Tuesday, December 31, 2013

George Will Takes Lemons

And makes himself one of them lemon-powered unicorn dealies to fly him to the Moon.

Which, based on Mr. Will's firm grasp of 18th century science, is a fine place with a temperate climate, low taxes and populated entirely by voluptuous, non-uppity Moon Maidens who are only too happy to bring a virile Earth man like George Will a drink and rub his feet after a hard day behind the keyboard battling Liberals and Science:
The prophet Al Gore has given many hostages to fortune, and this year fortune shot another of them. In 2008, he predicted the North Polar ice cap would be gone “in five years.
Sadly, Moon Maidens and their tempting cocktails will have to wait, because virile Earth man George Will is quite busy making his Year End Pronouncements!  And lest you think Mr. Will is some kind of doddering Paleoconservative buffoon who has expended all of his virile Earth wisdom mocking Liberal Al Gore (who is also fat!) for not accurately predicting the exact date of a specific event which is part of a centuries-long, staggeringly-complex process of global climate change, think again!  Mr. Will's has plenty of machismo in reserve to brutally take down a website advertising graphic!  Pee-len-ty!
In 2013, the face of progressivism became Pajama Boy, the supercilious, semi-smirking, hot-chocolate-sipping faux-adult who embodies progressives’ belief that life should be all politics all the time — come on, everybody, spend your holidays talking about health care. He is who progressives are.
Thus says virile Earth man George Will.
Whose entire life is all politics all the time.
And who is spending his holiday column writing about health care.

But Mr. Will is not just about yelling at clouds and putting Liberal website graphics and Science in their place.  Not at all!  For example, virile Earth man George Will has a tender spot for hero Conservatives who are doing heroic, Conservative things like smashing evil labor unions:
 In Wisconsin, as a result of Gov. Scott Walker’s emancipation legislation requiring annual recertification votes for government workers’ unions and ending government collection of union dues, more than 70 of 408 school district unions were rejected.
Finally, Mr. Will is also a man of humor, who is not afraid to laugh at the trifling concerns of lesser beings who might find the ugly legacies behind the names of some of our country's sports franchises to be offensive:
Finally, a regularly recurring fever of progressive indignation about the name of Washington’s professional football team again waned without success, which means Oklahoma will not have to change its name. “Oklahoma” is a compound of two Choctaw words, “okla” meaning people, and “homma” meaning red.
Silly, progressives!  

If only they would heed the wise words of virile Earth man George Will they would understand that native Americans were a cheerful and noble people, who were only too happy find their proper place in White American culture bringing virile White men cocktails and soothing their brows after a hard day battling Spaniards and Subduing Nature.

"Nature", which is a compound of two Conservative words, "Nat" meaning lemonade and "ure" meaning unicorn.


jim said...

Safe to say that Will's fans among the Inuit & Micronesians are few & far between.

Anonymous said...

"The fop was a stock character in English literature and especially comic drama, as well as satirical prints. He is a "man of fashion" who overdresses, aspires to wit, and generally puts on airs, which may include aspiring to a higher social station than others think he has. He may be somewhat effeminate, although this rarely affects his pursuit of an heiress....."

See: George Will, David Brooks, Tom Freidman....

See also: Manure. Combination of the the english word "Man" and the acronym "unrecoverable read error"

Geese Howard said...

I want to know what the fuck is with Republicans and bow ties? I've never worn one unless it was with a tux. Yet these fuckers seem to wear them all over the place.

There are two acceptable ways to wear a bot tie. The first is that you are a normal man and in a tux. The second is that you are bald, tall, built like a brick shit house, with an old timey mustache and style. The sort of bear wrestling, car pulling, macho man of old.

What the fuck is with all these old mousey looking guys wearing them in sport jackets?

Neo Tuxedo said...

Geese, you forgot the third acceptable way to wear a bow tie; that you are Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor.

George Fwill, obviously, is not Matt Smith. In fact, over in the Better Universe, I'm pretty sure he's the dean of American sportswriters, having quit the field of politics in the early 80s after being shamed by the Liberal Media (which they actually have over there) when he became known for writing editorials praising Reagan campaign speeches he had himself written.

Anonymous said...

George Will is Giles the

Horace Boothroyd III said...

George Will is Giles Goat Boy?

Is that what you're saying?

I would not have thought of that on my own, but now that you bring it up...