Friday, April 08, 2016

David Brooks and The Dead Parrot Caucus


The great wheel turns...

On the first day of my 11th blogiversary fundraiser, the blogging gods brought Andrew Sullivan back from True Conservative Valhalla so he could go on teevee and say remarkably stupid things for my amusement.   

And on this, the last day of 11th blogiversary fundraiser,  the blogging gods have once again visited Mr. David Brooks in the night and "inspired" him to write what may be the most spectacularly ridiculous piece of Whig fan fiction in his long and profitable career of cranking out ridiculous pieces of Whig fan fiction.

The blogging gods are often cruel, but they are always entertaining.  

Today, Mr. Brooks imagineers out of thin air an entire army of public-spirited Reasonable Republicans who will infiltrate the Republican convention in July cleverly disguised as party hacks but then -- surprise! -- cast off their fake George Wallace noses and Pat Buchanan wigs just in time to rise as one! A veritable League of Extraordinary Whig Gentlemen! ("The Lincoln Caucus"):
Or they could choose the collective path.

This is the path that recognizes that the situation we’re in now is more like a parliamentary process than a presidential process. Even very small groups can have an amazing influence over big candidates who are trying to build a majority coalition. Think of the way small Israeli religious parties extract concessions from the much larger Israeli parties.

So I’m suggesting some number of delegates organize themselves into a caucus called the Lincoln Caucus. The Lincoln Caucus would not be an explicitly anti-Trump caucus or an anti-Cruz caucus. It would just be a caucus made up of delegates who are not happy with the choices currently before them.
Earth's mightiest imaginary Conservative heroes who will remake the GOP exactly as David Brooks wishes it to be:
The first thing the Lincoln Caucus would do is plant a flag for a different style of Republicanism. Members of the caucus would remind the country that there still are Republicans who believe in prudent globalism, reform conservative ideas to lift up the working class. There are still Republicans who believe in certain standards of polite behavior in public and pragmatic compromise.
And either save the party from ruin:
This process would bring the Trump and Cruz campaigns back toward the Republican mainstream. It would create a road toward party unity after one deal or another was reached. It might go some way toward heading off a general election debacle.

It would also create a democratic path toward a Republican nominee who is not Trump or Cruz...

Mostly, members of the Lincoln Caucus would stand up for the legitimate rights of the party. In our republican system, it is parties that choose nominees; not primary voters. Parties are lasting institutions that manage coalitions, preserve historical commitments, protect us from flash-in-the-pan demagogues and impose restraints on the excessively ambitious. The Lincoln Caucus would embody these legitimate institutional responsibilities.
Or, wait out the Trumpocalypse in David Brooks' Justice League World Headquarters and emerge from the rubble to lead the survivors towards a brighter, Whiggier tomorrow:
If the Republican ticket gets devastated in November, members of the Lincoln Caucus could say, “We stood for something different,” and they’d be in a good position to lead the rebuilding process.
Or, failing that, make their escape via Mr. Brooks' hot air balloon and settle on the Moon, which will be be very hospitable to their Whiggish ways once the King of the Moon is sufficiently placated:

But when I read it, in my head it sounded a lot like this...
Wealthy Shut-In Who Has Always Trusted David Brooks: Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?

David Brooks: What do you mean, miss?

Wealthy Shut-In: Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Brooks: Sorry, I'm on, uh, book leave until...whenever.

Wealthy Shut-In: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this party what I purchased not twenty years from this very boutique.

Brooks: Oh yes, the Republican Party. What's wrong with it?

Wealthy Shut-In: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Brooks: No, no, it's resting, look!

Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I know a dead party when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Brooks: No no sir. it's not dead. It's resting!

Wealthy Shut-In: Resting?

Brooks: Yeah, remarkable party, the GOP.  Ended slavery, don't ya know.

Wealthy Shut-In: 1865 don't enter into it - it's stone dead.

Brooks: No, no - it's just resting!

Wealthy Shut-In: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouts at Fox News) Hello Republicans! There are fascists and theocrats taking over the place!  Why don't you wake up, pretty party!

Brooks: (dashes off another column about the GOP "detoxifying their brand") There, it moved!

Wealthy Shut-In: No, it didn't. That was you pulling shit out of your ass!

Brooks: I did not.

Wealthy Shut-In: Yes, you did! (takes party by the scruff of the neck, shouts) Hello Republicans, Republicans (bangs it against the counter) Reasonable Republicans, wake up. Republicans. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead party.

Brooks: No, no. It's stunned.

Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That party is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not twenty ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long penis hunt.

Brooks: It's probably pining for Gerald Ford.

Wealthy Shut-In: Pining for Gerald Ford, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Brooks: The Republican Party prefers being laid back! Awesome party!  Very sensible!

Wealthy Shut-In: Look, I took the liberty of examining that party, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting upright in the first place was that you have been propping it up with bullshit columns for twenty years.

Brooks: Well of course I kept it propped up. Otherwise its, uh, awesomeness would have overwhelmed its basic Conservative humility and voom.

Wealthy Shut-In: Look matey this party wouldn't voom if you put four million  Eisenhowers through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Brooks:  It's not, it's pining!

Wealthy Shut-In: It's not pining, it's passed on. This party is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its Reagan. This is a late party . It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't been propping it up it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and gone to join the Know-Nothings. This is an ex-party.

Brooks: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

Wealthy Shut-In: If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.  And you've got to be rich.  Really, really rich.

Brooks: Sorry guv, we're right out of Republicans.

Wealthy Shut-In: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Brooks: (pause) I got a Whig.

Wealthy Shut-In: Does it talk?

Brooks:  Not really, no.

Wealthy Shut-In: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it!


Not much of a replacement at all.

Podcast will go up later today.

And the tip jar is open for business.


Yastreblyansky said...

Poor guy. He also only read halfway through the Nate Silver column that served as his sole source of information, and part of what he didn't read was the headline.

Nicest Dead Parrot riff ever!

Shana said...

Is it just me, or have they disabled comments over at the Times for this column?

Big Boppa said...

I just about lost it at "...pining for Gerald Ford".

Well played good sir!

TCinLA said...

Beautiful! My face hurt I was laughing so hard at the "Dead Party" routine.

dinthebeast said...

"There are still Republicans who believe in certain standards of polite behavior in public and pragmatic compromise."

Yes, DFB, there are. They are the wealthy, wealthy shut-ins for whom you are paid to excrete these fecalities into the New York Times. Keep reminding the ownership of their existence and perhaps they will keep paying you for your, uh, output...

-Doug in Oakland

Jimbo said...

I fear that DFB is becoming increasingly unhinged. Granted the GOP is an authoritarian oriented party (its rantings about freedom refer exclusively to the freedom to oppress Others) and they usually fall in line when ordered to do so but this election cycle seems different. The GOP's stranglehold at the state government level has allowed a thousand crazies, racists and misogynists to bloom egged on by hate radio and Faux News. However, it turns out that the "Establishment" is really not very expert at riding rabid Bengal tigers and DFB is flop sweating about the prospect of his party getting eaten. Yeah, I'm not feeling bad for him.

Neo Tuxedo said...

David Brooks' Justice League World Headquarters

Are you sure you didn't mean "David Brooks' Whig Hall of Justice" or "the Great Hall of David Brooks' Whig Justice League"? (Created from the cosmic legends of the Universe!)

Unknown said...

David f'ing Brooks has returned to his ongoing thesis that direct democracy is just too yucky and wouldn't it just be sooooo much better if we just let a cabal of wise, well-intentioned elites handle the big decisions?

Of course, the wise, well-intentioned elites Bobo has wanted to delegate authority to for the past 30 years is the supposedly sober and responsible GOP elite. And that merry band of marauding morons has turned every single fucking thing they've touched to shit during that time (all to the thundering applause of bootlicking sycophants like David f'ing Brooks).

That's why we're here living through the Trumpocalypse and Tailgunner Ted's Thundering March of Morons. Even the easily-duped, authoritarian-follower GOP base finally had enough of letting the clueless bunglers that make up the GOP elite lie to them and fuck everything up.

And, who coulda knowed (?) that the braindead lunatic base the GOP has meticulously cultivated into an angry army of demented dolts would be them? I'm reminded of the scene in the Simpsons when Wiggum is about to release a bunch of police dogs, which he had just mentioned he'd spent months torturing to make them angry, and they immediately jump out and maul him rather than go after criminals. That's almost exactly what 2016 has represented for the GOP. And it was Bobo's beloved cabal of Burkean thought leaders that played the part of Wiggum.

Unknown said...

To append to my just-submitted post, here's the youtube of Wiggum getting torn to shred by the dogs he tortured.

jim said...

* roflcopter.gif *

RUKidding said...

"Members of the caucus would remind the country that there still are Republicans who believe in prudent globalism, reform conservative ideas to lift up the working class. There are still Republicans who believe in certain standards of polite behavior in public and pragmatic compromise."

DFB needs to dream on & come up with a new different solution. This is the same old same old that he's been bleating for the past several weeks. There are no "reasonable " Republicans who are going to materialize like some kind of XMen super heroes to save the day.

DFB better watch out cuz those wealthy shut ins might finally get sick of the recycled dead parrots he keeps sharting out in these "columns." Hasn't he basically scribbled this same magical non solution several times now???

Boring pathetic repetitive and ridiculous.

MCPlanck said...

You have outdone yourself.

If the Republican party goes belly-up, does that mean the WP no longer needs a House Republican? And could that, finally, sent Brooks packing?

I think the utter destruction of the party of Lincoln and effective disenfranchisment of 45% of the country is a fair price to pay, if it means no more Brooks.

Fiddlin Bill said...

Next Week: How Yale can win the 2017 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship using three point set shots and ferocious dribbling.

Unknown said...

Pining for the Gerald Ford. Classic.

New_Damage said...

Strange. I've been listening to that sketch over and over for the last few weeks. It must have been a disturbance in The Force.

Richard T said...

I was thinking that if this were Britain, the whole farrago of the republican nominating production could be re-run as a pantomime - Cinderella comes best to mind. The two ugly sisters cast themselves as Trump and Cruz, their father, Baron Stonybroke, is obviously Reince Priebus, Cinderella is the republican party and Prince Charming is naturally Paul Ryan (although in Britain he would be played by a woman). The Fairy Godmother can only be David Brooks who comes on stage at the end, waves his magic wand, says and so Cinderella shall have Paul Ryan as the candidate and thus makes everything fine so they all can live happily ever after.

Unknown said...

Brilliant reworking of the Dead Parrot sketch!

The Kraken said...

I had to check whether I had read this post before when I was about halfway through. No, Driftglass is obviously brilliant and just putting a new spin on the same DFB nonsense.

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