Saturday, May 11, 2019

Centrism Silver (™) May Be Right For You!

From the Fake Sponsor page of your favorite podcast...

Are you over 40 and terrified of taking a position on anything?  Do you hide under the sofa with your hands over your ears shouting “Both Sides Do It” anything happens anywhere?  Centrism Silver may be right for you!

Centrism Silver may react violently with alcohol and other medications.

If you are pregnant, or care about children, or health care, or the future generally, do not take Centrism Silver

Centrism Silver will be rendered ineffective when exposed to light or contrary information.  Please store it in an area away from light or contrary information exposure.

Some patients taking Centrism Silver have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake. These have included sleep-driving, calling friends and arguing about a Grand Bargain, writing David Brooks fan fiction and voting for Third Party candidates. Patients often pretend not to remember these events after the election when they discover how screwed they are.

Stop taking Centrism Silver if you experience sharp or crushing existential anxiety; sudden shortness of temper, sudden pain in the ass, sudden severe remorse vomiting, dizziness, or fainting; changes in vision statements; chronic Both Siderism, sudden unexplained purchases of books by Ben Sasse or Charlie Sykes; change in amount of urine produced, severe or persistent eye-rolling or difficulty swallowing basic historical facts.

Centrism Silver -- because figuring things out is just too damn hard!

Behold, a Tip Jar!


steeve said...

There's a new rule that you have to include the price of the drug in the ad.

mrmoshpotato said...

Thanks for posting this text. I hurt myself laughing when I heard you reading it a couple weeks ago.

Robt said...

Finally, An alternative drug to alternative drugs.

Centrists silver does not expose you to Anal bleeding.

As the drug "Fuckitall" does.
The long time side effect of Fuckitall has always been the ills that you take the drug for. To not support any dis tempered behavior in you politicians. It allows them and their ideals to take place and fuck you all.

Now it seems Centrists Silver allows you to support the political ideals to manifest in to reality of Fucking you all.

Thank you big Pharma..! Keep lobbying against Cannabis. If that every gets legalized, the competition will lead you to go with 87% opiods in your Centrists Silver, and Viagra in your Fucktiall and it will be cost effective.

bowtiejack said...

GREAT stuff!
I bow before you.

duquesne_pdx said...

See, there's customer service in action.
Thanks DG.