Shall I Compare Thee

To A Summary Judgment?

From Inc. Magazine:

Do You Take This Co-worker to be Your Lawfully Consensual Partner?

The rise of attempted wrongful termination suits leads employers to issue love contracts.
By Keaton Gray | Jul 10, 2009

It begins with an awkward exchange in the break room or a quick glance over the cubicle wall. If things go well, it might progress into an after-work cocktail at the lounge across the street. Then, like in a fairy tale, come those three, magic little words: Sign here, please.

Intra-office romances have proven to be contentious problems for involved couples as well as their employers. The love contract, a legal document that stipulates that the relationship is consensual and will not end in a sexual harassment lawsuit, is one increasingly popular method of fending off the costly legal repercussion that sometimes follows occupational affairs.

John Challenger, CEO of outplacement firm Challenger, Gray, and Christmas, says that companies are building up their walls of defense in the face of increased vulnerability. "Companies have greater litigation exposure today from increased downsizing," he says. "More companies take the protective measure of asking for contracts that reduce risk by spelling out the current state of affairs between a couple."

Combining work with romance, however, muddles the definition of an appropriate relationship. "Consensual", says attorney Gloria Allred, does not necessarily mean "welcomed." For example, an employee might consent to a relationship and sign the contract because they fear doing otherwise would endanger their place at the company.

"This is a way that employers try to minimize legal risk and jeopardy," Allred acknowledges, "but they would be better served by spending time in the training and implementation of policies to prevent sexual harassment."
...

Good to know the ubiquitous Allred didn't sleep through this payday.

To me, there is nothing more existentially hilarious than the spectacle of modern, corporate culture trying to politely corral the fierce and primal thing that William Faulkner called, in another context, "the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself."

I mean, organized religion has spent fucking millennia throwing everything up-to-and-including threats of eternal damnation at our driving, berserker passions and yet they still somehow regularly gnaw through their restraints and tear holes in the world. So when I see a clutch of lawyers trying to crate up human nature using little slips of paper, it sure looks an awful lot like a nest of bunnies armed with PEZ guns squaring off against an active volcano.

Then again, these days I can’t keep up with what’s been going on
I think my heart must just be slowing down…