Sunday, August 31, 2008

Male Pattern Baldwin


(We join Senator John McSame and Republican Great Gazoo
Karl Rove in a screaming match over Vice Presidential picks...)


I told you, I want Billy Baldwin here!

And I told you three times already,
that’s
Stephen Baldwin.


Fuck you.
I was a POW.
I can have any Baldwin I want.


And another thing; people are getting
really creeped
out with you dropping the
P-bomb every time you have
a senior moment.
Treating it like you just had your
tonsils out
-- some free pass to be a prick
and demand
all the ice cream in the world.

Now, as to Stephen Baldwin, have you even seen his record?
I mean, what did “The Genius Club” gross?
How many people shelled out actual cash money to see...
...“Midnight Clear”?
...“Bound by Lies”?
...“Under the Hula Moon “?
...“Bio-Dome”?
...“Liminality”?

What about “Glengarry Glen Ross”?
He was awesome in that.

That was his brother, Alec Baldwin.
Alec Baldwin.
Who also happens to be a Liberal.


So what?
I mean, Joe Lieberman is a Liberal.


No, Senator, Joe isn't a Liberal.
Joe is what we call

a hoor.

Alec Baldwin is a real Liberal.
A real, super-famous "Liberal" with a capital "L".


Stephen Baldwin, on the other hand,
is famous for…
...“The Mark Unleashed”.

“Shelter Island”.
“Greenmail”.
“One Tough Cop”.
“The Sex Monster“.
And fucking Slap Shot 2!


Alright, so he’d probably spend the
rest of his career doing voice-over work in
Bulgarian knock-offs of “Left Behind” video games.

None of that matters.

Danny Baldwin here brings…

Stephen Baldwin.
Weeping Barbara Bush, this isn't like that
Sunni/Shia thing you can never get straight.
This is actually important.
The guy standing next to you is
Stephen
Baldwin.



Fine. Whatever.

You know, I got more respect from the VC.
When I was in Vietnam.
At the Hanoi Hilton.
Where -- in case you didn't realize it -- I was a POW.

So Steeeephen Baldwin brings something more to
the ticket than minor celebrity.


And that would be...?

Nice hair.
Nice ass.
Thinks American history started in 1985.
Thinks Fox is actually "news".
Loves Sweet Baby Jebus at the top of his lungs.
And believes “The Flintstones” was a
groundbreaking Creationist documentary.


OK, that I can work with.


Meaning what exactly?


Meaning, I can deliver that. All of it.


I'm listening...


And I can do it without Baldwinning up your ticket.


(Pauses dramatically)

Two words: Sarah Palin.


That guy from “The Monthly Python”?
He’s a foreigner for chrissake! And..


No, Sarah Palin. Sarah.
And it's
"Monty Python" you lint farmer.

And this "Susan Palin" is who?


(Rove hands him Palin’s resume.
McCain glances over it.)


OK, this is someone’s high school transcript.


You've got to read
all the way
to the bottom.


“Mayor of Wasilla”?
What’s that, like an honorary thing?
Like “Appliance King of Smackover, Arkansas”
or “Elf Queen of Santa’s Village”?

No, it’s a real place.

In Oz?

No. Alaska.

Alaska, Alaska?


Look, Senator, in 2000,
with these two, clammy hands
I turned you from war hero
to
unelectable, miscegenating crackpot,

so you know I know my job.

And painful as it is, you need me right now.


But three weeks ago on "Face the Nation"
you told Bob Schieffer that anyone picking some
bantamweight governor from a minor state
(who'd previously only been mayor of some flyspeck town)
would be a douchebag who is
"...not first and foremost concerned with is this person
capable of being President of the United States..."
Shit, Karl,

it was all over the teevee.

So what?

So how the hell do we turn around now
and do exactly the opposite of what we said
three weeks ago and expect get away with it?


Senator, where have you been?

We're Republicans.

The kind of person who’d vote for a McCain/Palin
ticket are the same people who, if George Bush
doesn't show up at the Convention, will maybe sorta
forget that he was President for the last eight years.

That he has been the Worst President in History

And that they happily voted for him.

Twice.

You really think it'll work?

Senator, we've worked for 30 years to make
sure our Party stands on three, strong legs:
Bigots, Imbeciles and Right Wing Millionaires.

Gimme six weeks and I'll have them convinced
that Sarah Palin is Maggie Thatcher
and Obama is Malcolm X.

Gimme two months and they'll believe she's
the second coming of Carrie Nation,
and he leads a tribe of cannibals in Hyde Park.


No Stephen Baldwin?

No Stephen Baldwin.


But...but...just look how badass he is
in "Full Metal Jacket"



Reminds me of me.
Back when I was fighting for your freedom.
Before I was captured and held prisoner.
By the Vietnamese.
In Vietnam.
Which we could have won.


(Rove sighs)

That's Adam Baldwin, Senator.

Adam Baldwin.*




*(Yes, management realizes that Adam Baldwin is not one of the "Baldwin Brothers")


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

ahhh nice. What's it like in your brain, Drifty? It must be very interesting, like the Smithsonian only with better punctuation.

Anonymous said...

You may or may not know that I lived for almost three yrs in, yes, Smackover, Arkansas,
Ha!!
Sarah Deere

WereBear said...

Brilliant, as you so often are, Mr. Driftglass.

Proud2bHumble said...

Lol Lolilolol!!!!!

You.

Are.

A.

Fucking.

Genius.

;-}

Anonymous said...

Best. Episode. Ever. :)

Cirze said...

Swifty, I mean Dg,

Do you ever do anything else except smack those balls OUT OF THE PARK?

We're waaaaay past three times, which is supposed to be the charm. Talk about a charm offensive!!

I'm starting a pool over at my site (tomorrow) and taking odds on which day she is O U T. Wanna be the first to lay down a bet? Of course, I was thinking earlier (gotta watch that stuff) that McCain was on the verge of being replaced. It's been a nice payoff so far for his earlier bowing down, but no one will take him seriously all the way to November. Or so I thought.

Now you've got me almost convinced I could be wrong. Fancy that. You are one persuasive SOG. I think it was the Hyde Park cannibal motif that worked its magic.

Until I visited here I was sure that they both would be OUT for sheer ridiculousness (and be replaced by Cheney's choice of a player to be named later - much later). You know who I mean.

But hats off (if I wore one) to you my dear. Splendid work! As usual.

Look, Senator, in 2000,
with these two, clammy hands
I turned you from war hero to
unelectable, miscegenating crackpot, so you know I know my job.

- - - - - - -

You really think it'll work?

Senator, we've worked for 30 years to make sure our Party stands on three, strong legs:

Bigots, Imbeciles and Right Wing Millionaires.

Gimme six weeks and I'll have them convinced that
Sarah Palin is Maggie Thatcher
and Obama is Malcolm X.

Gimme two months and they'll believe
she's the second coming of Carrie Nation,
and he leads a tribe of cannibals in Hyde Park.


Say it again, "Beautiful!" (h/t to Joe Cocker)

Suzan

Distributorcap said...

you are way more valuable than Alex Rodriguez

and no one will boo you

a home run

Anonymous said...

Transmutation of NeoCon Turds into Satiric Golden Spheres!!

That IS what you do, Mr. Driftglass.

Thank you. Oh ... the Baldwins (all too many of them) come from my current neck of the woods. And Stephen showed up for an International Film Festival opening in which he starred, "The Flyboys."

Not half bad. Stephen is an ethic-less sleazoid who redeems himself. There was some buzz before he arrived at the opening about his louder conversion to Jeebus Freak; but The Stephen Behaved.

As for L-word Alec: He never behaves according to the Karl Rove Rule Book for Rubes. That's why we loves him.

Thanks for too many stuck-together, apparently unconnected bits -- Flintstones and creationists to Too Many Baldwins and Robotic Roves. You DO connect all the dots, DG. Gracias!!

Anonymous said...

OMG. MY.EYES.

You and your LieberLiar photoshops get me every time. I can't stop laughing. And cringing. It's painful.

Anonymous said...

Finally!

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they would pick that woman for VP.

I figured they thought one woman was pretty much the same as another so they could scoop up all the disgruntled Hillary supporters, but the Stalking Horse theory is compelling.

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