Monday, May 01, 2006

Pumps Up


Ho’s Down.

GOP Gas-Holes are shocked -- shocked! -- to find that whores don’t actually like being treated like whores.

So file this under “P” for Pythonesque:
Biggles: No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.

Secretary: I've had enough of this. I am not a courtesan. (moves round to front of the desk, sits on it and crosses her legs provocatively)

Biggles: Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.


This from the NYT... (One jigger of emphasis added by me)


Sharp Reaction to G.O.P. Plan on Gas Rebate
By CARL HULSE and DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK
WASHINGTON, April 30 — The Senate Republican plan to mail $100 checks to voters to ease the burden of high gasoline prices is eliciting more scorn than gratitude from the very people it was intended to help.

Aides for several Republican senators reported a surge of calls and e-mail messages from constituents ridiculing the rebate as a paltry and transparent effort to pander to voters before the midterm elections in November.

"The conservatives think it is socialist bunk, and the liberals think it is conservative trickery," said Don Stewart, a spokesman for Senator John Cornyn, Republican of Texas, pointing out that the criticism was coming from across the ideological spectrum.

Angry constituents have asked, "Do you think we are prostitutes? Do you think you can buy us?" said another Republican senator's aide, who was granted anonymity to openly discuss the feedback because the senator had supported the plan.

Conservative talk radio hosts have been particularly vocal. "What kind of insult is this?" Rush Limbaugh asked on his radio program on Friday. "Instead of buying us off and treating us like we're a bunch of whores, just solve the problem." In commentary on Fox News Sunday, Brit Hume called the idea "silly."

...
The proposal would also give the executive branch new authority to set fuel standards for cars, an idea that will get a hearing in the House this week.

David Winston, a Republican pollster who advises the Senate Republican leadership, called the rebate an intuitive way to show voters that Republicans were on their side. "It is like putting the American family budget ahead of oil company profits," Mr. Winston said. "How do you help the American families out? Well, give them some money."

But disapproval started flowing in almost as soon as the idea surfaced, said aides in several Republican offices. One senior aide to a Southern lawmaker said the calls were surprisingly harsh. Some complained that the rebate would amount to only two fill-ups at the gas station.

Even though some voters have been outspoken in their opposition to the $100 rebate, Democrats still want credit for being the first to think of putting money back in taxpayers' pockets. A few days before the Republicans went public with their plan, Senator Debbie Stabenow, Democrat of Michigan, proposed a $500 rebate plan, a figure that she said was more commensurate with how much the higher gas prices will cost Americans this year.

Ms. Stabenow also criticized Republicans for linking the rebate to oil drilling in the arctic refuge.

Republicans know that drilling in the refuge "is highly controversial and not going to happen," Ms. Stabenow said. "I question their sincerity in putting this forward."
...


On some level, you gotta pity the GOP and on another level, it is to laugh.

$100 in cash is streetwalker coin.

It’s five $20s; something for a john to fold and drop on the dresser or toss on the bed while he zips up, mutters “Thanks, babe” and slinks away back home to wifey and Junior.

It’s “Here’s a hundy: now bend over and read what wrote on this cocktail napkin in your best dirty-schoolgirl-voice” and there was never a ghost of a chance it would ever be taken as anything else.

So why would the GOP think this was a good idea?

Habit.

Think about it.

The key to GOP rule isn’t especially arcane or mystical: The simple formula to these people grabbing and holding power has always been their willingness to relentlessly pimp and pander to the worst impulses of their base at the expense of the common good, national security, the Constitution, the environment and the economic health of the country.

And finally they’ve just gotten so accustomed to treating their rank-and-file like their own, private Comin’ Home To Glory Hole for the last 30 years (that’s Galilean Year. In Creationist Years, they have been ripping off their obtuse base for…let’s see…carry the seven…divide by the age of Noah…for about the last 3/100th of a second) that they've started to take their hoors for granted.

They have grown so dependent on the clockwork reliability of the pig people selling out their own children’s future on demand for the price of a tax cut or a flag-burning amendment, or gay-bashing ballot initiative that have forgotten there is still an art to negotiating for the horizontal charms of anyone.

That there is still a cardinal rule when you're ripping off the stupids: That you have to at least try to fake up some respect for the rubes as you fleece ‘em.

Even if it’s just an itty-bitty bit.

Even if you have to read through gritted teeth, off a cue card, squinting and mispronouncing every name.

Even if it’s just the chancred tail that works the alley outside the RNC.

Even if it's the same doughy redneck trailerbait that you’ve cranked your sin-riddled midnight goo into a thousand times before.

And so the moral of the fable is this: Just because they’re two-buck-electoral-cracksluts doesn’t mean you can insult them to their faces. Because in the end, even the lowliest Republican voter needs to pretend they still have some judgment and some pride and all those missing teeth are really a turn-on.

That they’re still purdy.

And no matter how hagged-out and morally repulsive they are in a clear light, in the forgiving glow of the Fox News logo they desperately want to believe they’ve remained enough of the coquette that they could still catch and hold your eye across a crowded Election.

And if you're dumb enough to cavalierly deprive them of that last, threadbare bit of fiction they draw around themselves to shield them from the ugly truth about who and what they really are, be warned:
They will bite your damned nuts off.

29 comments:

jurassicpork said...

All this does is show that, in the crunch time, the high and mighty GOP (GaGa Over Petroleum) is just as weak-kneed and powerless against a corporate behemoth as the Democrats are in the face of the bellowing elephant.

It, sadly, shows where the true power in this country lies, for those of us who've had our heads safely ensconced up our asses for the last 30 fucking years or so.

That said: Damn baseball and fulltime jobs. There's hardly enough time to blog, anymore, especially when the Yank Mes are in town. I hate posting stuff like this so late.

But better late than never. Especially if you're an Animal House fan.

Anonymous said...

I had not heard of this, until earlier today, Monday. And when I did, I didn't believe it, at first. Too fucking crazy. Too condescending.

After reaming america's ass like it was the "chunnel" getting bored out, here bush is, post-roto-rooter, offering to send us a fingerful of vaseline.

Please, Sor, could we have another?

Time for a presidential press conference, so "the decider" can tell the hard-working white house truthhounds, what decisions he's making on salvaging this Hinderberg-meets-the-Titanic venusian fire drill.

The teleprompter is loaded.

Junior smiles sincerely, and begins to read:

"Boola, Boola, pig's asshola!

Someone shit on my victrola!

Shit, corruption, vamint, snot!

24 assholes tied in a knot!

Yay, lizard-shit!


Thank you, and god bless amurka."

Anonymous said...

$100....

1-and-1/2 fillups (maybe), in a Mk IV Lincoln Fornicator PanzerKampfWagen.

What will the fundie 'tards say, when they're getting a 10 inch gas nozzle inserted up their asses:

"It's god's will; I just know it is..."?

Anonymous said...

what amazes me is that after 5 years of playing along ...
"oh, my you are sooo big!"
"sweetie, absolutely Nooooooooo ONE has ever made me sqeal like that before."
"Baby, you are the best!"
Horse SHIT these people have been spouting into the GOP ear... They are shocked...I mean SHOCKED that they could be treated like whores.
Truly amazing....

Anonymous said...

TWO hundred, then.

parsec

involuntaryjerk said...

absolutely beautiful. i would wish that you link to a list of the most influential books you have read to date. such inspired writing must have a regal background.

driftglass said...

involuntaryjerk,
Just lots of stuff, from Mark Twain to Harlan Ellison. Big fist's full of Poetry. C.S Lewis. Conan Doyle. Raymond Carver. Chick Tracts :-) Hunter Thompson. Porn.

parsec,
Same as in town. ka-CHING.

tanbark,
Thd perfect anthem for a one-time cheerleader @ Yale, now a white-knuckle Christopath.

Maybe if we all just lay hands upon the pumps and tell the demons of supply and demand and greenhouse gases to come OUT!

Anonymous said...

'i'm pretty!!"
"you're not THAT pretty!"
"i'm a baaad man.."
...

roxtar said...

This scam was right from the front of the politician's playbook...you can get anything you want (ANWR) if you attach it to a bill that gives the sheeple a shiny new dime. Remember how excited everyone was about their $600 tax rebate?

This was so stupid that the Dems didn't even have to come out against free money (which was what the Thugs wanted to happen.)

Anonymous said...

New bumper sticker sighted:

"Support the troops,
give them your Hummer."

PWhit said...

And lots of that 14 dvd set of monty pythons flying circus no doubt....

Anonymous said...

Si senor Bigglez.

PS. If you've finished with the lawn edger, could you pop it in the post?

dcnative said...

I see the new talking point today is "if Bill Clinton hadn't vetoed drilling in ANWR in 1996, we wouldn't be in this mess today."

Sigh. There is no direct route from ANWR to any of our refining facilities via any economically feasible route, so even if we DID, we'd just be selling oil to China as it's the closest, most lucrative port.

But no, the Dems will just let the Blame Clinton folks get away with this juggernaut of b.s.

They're laying low on the whole "the price of gas shot up within a few weeks, but it's all World Demand's fault, not Big Oil" argument too. Sigh again.

On a lighter note, when's the kegger for your having surpassed 1,000 spams above? I see they're leaking downward...

Anonymous said...

and lest we forget that these bastards are laughing at us, they propose to give us 100 to 500 dollars of our own money which would have otherwise gone to pay for silly things like social security and the like.

how do these creatures become completely shame-free?

Anonymous said...

There's going to be a kegger?

This is such a stupid idea, not the kegger!, but the $100.

I saw ?name? on Jon Stewart trying to explain the high price of gas. He kept asking about record oil company profits and crazy CEO benefits and such, and she just kept saying, "More demand. China. India."
He finally said something like, "You think I'm retarded, don't you?"
That's how we are all treated....like we're retarded.

Anonymous said...

Well, terry ...

THEY VOTED LIKE THEY WERE RETARDED IN 2004.

So I guess the confusion present in the "Movers and Shakers" about the average collective IQ of their sheep isn't all that surprising after all.

Anonymous said...

LScrow: Are you sure ENOUGH people voted like they were retarded? Don't forget the Elephascist Party's mastery of both digital and analog vote fraud.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn it!!! All this corrupt Rethug bullshit is making my head burst. Fuck 'em and damn them all to Hell! Today is The Godfather Of Soul's birthday and I'm gonna listen to "The (Big) Payback" all day, and gorilla-pimp-slap the taste out of the mouth of any George W. Bukake-War in Eyerak supporter that has the audacity to shape his lips to utter inanities in my vicinity.

"Give the drummer some!!!!!!"

Anonymous said...

DCnative; that's the long one.

Shorter republican talking point:

"BillClinton's penis-BillClinton's Penis-Bill'Clinton's-Penis BillClinton'sPenis..(repeat as needed; in fact, perpetually...)

Anonymous said...

drbopperthp:
I detect a note of disillusionment.

I'd suggest some Smothers Brothers, Barry McGuire, and a big helping of Dylan along with Mr. Brown.

You are NOT alone!

BitterHarvest said...

Ouch. WHen the GOP leaves its ass exposed so egregiously I know I can count on Drifty to take their full measure and plant his boot there.

Anonymous said...

Thanx for the smile Anon. As a kid growing up in Motown, I was a Smothers Brothers Show fanatic and I've got some McGuire and damn near everything "Dylan" (bootlegs included) that's available on my hard drive. Go figure!

It's good to be "NOT alone".

Doc Johnson said...

Even if it's the same doughy redneck trailerbait that you’ve cranked your sin-riddled midnight goo into a thousand times before.

Like butter. OMFG sometimes I read driftglass and it's like floating away on a cloud of snark. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Drifty. Koufax winner in 2007!

Anonymous said...

"Trailer Bait" and "Midnight Goo" would both be GREAT names for bands!

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Anonymous said...

"Can I Pay You With Paypal ? "

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