Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sunday Morning Comin' Down



"...and then Buffy staked Edward. The End."

1MADDOW
Edition.


Sure, at the Mouse Circus today, Robert Gibbs (one of the the Lesser Brother's Gibb(s)) promised job growth in the Battery Sector (apparently, by 2014, 40% of our nation's Chinese-made sex toys will be powered by American-made batteries, so USA!USA!). And, yes, he made his "Shoes for Industry" program sound darn exciting

even as he assured us that he was not "here to unfurl the 'Mission Accomplished' banner."

And, sure, David Fucking Brooks wanted America to know that there are plenty of Moderate, Sensible (tm DFB) things we can do to make our descent into Conservative Hell more comfortable, but we won't do them because neither party is willing to give any ground on anything.

Shocking, I know.

And, sure, Blue Dog Wall Street stooge Harold Ford Jr. wanted America to know that if only Democrats would compromise a just liiiiittle bit more, and give Big Business just a few more concessions, we could maybe get some stuff done.

And, sure, on Fox, Chris Wallace shrugged off the hundreds of critical nominations the Republicans have been blocking for a year and a half and wanted to know how dare the Kenyan Usurper push through a recess appointment.

However based on the sage advice I recently received from the Heads of the Blogosphere Mafia (and the fact that there no are Liberal equivalents to wingnut homunculi like Mary Matalin dug in like ticks at Major Publishing Houses and eager to forcibly animate into Best Sellerdom any offal scraped from the Conservative blogger midden pile) I have come to understand that if my as-yet nonexistent and wholly theoretical book is to stand any chance of being anything other than a labor-intensive, money-losing timesuck, it absolutely, positively has to include vampires.

Well, OK...

As they do every Sunday
1WALLACE
(Chris Wallace)


The temporal ministers and agents of the Most Infernal
1BROOKS
(David Brooks)


Were again free to stalk our nation's airwaves virtually unmolested.
1GREGORY
(David Gregory)


As always, they smiled and licked their hungry lips
1KYL
(John Kyl)


And hoped that, once again, foolish humans would stay mesmerized by their accursed words
1FORD
(Harold Ford Jr.)


Long enough for them to feed and feed and feed.
1GILL
(Ed Gillespie)


In the end, there are really only two ways to deal with a population of ravenous undead Conservatives running loose and draining the life out your democracy.

The first and wisest is never, ever to invite them into your democracy in the first place, for vampires are powerless until you open the door and let them in.

Once inside, however, the only other way to keep them from destroying every living thing is to stake those fuckers through the heart every single time one of them jams its grinning blood-drunk maw in front of a teevee camera and starts to lie to you, or abet one of its fellow liars in the act of lying to you.
2MADDOW
(Rachel Maddow)

Nice job today, Rachel.

We could sure use a lot more like you in front of the nation's cameras and behind the nation's microphones.



13 comments:

Anonymous said...

As always, aptly put.

Deborah Newell said...

Brilliant, as always. I've posted about and linked this at Cogitamus.

You should send this to Rachel Maddow, by the way--or post a link to it at her blog! I bet she would love it.

Thanks, Drifty. You're wonderful.

XXX
D.

Denny Smith said...

Fine, put friggin' vampires in. Anything, just get that book goin'.
You put Twain and Mencken to shame.
I bet if Dorothy Parker was still around she'd propose to you. For Christ's sake, I think I'm developing a man-crush.
The Book: DO IT!

BTW: when you do, please give George Will the "Brooks" treatment,....that insufferable pious mother----r.

Cirze said...

I'm soooooooo glad I no longer enter stroke territory by watching those mice.

Dg IS the news channel for those who care about the welfare of the nation.

Kudos!

S

And, sure, on Fox, Chris Wallace shrugged off the hundreds of critical nominations the Republicans have been blocking for a year and a half and wanted to know how dare the Kenyan Usurper push through a recess appointment.

SteveUpNorth said...

Maddow the Vampire Slayer!!!
Gaze in wonder as she destroys Rand Paul by showing him his reflection, watch in shock as she navigates the political minefield without a scratch! She's got the undead horrors of the night on the defensive now, for she is a Truthwalker.

*Coming to a theater of war near you!*

lostnacfgop said...

Is it me, or does Harold Ford start to sound like J Kenneth Blackwell after the second sentence. Gawd, what a pawn.

lostnacfgop said...

And speaking of Vampires, isn't it about time Morley Safer, Andy Rooney and the undead Harry Reasoner invite themselves into Chris Wallce's house on a ruse, and feast upon his poor excuse for a human body? Daddy Mike's failing consciousness must be more embarrassed each day by this shillian sellout.

Soumyaranjan Dash said...

They look nice with the art!

Capt. Bat Guano said...

Thanks so much for doing the yeoman's work that you and a good many others do: Watching those fuzzy little shit heads so I don't have to. You are a giant, keep stomping.

Anonymous said...

Saw this in a comments section and thought of you, Drifty:


"Is David Broder officially the least useful human alive?"

Not while David Brooks is still breathing, no.

...

Anonymous said...

Saw this in a comments section and thought of you, Drifty:


"Is David Broder officially the least useful human alive?"

Not while David Brooks is still breathing, no.

...

libhom said...

The Greens look better and better this year.

snabby said...

No fair: you didn't photoshop Kyl at all.

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