Voting Them Off The Island

Remember this map?

Well, everyone has an imaginary scenario, so here's mine.

The Obama Administration announces next week that since the GOP refuses to participate in good faith in the actual work of governing the United States, in order to avoid defaulting on our national debt and sending the world into a global financial meltdown, the Administration would accede to Republican demands that all deficit reduction be accomplished solely by making radical cuts to existing government programs with no increase in taxes.

However, in the spirit of the Time Honored Conservative Principle of Federalism, the President adds that the cuts would not be allocated programmatically, but geographically by state.

Using a CBO-updated version of the map originally provided by "The Fourth Branch" in 2010,

cuts will be allocated based on the status of each state's overall contribution to the federal budget.

Fourth Branch explains:

The red states in the map [above] are states which received more than $1.00 in federal money for every $1.00 in taxes paid by residents of that state. Blue states are states which received less than $1.00 in federal money for every $1.00 paid by residents of that state in taxes (information from a 2005 study by the Tax Foundation).
...

There is a very strong correlation, then, between a state voting for Republicans and receiving more in federal spending than its residents pay to the federal government in taxes (the rust belt and Texas being notable exceptions). In essence, those in blue states are subsidizing those in red states. Both red and blue states appear to be acting politically in opposition to their economic interests. Blue states are voting for candidates who are likely to continue the policies of red state subsidization while red states are voting for candidates who profess a desire to reduce federal spending (and presumably red state subsidization).

Under the Obama Administration's proposed "Rewarding Wealth Producers and Penalizing Moochers Patriotic American Values Re-alignment" Act, "wealth producing" states such as New York, California, Illinois who have traditionally received less than a dollar back for every dollar they pay in taxes would be exempt from any budgetary cuts, and would qualify for across-the-board tax cuts since wealth-producing states should always be accommodated and encouraged in every way possible, regardless of circumstances.

On the other hand, the "welfare mooching, deficit-teat-sucking" states such as Kansas, Arizona, Kentucky and Alaska who have for years gotten away with parasitically looting their wealth-producing neighbors by receiving more than a dollar back for every dollar they pay in taxes will now assume 100% of the responsibility for eliminating the federal budget deficit. Each of these welfare mooching, deficit-teat-sucking states will be given a block rescission amount representing the percentage of the federal deficit for which they will be now be help legally responsible.

(And to those from the welfare mooching, deficit-teat-sucking states may try to argue that this is somehow unfair, let me point out that everyone knows that adding even one thin dime to the tax burdens of the wealth-producing states would instantly and forever destroy them as job creation engines, so that must be off the table.)

Each welfare mooching, deficit-teat-sucking state will be given 30-days to develop a budget plan which will guarantee compliance: welfare mooching, deficit-teat-sucking states who fail to comply with this directive will be taken over by a federal budget receiver and the national guard who will make the necessary cuts unilaterally.

Acting together in this way, I am sure we can get through this current budget crisis and something something our great nation towards, oh, let's say a brighter future.

Thank you.

God bless you.

And God bless the United Freaks of America.