At The GOP Debate: This Is Not A Good Town For Psychedelic Drugs -- Final Round

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth, but nobody should be asked to handle this trip."

-- Hunter S. Thompson, writer

Your Players on the Main Stage:

Donald "Victor Von Doom" Trump
Ben "Past Sell-By Date" Carson
Ted "Failgunner" Cruz
Marco "The Perky One" Rubio
Jeb(!) Bush
Carly "Babies-N-Gravy Saleslady of the Month" Fiorina
Chris "Bridge Troll" Christie
John "3/4 Scale Scott Walker-Shaped Man Pillow" Kasich (h/t Athenae)
Rand "Running Man" Paul

Your Players back in the Crazy Uncle ALL CAPS Karaoke Lounge:

Mike "God and Man at IHOP" Huckabee,
Rick "Don't Google It" Santorum,
Lindsey "Play Misty For Me" Graham
George "Don't Let 'Em Get Me Like They Got Jindal!" Pataki  

Your Interlocutors:

Wolf Blitzer (CNN)
Dana Bash (CNN)
Hugh Hewitt (Hate Radio)

A few random remarks from the loser's table before I make dinner for the family:

Graham: I'm tired of beating up on Bush,  I miss that incompetent, lying, dry-drunk halfwit.  If he were running things, the Mideast would be a fucking paradise by now.   I wish he was behind me right now.  Surging.  Surging hard.   Yeah!  Yeah!  Who's your daddy, Goober!  Who's your daddy!

(Other panelists look away in embarrassment)

Graham:  Obama and Saul Alinsky invented ISIL in the basement of the White House.

Graham:  President "Buttercup" is a sneering jackbooted tyrant who also and inexplicably lets everyone walk all over him.

Pataki:  I will arm the Ukranians with terrible weapons and set them against the Great Bear.  I will blow Russian planes out of the sky if they cross me in Syria.  Don't worry; they'll back down.

Graham:  America was awesome until Obama came along.

Graham:  The American military was awesome until Obama came along and wrecked it.

Pataki:  Chicks in combat.  Sure.  I'm cool with that.

Santorum:  Chicks in combat are icky.

Pataki:  Gitmo!  I call "Gitmo"!

Huckabee:  The government should pay your ransom is someone kidnaps your kid, but they don't.  You have to pay your own ransom because Obama.

I am reminder of this quote from "Dune":

"[A] drowning man who climbs on your shoulders to save himself is understandable– except when you see it happen in the drawing room.”  -- Paul Muad'Dib

Or in a debate.

Big Table Round I:

CNN goes straight-up pro-wrestling Fear!Fear!Fear! with a full, Michael Bey soundtrack in their introduction.

In a world full of killer Muslim robots from space who want to make your kids gay. 

Now, please rise for our National Anthem...

Must.  Ration.  The.  Whiskey.

Paul: Stop being afraid.  Don't censor the internet or topple dictators or arm bad people.  Quit acting like fraidy-cats.

Well put, Rand.

Kasich:  Turn the damn music down.  Politics is too loud.  We need to unify Murrica!

Well put,  next-guy-to-drop-out

Christie:  Obama and Clinton have betrayed Murrica because some asshole who didn't want to take their English exam called in a bomb threat in Los Angeles.

Well, there goes the Great Unification

Fiorina: Take our country back from bombastards and insulters.  I've had breast cancer.  I have ruined whole companies.  Media.  Ooga Booga.  Librul Elite.  Ooga Booga.

Bush: Hey look! I rehearsed four sentences that all start with the word "under".  Will you love me now, Daddy?

Rubio:  I used to sit a few miles from here with my grandfather who taught me to smoke, count cards and lie like a motherfucker.  Also Obama hates Murrica.

Cruz: We are at war and Obama won't say the Majyk Conjure Words which will win that war.  Keep Murrica safe.  Kill.  Destroy.  Stomp.  Political correctness.

Carson:  A moment of silence.  We are always at war.  I used to have to diagnose things.  Now Murrica is dying of Political Correctness.

Trump:  Hey Jeb, watch me start three sentences with "building".  Bite my ass, loser.  People love and respect me.

Blitzer:  Fear, Fear, Fear.  This will be the focus of tonight's debate.  Trump, don't you want to wall off America?

Trump:  Our country are out of control.  People have ISIS phone plans.  No more.

Blitzer:  Why is Donald Trump unhinged?

Bush: We need to go after the caliphate.  Donald is a Chaos Candidate.  And he'd be a Chaos Candidate.

Trump:  All I want to do is Make America Great Again.  Jeb is a loser.  He doesn't really think I'm unhinged.  He's just desperate and sad.

Bush: No I'm not no I'm not no I'm not!

Rubio:  Obama betrayed Murrica, of course.   ISIS is the most sophisticated terror group in the history of everything, including SMERSH and KAOS.

Hewitt:  Why is Donald Trump nuts?

Cruz:  Donald said what he did because Obama is in league with terrorists to kill your kids and/or make them gay.

Hewitt:  Is this the country Reagan wanted?

Fiorina:   I nuked an entire company and got paid millions to do it.  I'm Reagan's wet dream.  I can do anything.  I promise to bring all my SnapChat experience to the NSA.

Blitzer:  People are terrified because some douchebag called in a bomb threat.  Can you see my raging ratings-boner from here?

Christie:  Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have betrayed Murrica.  You're all gonna diiiiiieeeee unless we stop Hillary Clinton from working with Saul Alinsky to hand the country over to terrorists.

Kasich:  We need people on the ground.  We should watch stuff.  Also climate change is gay, amirite! 

(applause)

Bash:  Don't you think it should be easier to spy on Americans?

Cruz:  Sure.  Also the Obama loves punishing law-abiding citizens when terrorists kill Murricans.

Rubio:  Hey Jeb, watch me start three sentences with "With the ability...".

Cruz:  I call "Alinsky" on you!

Rubio:  Maybe you don't wanna show your ass on national teevee, punk.

Paul:  Marco gets it completely wrong.  Also he wants to let terror babies overrun our country.   And I'll see Cruz's "Alinsky" and raise you a "Schumer"!  And not that funny, potty-mouthed lady Schumer either.

Paul:  Marco is not very bright.  He doesn't understand complicated stuff so let me explain it v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.

Christie:  People "debating" stuff is fucking insane!  The American people don't care about thinking about stuff.

Carson:  I'm still here.  And we need to watch everyone doing anything that makes me feel icky.  Muslim brotherhood said that "We will use Political Correctness to kill them all!"

Bush:  If we try to do this on our own we will fail.

True.

Bush: I haz a plan.

Fiorina:  Wolf, I will now ignore your question and talk a little technobabble to bamboozle the rubes.  Parents check their kid's SnapChats all the time but suddenly we're queasy about the gummint reading people's email?  Please.  Also the gummint always sucks and the Obamacare Website was a disaster.

Yay!

Trump:  I will shut down the bad parts of the internet.  But we will keep the hot, lesbian sexy parts.

Kasich:  Encryption is a bitch, Wolf.  A big, gnarly bitch.

Wolf:  How would you fight this war?  Would you wipe out Raqqa, a specific city.

Cruz:  I'd bomb the shit outta stuff.  Bombs work.  Barack Obama and political correctness are killing us.  Obama is ISIS's big, gay cheerleader.  He doesn't give a shit about this country.

Rubio:  Bombs are great, but we need vast armies of Sunni's.  And our air force is now basically Sopwith Camels being flown by drunk janitors.  Thanks Obama! And thanks Ted Cruz for helping to destroy America's military.

Cruz:  Marco is a lying son-of-a-whore who loves Hillary Clinton more than God himself.

driftglass:  Why won't the Liberal media report on Cuban-on-Cuban crime?

Trump:  I will be firm with the families of terrorists.  Firmly kill them.  

Bush:  I will now use the word "serious" six times.  Have I won yet, Mommy?

Trump: I will now use the word "toughness" and "strength" a hundred times and bury your weak ass.

Bush:  You will not be able to insult your way to the White House (cue the establishment seat-fillers Jeb(!)'s  million have hired to cheer for him.)

Hewitt:  Why are you, Ben Carson, objectively in favor of killing innocent children?

Wow.  Crowd boos.  Doesn't matter.  Hewitt lives on a diet of hate.  

Bash:  Do you, Senator Paul, think members of your own party have fucked up the region?

Paul:  Basically, yes.

Good answer.

Blitzer:  Arab nations want nothing to do with your nutty neocon claptrap.

Rubio:  Because of...Obama!

Fiorina:  We need a commander-in-chief who has the executive ability to wreck companies and get rich thereby.  Also,  Margaret Thatcher was a woman.

Christie:  Folks on this stage have participated in the fuckups they're now bitching about. Also...Obama has ruined everything!  Have any of these people ever ruined an entire state? No! Shut down a major bridge out of political pique?  No!

Round Two:

Cruz: Obama,  Hillary and "some Republicans" have screwed everything up.

Cruz:  Obama,  Hillary and "Washington Republicans" ruined everything and Bebe Netenyahu agrees with me.

Kasich: Assad has got to go and somewhere there are some moderates I'm pretty sure,  who will help us.

Trump:  We pissed away $4 - $5 trillion in stupid wars that we could have spent on roads and bridges.

Fiorina:  That's just what Obama said.

Fiorina:  Who got everything wrong?  Hillary Clinton...

Trump: Ben Carson is a great guy who agrees with me about gettin' the oil.

Bush:  Getting rid of Saddam Hussein was a great idea.  Barack Obama ruined everything.  He destabilized the whole region.

Cruz won't shut his pie hole.  And not in a good way.

Trump:  We can't fight everyone at the same time.

Christie:  Obama is a sock-puppet of Iran.  They're gonna kill us all Hugh!

Paul:  I know this sounds nuts coming from a fan of Ayn Rand, but we need a realistic foreign policy and not a policy run by neocon nuts.

Blitzer:  Would you still tell Vlad the Putin to shaddap?

Fiorina:  I never said I wouldn't communicate with Putin (yes you did).  Also Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama invented ISIS by stabbing us all in the back (applause).

Christie:  I'm from New Jersey so I'm going to start blowing Russian planes outta the sky on Day One if Putin looks at me cross-eyed.

Paul:  If you want WWIII, Chris Christie is your guy.  A guy who'd shut down a bridge because of a tantrum.

Bush:  I know what I don't know.  I'll get a strategy.  I'll rebuild our military which Barack Obama has ruined.  The Armed Forces Radio is using tin cans and string.

Trump:  Jeb is a weakling and CNN are punks for using me to build their ratings.

Bush:  You're being insulting.

Trump:  And you're at 3%.

Kasich: Stop it!Stop it!Stop it!  This fighting is tearing us apart.

Carson:  The less qualified a person is, the better they'd probably be as president.  I build things. Lotsa things.

And now, Immigration...

Cruz:  Reagan.  Mmmm.  Flavor country. Just say the word. "Reagan".  Some people choose to stand with Chuck Schumer.  And Hitler.  The Rubio/Schumer/Hitler strategy is flawed and evil,

Rubio:  I'm puzzled as to why Ted "Amnesty" Cruz keeps pretending that he never did what he obviously has done.

Fiorina: Stop it!Stop it!Stop it!  This is why no one trusts professional politicians and Cubans.

Trump:  Walls work.  Also bwahahahahah!  I live in these people's heads.

Bush:  Heroin is too easy to get.  Also all of our good American heroin distribution jobs are being taken by immigrants.  And cops need to be trained to do...law enforcement?  And if we get stuff right we can get stuff right.  And, of course, the real problem is... Barack Obama.

Carson:  We need to decide better decisions.

Rubio:  If we can't guarantee that not even one bad person will ever get in then we need to shut the whole thing down.

Round Three:

Fiorina:  I have bought many dresses in China, so I know I can force them to contain North Korea.

Carson:  North Korea owes me $5.  If we can use our oil correctly, we can use North Korea to tricksie-trick Putin.  Also our submarines are very old.

Christie:  Cyber-warfare?  I would totally fuck up China on Fallout Four if they screwed with me. Also, let me repeat, Obama and Clinton have betrayed Murrica.

Bush:  Emails!  What about those Hillary emails!  Yeah, that'll do the trick.

Hewitt:  Which of the legs of our nuclear triad is more fucked up than the others?

Trump:  Global warming is bullshit.

Rubio:  Our planes are old.

Bash:  You said Ted Cruz is nuts.  What about it?

Trump:  Senator Cruz is awesome.

Bash:  Senator Cruz, you bashed Donald Trump as a looney tune in private.  What about now, in public?

Cruz:  Reagan beat the commies!  Also ISIS and Iran.

Bash:  But...but...

Hewitt:  Will you, Donald Trump, run as a Republican?

Trump:  Sure.  I'm awesome.  And I'll beat Hillary Clinton.

Carson:  Reince Pubis [yes, that's how he pronounced it] tells me that no one is going to screw with me, so I'll party with you all for awhile longer.

Final Round: 

Paul:  Republicans spend money on war.  Dems spend it on the Poors.  Fuck 'em both!  John Galt roolz!

Christie: I would like to remind you for the 177th time that I was a federal prosecutor. 

Fiorina:  I too remember 9/11. I ordered my staff to back up their hard drives.  It's called "leadership" people.  We need to unify our party behind the goal of putting my failed ass in the White House.

Bush:  Ask yourself, do you trust Hillary and Obama?  And now I will stutter my way through a half-assed closing statement that I spent a week memorizing.

Rubio:  Once upon a time...there was a country...where new greatenesses were great and greatness was given greatly by greater greats than now.  

Cruz:  I have many nouns.  Reagan!  Obama wants to kill us all.  Also Reagan!

Carson:  My mom said I can be president.  Don't make my mom a liar.

Trump:  We don't win anymore.  Nothing works.  We will win again.

Conclusion:

Who won?  Cruz and Rubio punched each other up pretty good. Paul locked down all 11 isolationists left in the Republicans, Carson was calmly ethereal and might tick up a few points and Bush may also pick up a pity point or two, but the non-Trumps are all picking each other's pockets and wiping their noses on each other's shirttails.  

In my opinion Trump won using the most basic yardstick of political victory: setting the agenda and forcing everyone else to fight over the scraps from your table.

To quote the late Dr. Thompson, Trump is "one of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

God help us all.