Friday, July 28, 2017

Both Siderism Is Corporate Policy



Lost in the hurricane of feculence that is the Failed Trump Administration is the story of the battering and beleaguering of the Beltway's most beloved institutions -- the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism.

 As you know, the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism was founded by Mr. David Brooks of The New York Times and a handful of other elite and protected Beltway insiders as refuge for their fellow Bush regime dead-enders and media enablers to hide out and regroup once the Bush Administration turned to shit and everything they had written or spoken on the subject of the Greatness of George Bush and the disloyalty and idiocy of the Left turned to ashes in their mouths.

Obviously admitting the simple and obvious truth they had all been wrong -- horribly, horribly wrong -- about everything and that the disloyal, idiot Left had been right about the Right all along was not an acceptable solution for many reasons, most of which involved protecting their wildly-overpaid jobs and privileges.  Instead, they conspired to turn the enormous resources of American corporate media to the task of establishing the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism, which rests upon two, bedrock principles.

First, the past never happened and members in good standing of the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism will never have to worry about being held responsible for anything they say or do by other members of the Church. Members of the Church exist forever in an eternal, accountability-free state of "Now" in which whatever any of them wrote or said yesterday simply does not count today, and whatever they write or say today will not count tomorrow.  This is also known as The Beltway Iron Rule of David Brooks.  

Second, however badly and publicly Republicans may fuck up everything they touch, and however wild and unhinged their lies may become, nothing is ever exclusively their fault.  Everything is always the fault of Both Sides.  Or to mix it up a little. sometimes it's the Extremes on Both Sides. Or, frequently The American People are collectively responsible -- everyone, everywhere, equally.  

Overnight, the Church became wildly popular, and it is easy to understand why.  After all, down in the sanctuary, pudding-soft Centrist quislings could listen to endless homilies about how their cowardice was actually the loftiest form of "journalism" and their and cravenness was really the noblest kind of patriotism...

...while up in the bell tower, Republicans could pour as much rage and racism and paranoia and disaster on the world below as they liked, secure in the knowledge that the Church would forgive them because, really, wasn't the Left somehow equally to blame for all of that wanton destruction?

Of course while this was all happening, every Liberal in American was sounding every alarm that we could lay our hands on, warning anyone who would listen that creating an entire secular media cult dedicated to letting the same mob of unhinged Republican political arsonists off the hook for setting bigger and bigger fires over and over and over was going to lead very quickly  to some very bad consequences.  

But, of course, no one listened.  

And, of course, since the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism was founded on the principle of never acknowledging the consequences of anything its member say or do, they never saw Trump coming.  

Well now Trump is here.  And the sheer tonnage of the toxic stupid and fascistic crazy that comes belching out of the White House every single fucking day coupled with the sheer, unalloyed, amoral gutlessness of the Republican Party in the leering face of the unhinged lunatic it elected is putting a terrible strain on the rafters and load bearing walls of the the High and Holy Church of Both Siderism.  Huddled inside, terrified that their long-postponed Day of Judgement may finally be outside, huffing and puffing and getting ready to blow their Church down, the paid-in-full members of the faithful demand that someone step up and do, well, something

After all...


And into that breach steps...

...the usual suspects.

Exhibit A: Chuck Todd, host of NBC's Meet the Press...

video


NEERA TANDEN:  ...might add the further aspect of the lunacy which is you have senator after senator after senator -- Republican senators -- saying they don't want skinny BCRA.  They don't want it to become law, but they're going to vote for it. i mean, just think about that. we are at the end of this process. they have voted down multiple options, and now their way of getting to a bill is to vote for a bill which they've just said they know will increase premiums for millions of people.  20% increase in premiums. It's like..

CHUCK TODD:  You were at the White House when that was what the Democrats did. "Don't worry, we'll fix what you don't like in conference." and there never was a conference. 

NEERA TANDEN:  Oh, my god. We had a bill...

CHUCK TODD:  Understand that. No, no, no, and I'm not going to compare the two.  Because it's not -- you did hold hearings and all this stuff -- but you skimmed the conference too...

Exhibit B: Brian Williams, former anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and currently a bottom-rung-of-the-corporate-ladder-clinger who is so desperate to stay on teevee that he will do anything his bosses want him to do, including using the tattered scraps of his former respectability to prop up the crumbling edifice of Both Siderism no matter how obviously ridiculous it makes him look (h/t Crooks & Liars):


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Imagine that. We can all repeat the phrase "repeal replace, repeal replace" in our sleep. Heidi, one final word from you, when do the Democrats get off the bench and have to own part of this process?

As the inimitable and sexy Blue Gal points out:
Remember the old joke from Driftglass back in the Bush Administration? [ed.  Yes I do.  In fact, it is coming up on its 11th anniversary.  Jesus, these people.]

Dick Cheney is caught tossing flaming kittens at homeless veterans. What are the first three words out of Cokie Roberts's mouth?

"But the Democrats..."

And last night as Republicans alone tried to figure out how to keep a promise to take away health insurance from between sixteen and thirty-two million American citizens, including veterans, disabled children, and cancer patients like John McCain...

Brian Williams had to make absolutely sure that "but the Democrats" was added to the mix. Because

That.
Is.
His.
Job.
And Exhibit C was provided to me just now by MSNBC's own Hugh Hewitt -- America's Most Famous Cyborg Sent From The Future To Destroy America -- when he fixed his dead-robot eyes on the camera and declared that this final, abject failure of the GOP's Repeal-And-Go_Fuck-Yourself bill was...
"...the Democrat's worst nightmare."
No kidding.

Both Siderism is not just a blight on the land and not just the crutch that keeps the Republican Party limping along from catastrophe to catastrophe.  It is also corporate media policy, and as long as it remains corporate media policy, nothing will change.

And now the prosecution is plum worn out from hauling exhibit after exhibit up to the bench, so I'm gonna go have a little nosh, and then maybe have a some fun at the expense of David Brook's latest crime against journalism, and then record our 399th consecutive episode of The Professional Left Podcast.






Behold, a Tip Jar!



3 comments:

trgahan said...

At the very least, we'll be starting this all over again when the I-Drink-Your-Milkshake Budget moves through congress.

Wonder how often our media is going to let "fiscally responsible" Republicans pretend government budgeting is the same as humble, white, Christian rural families talking around the kitchen table.....when no one dares suggest daddy make a sacrifice or two, god damn it!

Dave McCarthy said...

Todd says "I'm not going to compare the two" ten fucking seconds after he compared the two.

VERY impressive.

Neo Tuxedo said...

Second, however badly and publicly Republicans may fuck up everything they touch, and however wild and unhinged their lies may become, nothing is ever exclusively their fault. Everything is always the fault of Both Sides. [...]

[...] Republicans could pour as much rage and racism and paranoia and disaster on the world below as they liked, secure in the knowledge that the Church would forgive them because, really, wasn't the Left somehow equally to blame for all of that wanton destruction?


You could've linked to "The Beast That Shouted Love at the Heart of the Congress with His Head up His Ass While Sucking His Own Balls" anywhere in any of those clauses and it would've been entirely appropriate. In fact, I'm actively surprised you didn't. Was it too much logrolling-in-our-time for you, given that you'd already quoted the LATBG?