King Canute, Now More Than Ever

In my wildest dreams, I never would have guessed back when I wrote this in 2005 -- 

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That was, like, years before Thomas Edison founded America. Back when people only lived to, like, twenty, and all anybody had was crappy DOS apps on IBM PS/2’s.

Ahem. To continue...

Canute II, son of Sweyn I, became King of England (except swingin’ London) by (re)conquest. He took London in 1016. He was also King of Denmark and Norway, creating a North Sea Empire, which fell apart after he died in 1035.

Dead guy? Dead white guy? Dead-and-buried-nearly-a millennium white guy has what to do with voting here and now?

Patience.

Canute has gotten kind of a bad name, but he was a smart guy who knew the limits of power. His biggest problem seemed to be that his court was as thick with toadies and flatterers as Fox News..

Every time he walked into a room, it started up.

"You, sir, are the greatest human that ever walked upright," 1,000-year-ago-Brit-Hum would drool.

"Who, anywhere, can match you, my liege in sheer noble wisdom?" 1,000-year-ago-Chris-Matthews would wheeze.

"Oh Majesty, you have the finest ass in all the land!" 1,000-year-ago-Ken-Mehlman would squeal. “It is all of that speedy pedaling past traitors on your Royal Schwinn that had kept your glutes so magnif-alicious.”

But unlike our own vain and shallow Dauphin, Canute wasn’t a weak and hollow man and didn’t sustain himself by sopping up the sickly syrup of asskissery with a biscuit and demanding seconds.

He wasn’t buying any.

This rest from an online site that was good enough to write this down...

"So you say I am the greatest man in the world?" he asked them.

"O king," they cried, "there never has been anyone as mighty as you, and there never be anyone so great, ever again!"

"And you say all things obey me?" Canute asked.

"Absolutely!" they said. "The world bows before you, and gives you honor."

"I see," the king answered. "In that case, bring me my chair, and we will go down to the water."

"At once, your majesty!" They scrambled to carry his royal chair over the sands.

"Bring it closer to the sea," Canute called. "Put it right here, right at the water's edge." He sat down and surveyed the ocean before him. "I notice the tide is coming in. Do you think it will stop if I give the command?"

His officers were puzzled, but they did not dare say no. "Give the order, O great king, and it will obey," one of then assured him.

"Very well. Sea," cried Canute, "I command you to come no further! Waves, stop your rolling!. Surf, stop your pounding! Do not dare touch my feet!"

He waited a moment, quietly, and a tiny wave rushed up the sand and lapped at his feet.

"How dare you!" Canute shouted. "Ocean, turn back now! I have ordered you to retreat before me, and now you must obey! Go back!"

And in answer another wave swept forward and curled around the king's feet. The tide came in, just as it always did. The water rose higher and higher. It came up around the king's chair, and wet not only his feet, but also his robe. His officers stood before him, alarmed, and wondering whether he was not mad.
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Understand I do not give a single fleck of amoeba poo what a person wants to believe personally, as long as you keep your personal Flying Spaghetti Monster rituals confined your own, private living-room Sacred Pasta Altar.

It’s when you bring it out into the public square – when you try to make it law – that you can expect me and 50 million other citizens to call bullshit on you.

And King Canute to belt you upside your numb skull with a 2-by-4 of 1,000-year-old English Oak.
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-- that the story of King Canute would leap clean out of the realm of metaphor and straight into literal, Republican public policy.

From the "Scientific American" blog:

NC Considers Making Sea Level Rise Illegal

By Scott Huler May 30, 2012

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These are hard days, people are crazyish, and you just have to soldier on, right? But then it turns out that North Carolina legislators are now tossing around bills that not only protect themselves from concepts that make them uncomfortable, they’re DETERMINING HOW WE MEASURE REALITY.

In a story first discussed by the NC Coastal Federation and given more play May 29 by the News & Observer of Raleigh and its sister paper the Charlotte Observer, a group of legislators from 20 coastal NC counties whose economies will be most affected by rising seas have legislated the words “Nuh-unh!” into the NC Constitution.

Okay, cheap shot alert. Actually all they did was say science is crazy. There is virtually universal agreement among scientists that the sea will probably rise a good meter or more before the end of the century, wreaking havoc in low-lying coastal counties. So the members of the developers’  lobbying group NC-20 say the sea will rise only 8 inches, because … because … well, SHUT UP, that’s because why.

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Anyone want to bet that each and every member of the developer's lobbying group is a God-fearin' Christian who knows that, in the end, Jebus will save them.