Rip and Read

If you're like me, you get more than your authorize ration of absurd emails puked up from the murkiest, dung-smellingest end of the wingnut pool.

One making yet another round this week is this perennial "Top Ten Reasons Why I Voted Democrat" list. (Example: 1. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.)

I think this is actually a good thing, having noticed that this sort of rage-soaked broadside of ridiculous invective -- ink still wet from the Ministry of Truth printing presses -- is usually the response of the Right when their world starts to collapse. When their elected representatives start uncontrollably outing themselves as lying corporate shills and/or monstrously hypocritical perverts; when their bullshit economic and foreign policy theories start blowing up in big, public ways; when another assassin is caught with Glenn Beck's books in his trunk and of Bill O'Reilly's words on his lips; when their spokescreatures start going mad on the air...and when there are no handy, ginned-up stories about Ground Zero mosques or death panels to keep the Pig People distracted...they roll out this, generic, "There is no global warming because Al Gore is fat" claptrap.

It is the sign of a dead movement, caught once again in a corner of its own making, trying to scream its way out.

(It has also been interesting to watch how these slabs of raw, bigot Id have mutated over the years. For example, now that that it has penetrated all but the dimmest, dankest wingnut sewers that getting out the Hell out of the Republican's Excellent Iraqi Adventure is actually a good idea... the most dependable Pig People talking point of the last 10 years -- "I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people." -- has hastily been nailed into a packing crate and dropped into the sea, with the hole it left behind hurriedly caulked over with imbecile bumper sticker talking points about illegal immigration or "Drill, baby, drill"-ism about hos Liberals won't do such-and-so "because it might upset some endangered beetle or gopher".)

Don't waste your time rebutting, replying or even bothering with the sensibilities of the senders of these email: arguing logic with a Conservative is like debating quantum physics with a flatworm.

Instead, save yourself some typing and feel free to copy/paste/send some or all of the following.

With my complements.

I voted Republican because I believe any psycho with a couple of hundred bucks should be able to buy enough street-sweeper guns and ammo to take down a small country no questions asked.

I voted Republican because I am afraid of the imaginary Liberal that Rush Limbaugh keeps telling me lives under my bed.

I voted Republican because I think the Confederacy had it just about right.

I voted Republican because I know that I can trust unregulated multi-billion foreign corporations far more than my own neighbors.

I voted Republican because I only listen to right wing radio and Fox news, which has reduced my IQ by about half.

I voted Republican because I refuse to read a book, read a newspaper or remember anything that happened before 2009.

I voted Republican because I people who are different than me scare me.

I voted Republican because, damn it, we don't need our food inspected, or our streets paved, or clean water, or fire departments.

I voted Republican because instead of the elitist, Libtard "truth", they tell me I'm smart, and good-lookin', and a Real American Patriot a bunch of other crap I want to hear.

I voted Republican because I can't stand when the government spends money on anyone but me.

I voted Republican because I believe that government should police and regulate women's vaginae. Unlike, say, mountaintop mining companies or the entire pharmaceutical industry.

I voted Republican because I believe me and Zeke and Joe Bob can do a better job building a highway or a bridge or US foreign policy than some fancy-pants, East coast elitist "expert".

I voted Republican because a random email with BIG FONT and eagles and American Flags told me that Barack Obama is a Kenyan Socialist!

I voted Republican because I only give a shit about deficits...or the constitution...or illegal wars...when there is someone in the White House with a (D) after their name.

I voted Republican because election results only count when my side wins.

I voted Republican because I believe the Earth is 9,000 years old. No. Really. And I think my opinion about that should be taken seriously and taught in school.

I voted Republican because freedom of speech only counts when you agree with me; when you disagree with me, you're trying to take away my rights!

I voted Republican because I believe blowjobs are impeachable offenses, but torture, secret prisons and illegal wars are just good, clean fun!

I voted Republican because I'm actually stupid enough to believe that Democrats are giving free health care, education, and Social Security benefits to illegal aliens.

I voted Republican because I think Republican-appointed fringe-nutjob activist judges should decide the outcome of Presidential elections, and give full citizenship rights to foreign corporations.

I voted Republican because its easier than thinking for myself.