Chris Christie is Winning The Bulwark Primary

In case you missed it, on June 7, 2023, former New Jersey governor and failed 2016 presidential aspirant Chris Christie announced he was running for president.

Again.  

Because you're all so very smart, I'm sure all of you remember that Christie was Trump's first serious endorser in 2016, and was the political IED who cleared Marco Rubio out of the way in 2016 making Trump's nomination all but inevitable.  

And that is all Christie wants Republican voters to remember: that he was a big Trump guy in 2016, but that once he got a good look at him he realized how dangerous he was, and learned his lesson.

Except, of course, that's a lie.  Which is not surprising because Christie is a congenital Republican liar. 

The reason Christie caught COVID in 2020 and almost died was because Donald Trump lied about having COVID and gave it to Christie.  And the reason Christie was in such close proximity to Trump in 2020 was that Christie was Trump's 2020 debate coach.  

And did Christie vote for Trump in 2020?  

You're damn right he did.  From The Hill, October 20, 2020:  

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) confirmed Thursday that he voted for President Trump.  

Also this from Newsweek, November 23, 2021:  

Chris Christie Says He Will be First in Line to Support Donald Trump in 2024.  

Speaking about a previous interview on the topic, he said: "They asked me directly could I vote for Joe Biden and I said absolutely not.  I didn't vote for him in 2020 and I certainly couldn't vote for him in 2024."

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.  

I wanted to talk about how Chris Christie is running for president.  What sort of magic is he trying to weave that he hopes will be enough to snag him both enough friendly media to fuel his campaign, and enough Republican primary voters to clear the field of the rest of the pikers and pull him within killing distance of Donald Trump?

It's a campaign designed to appeal to the mainstream media and all the Never Trumpers who have colonized the media because it is rooted directly in their holiest of holy texts.

Can you guess what that it?

Here's a hint.  

When CBS's rapidly-aging-Sears-Boy's-Department-mannequin, John Dickerson,   covered Christie's announcement that he was running for president, this is what he said:

"Another candidate has launched his presidential campaign.  Former New Jersey governor and 2016 presidential hopeful Chris Christie started his campaign with a dig against the front-runner."

Then Dickerson ran a video that was very carefully cropped at this point.

Ooooh!  Christie came right off the blocks attacking Trump!  Cool! Fight! Fight! Fight!     

Except that is not where Christie started at all.

Instead he started here.  With (sing it with me now) Both Sides Do It:

Because for the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham! reprogrammable meatbags of the Republican base, simply going after Donald Trump as the corrupt, lying, racist, scumbag, fascist loser that he so manifestly is never gonna fly.  After all, everyone in that audience, including Christie, voted for that corrupt, lying, racist, scumbag, fascist loser.  Twice.

No, the reprogrammable meatbags of the Republican base need a reason why voting for that corrupt, lying, racist, scumbag, fascist loser wasn't their fault.  Why they really had no choice, because the Kenyan Usurper and the dirty commie Liberals were the OG Destroyers of Worlds ... and Killery Clinton was so much worse than Trump ... and Joe "The doddering Marxist puppet of AOC" Biden was so much worse than Trump ... that both Chris Christie and the reprogrammable meatbags of the Republican base had no choice but to vote for Trump, flaws and all.

Twice.

But now those reprogrammable meatbags have a choice!

Yay!

 A choice who will unite the nation... even though they're positive that every Democrat is secretly a dirty commie Marxist who wants to destroy Murrica.

This guy!

This corrupt slab of New Jersey political flotsam, who has a "Both Sides Do It" answer in his back pocket for every occasion.  Like, f'instance, mass shootings.

You might remember that almost exactly a year ago, Christie was on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" where, after Christie bragging about New Jersey laws already being tough enough on guns, Stephanopoulos by very gingerly touched on the current state of Christie's Republican party:

Stephanopoulos:  It does appear that there's been a hardening in the Republican Party around this issue. 

Then, out of Christie's Lie Hole came the voice of two decades of David Fucking Brooks.  The inevitable all-occassion, Beltway-media-authorized get-out-of-accountability-free excuse for every Republican atrocity:

Christie:  Well, I think there's been a hardening on both sides. I think it's just a constant symptom of where we are in the country right now. This is one issue that that's an example of but there are many others where people in each party have decided that there's no compromise here because there's no one on the other side willing to compromise and they say that about each other and point fingers both ways.

And this is sum total of all the courage that Stephanopoulos could muster.

Stephanopoulos:  Is this really a 'both sides' issue though? 

Then Christie filibustered for what seemed like hour, tossing out every turd in the Both Siderist Turd Bag.

Because Christie knows the Magic Conjure Words that bring all the pundits to the yard.

Which brings us to The Bulwark, and the full-body massage Christie just recieved from Charlie "I'll Never Forgive Chris Christie" Sykes, who took time away from his busy schedule of appearing on MSNBC every five minutes --

-- to make sure everyone knew that he had definitely forgiven Christie.

Which, of course, we all must now do, because somehow the enemy of my enemy is now my supervisor.

Won't bore you with the whole thing.  Instead we'll go straight to the inevitable razors in the apple that you had to know was there even before you hit "play".

Christie:  I think quite frankly the criticism of the justice department under Barack Obama and Eric Holder is apt.  I think they used it to go after their enemies and I think they used it to look the other way with their friends most particularly in the Hillary Clinton situation. 

Zero push back from Sykes because why would there be.  After all, this is the same trash Sykes used to traffick in back when he was the Rush Limbaugh of Wisconsin.

Christie: I think the idea of of saying that, y'know, Trump should have been given a pass on these obstruction charges and the document charges because Hillary wasn't prosecuted that does nothing to restore the rule of law. Because Eric Holder and Loretta Lynch and Jim Comey decided to abandon the rule of law doesn't mean that you're justified in abandoning it yourself.

Zero push back from Sykes.

Sykes then ask why the Republican party cannot quit Trump.

Christie: I think part of it is that there's been a divisiveness that's been  created in this country where people feel they have to wear their uniform 24 hours a day seven days a week and that

there can't be any objective evaluation of how people on our own team are doing or not doing.

Note the passive voice.  "Divisiveness" somehow come into being or its own accord.  Like El Nino or the next Transformers movie, "divisiveness" is a destructive forces of nature over which mere humans have no control.

And now, here it comes...  

Christie: And I think we see that in both parties quite frankly.  Because there really is no other explanation for the Democratic party being uniformly behind Joe Biden either. I mean every time you look at him you kinda know the guy's not up to the job but yet they stick with him.

Yeah.  That's the stuff.

Want more?  Well here you go.

Christie:  Because I think that the Republican base fears Joe Biden more than they are angry if Donald Trump were to lose the nomination.  I don't think there's any scenario under which this base, after how far Left Biden has gone in his tenure so far, would ever let him willingly become president.

Zero push back from Sykes.

Sykes: You've made it clear that you will not come around you will not support Donald Trump if he is the nominee.

Christie: That's correct

Sykes: Okay, so what will you do if he is the nominee?

Christie: Y'know, look, my guess is I probably wouldn't vote for president because I have to assume Biden's a nominee as well I couldn't vote for Joe Biden and so I probably would just skip that line on my, uh, on my ballot.

So, here we are.  And by the Iron Rule of Alliances that was drummed into my by all my Liberal betters, I now know that the enemy of my enemy is always my friend. under all circumstances, no matter how odious and out-for-my blood that "friend" clearly is.  And if I think otherwise, I'd best keep my fucking mouth shut because don't I realize that Our Democracy Is at Stake!!!

However, by the Commutative, Associative and Distributive laws of Alliances, to be a Good Liberal I'm pretty sure am now also required to sit down and shut up because somehow the second-cousin-(who-thinks-Joe-Biden-is-a-doddering-Marxist)-of-the-enemy of my enemy is now also my friend.

And if that is true, then I must also be required to remain seated and silent because somehow the-college-roommate-(who thinks Barack Obama was the real racist)-of-the-second-cousin-(who thinks Joe Biden is a doddering Marxist)-of-the-enemy of my enemy is now is now also my friend too.

And thus, as I warned long ago, if you give a Never Trumper an Ouchless Redemption Cookie even though they still hate you and everything you cherish...the next thing you know they'll have colonized the media.  

But don't worry your little Liberal head, because once they've colonized the media, you can trust that they'll never turn around and use those Ouchless Redemption Cookies -- which you gave them -- to try to absolve and rehabilitate a shitbag like Chris Christie.

Except sooner or later, of course they'll let Chris Christie waddle in.  Whereupon he will shit all over Barack Obama, call Joe Biden a senile Marxist and eat all the cookies.  

And fuck no, he won't vote for Biden if it's Biden versus Trump.  

And your job as an "ally" is to sit quietly and say nothing because, OMG, don't you realize that Our Democracy Is at Stake!!!

I Am The Liberal Media