George Will Would Like To Sing "Daisy" For You

You may not know it, but two famous fictional villains sprang into existence in what urban planners refer to as the Champaign-Urbana Metropolitan Statistical Area, but what we Illinoisans know as Chambana.

There was, of course, the HAL 9000 computer, which became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois on January 12, 1992. Later, HAL would become dangerously insane and have to have his higher brain functions shut off.

The region's other famous fictional villain is Mr. George Fredrick Poppin' Fresh Will, who became operational somewhere in Champaign, Illinois sometime during the 17th century. He, too, would eventually become dangerously insane and have to have his higher brain functions shut off, at which point the Washington Post gave him a permanent position on the op-ed page, He can also occasionally be seen sharing his stories of the siege of Constantinople between stories about missing persons and stories about UFO on a thing called NewsNation, which is [checks note] station 13,432 on your cable teevee dial.

Because his higher brain functions are kaput, Mr. Will is only capable of repeating various climate denial mendacities, and the simple song he was taught back when he was but a barefoot boy, with cheek of tan.

 

And that song is called, Both Sides.

Both   Sides

Both   Sides

No other frame will do

I'm half crazy

From huffing Conservative glue...

Today's Both Siderist regurgitation takes this form:

Abracadabra! It’s the dueling Harris and Trump economic magic acts.

Between Harris’s price controls and Trump’s tariffs, this campaign is a travesty of economic policy.

Adding a dash of substance to her one-word political program (“Joy”), Kamala Harris says that as president she would tell the Federal Trade Commission to first define “excessive” price increases, then prosecute the living daylights out of the miscreants responsible for cornflakes costing (by some undisclosed metric) too much...

And this:

Harris, to whom the private sector is as foreign as Mongolia...

Then, at roughly one third of the way through the wordcount comes this:

Donald “Tariff Man” Trump’s Harris-esque contribution to this year’s magical beliefs expands upon his 2016 promise that Mexico would pay for his “beautiful” border wall. Now he says China, like all nations that export goods to the United States, will somehow pay the additional tariffs...

And this:

He also promises to cut energy costs in half — in 100 days or less. And the six-times-bankrupted financial wizard says he will lower auto insurance costs — details pending...

Then Will takes a moment to piss on anyone with a byline who has not immediately lined up to crucify he Harris/Walz campaign on a cross of hot-takes, anonymous slander and neg-vibes -- 

Today’s sophisticated journalists are unlike those hard-bitten, fedora-wearing journalistic skeptics in the Ben Hecht and Charles MacArthur play “The Front Page.” Their successors in today’s newsrooms have tumbled base-over-apex for Harris, she of hitherto hidden — very hidden — depths, and for the grandpa coach, paragon of “Midwestern values” that have suddenly smitten the press corps.

-- then wanders off, wondering aloud who is to blame for the fact that everything these days seems to smell of urine.  

I Am The Liberal Media