Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Fake War on Christmas Is Not Meant to Be Won

It is meant to be continuous.

From the WaPo:
Pope Francis is waging a war on Christmas. Christians should join him.

Donald Trump's version of Christmas has nothing to do with Christ.

Last week, Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly had good news for his viewers — the war on Christmas had finally ended. “We won!” O’Reilly declared.

What were O’Reilly’s metrics for measuring this great victory over the secularists who he saw as so hell-bent on ruining Christianity’s great feast? Simple: The number of stores using “Merry Christmas!” instead of “Happy Holidays!” has increased in the past decade.

But as O’Reilly noted, there are still some companies out there who won’t oblige with the victor’s demands that Christmas greetings be done the right way. Don’t worry, O’Reilly assured his viewers, there’s a new president in town, “and that’s bad news for them, because Donald Trump is on the case.”

Unfortunately for O’Reilly and Trump, there’s still one person they must defeat in this self-perpetuating war on Christmas. It’s Pope Francis, the 80-year-old leader of 1.2 billion Catholics across the globe.

“Christmas is a charade!” Francis said last year...

So it seems like the right time to haul out the traditional  Fake War on Christmas ornaments from 2005...

"My mission is to make it up to the North Pole before the 25th.

There's a Jolly Old Elf up there who's gone insane.

I'm supposed to kill him."

Then, later...
Evil Liberal: "Who are all these people?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Yeah, well... They think you have come to take him
away. I hope that isn't true."

Evil Liberal: "Take who away ?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Him. Saint Nick. The Big Elf. These are all his Helpers, as far as you can see."

Evil Liberal: "Could we, uh, talk to Saint Nick?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Saint. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a elf-toymaker in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you.

And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you on his lap, and he'll say do you know that “ant” is the middle word in Santa? If you can know who has been naughty and who as been nice when all about you are getting shitty toys and socks and blaming it on you…if you can trust your elves when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little elf, I'm a little elf, he's, he's The Claus, man.

I should have been a bag of remaindered WalMart Barbies being sold out the trunk of an El Dorado on a dead-drunk Sunday Morning on Maxwell Street -- I mean --
And finally, the tragic denouement.
"The ho-ho-horror. The ho-ho-horror..."


Robt said...

I understand after WWII was declare over when Japan surrendered. There were many japanese soldiers in remote areas that fought on because they did not listen to liberal media or they only listened to Alt Right Fake News.

Allow me to announce the Great America again news release.
President Elect Trump of the United States of America tweeted out that the War on Christmas is over and Trump-servatives are victorious.
Today in infamous fabulous history, Trump declares the War on christmas , "OVER".
Trump tweets out new decree, "you can now say Merry Christmas" greatly again.

We have the freedom to say Merry Christmas again. But lost the freedom to say happy Holidays. See how that works.

War is hell, and a war on Chritmas leaves us in hell.

dinthebeast said...

This is a little bit of what a war on Christmas really looks like:

-Doug in Oakland

Neo Tuxedo said...

I understand after WWII was declare over when Japan surrendered. There were many japanese soldiers in remote areas that fought on because they did not listen to liberal media or they only listened to Alt Right Fake News.

Fun fact: The last two of these Zanryū nipponhei laid down their arms in 1974, as I learned when looking up events of that year. The next-to-last of them, Hirō Onoda, surrendered his sword four days before the event that had me looking for a psychochronographic perspective on 1974 (Russell Hoban seeing the reconstructed "Legend of St. Eustace" in Canterbury Cathedral and having the idea that would become his novel Riddley Walker, which has begun to look like prophecy again).

dinthebeast said...

Neo Tuxedo: Riddley Walker! I have "arga warga" stenciled on the back of my guitar case... I learned about that book because it is mentioned in a King Swamp song: "Drop John's riding on his back..."

-Doug in Oakland

Robt said...

It only took One, President-elect Executive "Tweet" Order. For our unitary President to end the insanity and saving countless lives.
hail the !

As General BillO of the superior command. Aboard the battleship FOX. Accepted the surrender of the conquered. The Greatest photo op ever. The single greatest moment in history. We are all so blessed to witness it. Thank you president-elect.

So happy Christmas and a Merry Holidays (do I got that right? Can I say that now?).

Best to you each morning! No, that's the cereal slogan.
Merry Christmas.............

Would like to extend the good will because it seems we all may need it. There is one thing that hasn't finished in our 2016 Christmas classic.

Still here and not going anywhere for a while....

The Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come, also known as The Ghost of Christmas Future, sometimes The Spirit of Christmas Future or The Spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come, is a fictional character in English novelist Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol. It is the third and final spirit to visit the miser Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve. The spirit closely resembles the Grim Reaper.

----You know who I am talkin about..!

may Santa have brought you some anti rash ointment.

J.Tinker said...

Since 2013 Billo has been claiming Victory in the War On Christmas. Such declarations are usually followed up by a large Happy Holidays graphic with the FOX logo underneath. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened this year, too. He is such a pathetic hack.

Robt said...

Victory dances

President GW Bush flies onto Aircraft carries off the coast of Calif. to declare to the world< Mission accomplished".
Such a strong president....

President Obama cleans up the mess left over from the "mission accomplished gala".
No fanfare......

President-elect Trump sends out a Presidential (elect) Tweet order, "War on Christmas was victorious and great".

Making Americans so proud again. Like the Bush years. But louder and worse.......