ideas about marital sex for centuries. "Martin Luther said intercourse was never without sin," she noted.

Dillow and Pintus' new book, "Intimacy Ignited" (NavPress, $19.99), was written with their husbands. (Dillow's spouse is a Bible scholar and Hebrew expert.) Pintus said their message, based on the Song of Solomon... "

When all you teach kids is 'just say no,' they don't know how to say yes when they get married," she added.

The Song of Solomon, she said, is unabashed about making love outdoors and dancing provocatively for your spouse, and it even has veiled references that hint at oral sex. Barton said the sessions for singles draw women from 17 to 70 and tackle everything from masturbation to how-far-do-you-go when dating. Women aren't schooled in enjoying life as a single; they just want to get out of it," she said.

For the married, Dillow hopes the conferences will help the evangelical divorce rate, which is just as high as that of any other group."We believe marriages will improve as they begin to experience all that God has for them," she said.

I try to pay reeeeally close attention to the Red State ‘Lectroids and the ever-mutating list of the Thou Shalt Not’s of their anti-faith, so I knew that God apparently wanted us to kill queers, and either kill or impeach judges. Blow up women’s clinics. Dethrone Science and coronate Jack Chick Superstitions. Eliminate the Right to Privacy. Eliminate the right to Choice. Get rid of the estate tax. Gut Social Security. Go to war against the entirely wrong country, and then tell everyone to Fuck Off when they point this out.

Reelect imbeciles. Execute children. Outlaw dildos. Just miles and miles of everything you could think of, but basically it comes down to this: they want us to feel wracked with guilt for simply being alive, ashamed of doing anything cool or fun during the hot minute we’re on this Earth, and go completely Old Testament on anyone’s ass that breaks any of those rules.

So imagine my elated surprise to find on this gray Monday that God actually just wants me to be happy and get laid like discount shag carpet on a President’s Day 2-for-1 Sale.

Excellent: looks like God’s getting tired of seeing all of His favorite shit fucked up by the DeLay Deathcultists too. Now here's a diety I can get behind, and if she's also a Cute Diety, well...

See this is what I’m talking about. About waking up and being Proud Progressives. About not cringing and apologizing for our beliefs, but getting happily, evangelically up in the grillwork of our Republican friends and family and colleagues – and media – every time they try to get away with painting us with shop-worn Gingrich-GOPAC, canned rhetoric.

But seriously, enough pedantry. God wants us all to get righteously and artfully laid.

So what are you waiting for?