The Big Blue Balls of Earth

(With proper apologies in advance to the memory of Robert Heinlein and his “…cool, green hills of Earth.”)

While picking through the dumpster on Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc Avenue, I noticed two articles that, when taken together, hinted at something spectacularly bizarre.

It seems that as terrestrial oil supplies fall and prices skyrocket --

The Price of Oil - How High Will it Go?
By Erick Stakelbeck
CBN News
June 30, 2008

CBNNews.com - WASHINGTON - Oil hit yet another record high today. And some industry analyst are warning that we could see gas at $7.00 a gallon within two years.

Oil Tops $140 a Barrel

How high will it go? That's what experts are trying to figure out, as oil is now above a record $141 per barrel.

The president of OPEC, Chakib Khelil, says he believes oil prices might go as high as $170 a barrel this summer. Goldman Sachs predicts that number could reach $200 per barrel.

Meanwhile, climbing oil prices are driving stocks down, with the Dow Jones down more than 12 percent so far this year - including 358 points on Thursday.

Economists say oil is climbing because there's just not enough of it to meet the world's growing demand.

That demand remains strong in emerging economies like China and India, despite rising prices.

"Supply globally is not growing and the world has never been thirstier," CIBC World Market's chief economist Jeff Rubin said.
...

-- our global stock of happiness has been rising sharply.

LiveScience.com Mon Jun 30, 1:16 PM ET

Despite the anxieties of these times, happiness has been on the rise around the world in recent years, a new survey finds.


The upbeat outlook is attributed to economic growth in previously poor countries, democratization of others, and rising social tolerance for women and minority groups.

"It's a surprising finding," said University of Michigan political scientist Ronald Inglehart, who headed up the survey. "It's widely believed that it's almost impossible to raise an entire country's happiness level."

Denmark is the happiest nation and Zimbabwe the the most glum, he found. (Zimbabwe's longtime ruler Robert Mugabe was sworn in as president for a sixth term Sunday after a widely discredited runoff in which he was the only candidate. Observers said the runoff was marred by violence and intimidation.)

The United States ranks 16th.
...

Now why would that be?

I mean, what other condition in nature is characterize by a spike in satisfaction accompanied by the simultaneous loss of vital fluids?

Oh

yeah --- (Visuals rated “G”. Audio, however, is Not At All Safe for Work.)

So Terra is ramping up to a huge, multiple oilgasm.

Which breaks down into three kinds of news: Good, Bad and Neutral.

The good news is, the old gal certainly deserves it.

The neutral news is that as the planetary noosphere grows ever more saturated with the “Faster! Harder! Do Me Like Shoemaker-Levy You Bastard!” imperative, we can expect more humans to feel mysteriously compelled to blow their government bribe money on stroke-bytes:

Nation Buys Porn With Stimulus Package

Huffington Post | July 2, 2008 11:49 AM

President Bush's economic stimulus package, which appears so far to have been ineffective in stroking the economy to life, is giving an unexpected raise to the porn industry.

From an Adult Internet Market Research Company press release:

An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans' mailboxes across the country.


According to Kirk Mishkin, Head Research Consultant for AIMRCo, "Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."
…

We can but hope it was all good, old-fashioned, American-made nasty.

And the bad new -- the very bad news -- is, unless we act immediately, it looks like every one of us is going to have to spend the next ten generations

sleeping in the wet spot.