Dear Savvy Pundits Who Learned Everything They Know About Chicago Politics From a Fast Glance at Wikipedia

Keep the name of my beloved former home out'cher goddamn mouths.

After a long disquisition about how different Washington D.C. is now than how she fondly remembers it five years ago...

[Note to self:  Remember to send Sara Longwell the complete works of George Pelecanos and David Simon.]

... we join Ms. Sara Longwell of The Bulwark and MSNBulwark sharing her deep political knowledge of Chicago with listeners.

Longwell: That's when you get change elections.  Now the one thing in this election in Chicago in particular...

Fairly sure the only thing Ms. Longwell knew about Chicago in particular before this was how much a whiskey sour will set you back at the O'Hare airport Jazz Bar.  

Longwell: ...in particular, it's clear they don't want HER.  But she had somebody running to her left.  And then there's, like, a Republican that won.

The last Republican mayor of the City of Chicago was "Big Bill" Thompson who served in that office from 1915 to 1923 and from 1927 to 1931, and was the loyal stooge of Al Capone, about whom I'm sure even Sara Longwell has heard.

At that time one could not get a whiskey sour at O'Hare Airport because, A) the Volstead Act would not be repealed by the 21st Amendment until 1933 and, B) O'Hare did not exist.  

At that time, that location was known as Orchard Place.  It later became a manufacturing site for Douglas C-54 Skymasters during World War II. And was not opened as a commercial airport until 1955, during the first term of Richard J. Daley, about whom I'm sure even Sara Longwell has heard.

Longwell: ...And then there's, like, a Republican that won.  And I guess my question is, is it possible Chicago elects a Republican mayor in this environment? 

No.  

For two reasons.  

First, Paul Vallas is not a fucking Republican.  He has run for many public offices in Illinois, and lost, as a Democrat, which is not exactly Curs'd Sekret Knowledge available only to the elect.  

Second, the GOP has been dead as Dillinger (look it up) in Chicago since forever.  The closest any Republican has come to the Fifth floor (look it up) was when when Harold Washington won the Democratic party's nomination  in 1983 and ethic white voters and 29 ethnic white Democratic alderman had a huge and openly racist freakout and fled in panic to a Republican cipher named Bernie Epton, whose campaign motto was "Epton: Before It's Too Late!"

In fact, The Professional Left did a whole, No Fair Remembering Stuff podcast about it here.   

Surprised the Bulwarkians didn't listen to it before opening their gobs.

Longwell: ...is it possible Chicago elects a Republican mayor in this environment? And I'm not positive that's the case.

Tim Miller:  Yeah, see if Brandon Johnson is the one you were talking about that was running to, I guess, her left.  And Vallas... is a... is not a Republican.  The guy won the most.  He's a Democrat, but I think...

Longwell: Oh he is?

Yes.  Yes he is.

Miller: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Longwell: I kept seeing people refer to him as a Conservative.  They must mean a Conservative Democrat.

Caution:  Deep political thinkers at work.

Miller: Yeah, this is the very online Libs, y'know, trying to smear him.  

Golly, recently-former Republican Tim Miller, why would you think accurately referring to Paul Vallas as a "Conservative Democrat" constitutes a "smear"?

Miller: No, um, he ran for governor as a Democrat, uh, he ran for lieutenant governor as a a Democrat.  So no, very, uh, very much a Democrat but, uh... look, I do think that the messaging about unions coming from him is maybe why he's sorta see this, oh if you...you wanna criticize the teacher's union or whatever then you're a Republican.  And so, uh, no, he...uh, ran as a Democrat back in 2002.  So it's been 20 years at lest he's been a Democrat...  

Then comes a life-preserver, as Miller swiftly if awkwardly pivots away from Mr. Longwell's embarrassing political ignorance, to a word salad of internet and tribal bubbles and such.

Miller: But look, I... I think that sometimes it's hard to tell, like in this... in this Surround-Sound information environment, like, what is real.  Like what is just... in my feeds.  Right?  Like, what is being blown out of proportion.  And I think that that breeds an idea a lot of times of people who are in one... their tribal bubble of being, like, no, this is bullshit. Right? Like, crime isn't really that bad.  

Miller then disappears into a cloud of words about Oakland, California, where he actually lives, to talk about politics there.  

And thus we leave "Republican" Paul Vallas and the Chicago election behind.

So how is it that a savvy political professional like Ms. Longwell knows nothing, and Tim Miller knows next to nothing, about the political and civil history of third largest city in the United States?  The home town of Barack Obama and practically the second home to Bill Clinton during his administration?  The engine that drives the entire midwest, including our big, blue state in a sea of red?  Y'know, the Land of Lincoln?  Where the first Republican president is buried?  Where we are currently being governed by the most popular Democratic governor in America?  

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd guess it's because Chicago isn't D.C. or NYC or L.A., and Illinois isn't California or Florida or New York.  And coastal elites like Miller and Longwell have no real interest in or understanding of those of us here in flyover country.

For relief from these recently-former Republicans projecting their talking points onto my former hometown, let us now turn to that other, weekly Bulwark podcast where...

...oh fuck my life.  

Never mind.  

Unless you're hungry to hear about how Paul Vallas represents the sort of Sensible Centrism to which all Democrats should aspire.  

Or how Brandon Johnson is a "perfect caricature" of crazy, out-of-touch Liberals.  

Or how this election will be a test for national Democrats to see if Sensible Moderates can wrest control of the party away from those crazy, out-of-touch Liberals.  

Or if it's been too long since you've heard a Conservative sneeringly resurrect the term "limousine Liberal".

If that's the content you're looking for...leave here immediately and never return.

'cause I don’t want nobody nobody sent. (Look it up)

I Am The Liberal Media