Little Did I Realize Back in 2005

That there would ever come a day to when a post about papal paper handling would become relevant again.

Apparently I was wrong:

Pope Benedict XVI’s leaked documents show fractured Vatican full of rivalries

By Jason Horowitz, Published: February 16

Vatican City — Guests at the going-away party for Carlo Maria Viganò couldn’t understand why the archbishop looked so forlorn. Pope Benedict XVI had appointed Viganò ambassador to the United States, a plum post where he would settle into a stately mansion on Massachusetts Avenue, across the street from the vice president’s residence.

“He went through the ordeal making it very clear he was unhappy with it,” said one former ambassador to the Vatican, who attended the Vatican Gardens ceremony in the late summer of 2011. “And we just couldn’t figure out, us outsiders and non-Italians, what was going on.”

There was no such confusion within Vatican walls. Benedict had installed Viganò to enact a series of reforms within the Vatican. But some of Rome’s highest-ranking cardinals undercut the efforts and hastened Viganò’s exile to the United States.

Viganò’s plight and other unflattering machinations would soon become public in an unprecedented leak of the pontiff’s personal correspondence. Much of the media — and the Vatican — focused on the source of the shocking security breach. Largely lost were the revelations contained in the letters themselves — tales of rivalry and betrayal, and allegations of corruption and systemic dysfunction that infused the inner workings of the Holy See and the eight-year papacy of Benedict XVI. Last week, he announced that he will become the first pope in nearly 600 years to resign.

...

And thus, almost against my will and better judgement,  I find I must repost this.
The power of Christ compels me!

For too long, the nation has cried out 

...for a new tongue twister.

For too long we Children of the Innovation Age have had to soldier on into the digital future with the antique wordplay of a bygone, sepia-toned analog era. A time of band concerts and whale-bone corsets. Of hand-cranked ice cream and honorable Republicans.

Well times have changed.

Now iPods come with penis sleeves and vaginal spelunking adapters in every designer color. And the latest generation of memory-plastic credit cards with new Mammon chip-sets don't even need you anymore; they can actually drive you into penury all by themselves. And yet we still make do with yesterday's rubber bumpers of baby buggies and seashore seashell selling without surcease. Skimping by with the same succession of consonantally similar sounds that rumbled West across the continent in Conastogas our great-grandfathers.

This was not the Glorious Tomorrow we were promised!

Well I have heard your lamentations, and although I am just one man, alone, with a cat biting my foot while I watch 1-minute-internet-porn teasers cut together like the “Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite” sequence from "2001"...I have nonetheless done my best to meet this need head on.

Ahem.

The pope procured a proper purple Papal paper stapler to staple proper purple Papal paper.

Thank you.