“The Cold Equations” Edition.
(If you have never read it, here is a pretty concise a plot synopsis of the famous science fiction story:
"In the story, a space pilot is delivering medical supplies to a colony, when he discovers a stowaway. Unfortunately, every pound on the space ship will cause the ship to burn more fuel and the stowaway's weight -- if she were left on the ship -- would cause the ship to crash.
"With no ship available to come to the rescue, no excess weight to toss off and lives at stake, it becomes painfully clear that only one thing can happen.
"Mathematically, there is no way she can stay on the ship.")
In which Media Personalities explain that, despite the merciless trajectory of each of these falling objects, if only we would all just clap extra loud and wish extra hard…
…Iraq will turn out super ooper duper.
…the economy will magically cease its current position of flabby sissy puppy and return to its rightful, mighty status as
“Macho Business Donkey Wrestler”.
…and Hillary Clinton will defeat mere math to win the Democratic nomination.
But first, on Chicago Fox News Sunday, Jack Conaty carries local wingnut water by assuring us that the 2008 elections are going to be very, very close.
That Democrats dare not leave Iraq “precipitously”.
And that St. John McCain had a fabulous week, spent overseas and looking “Presidential”.
Conaty declined to mention that by “Presidential” he meant
“Reagan Administration Drooling Through Year-Seven”-Presidential
Then a Special Report on “computers” and a place called the “blog-o-sphere” which is emphatically not a device for diving under the waters of the oceans
to observe sea life, but instead some form of non-network-news-based coconut wireless.
Or something.
So they put on a man named Steve Rose.
He’s a “blogger”.
“Blogger”: There’s no getting around it; blogs are here to stay. The Internets are the major source of stuff
Fox News guy: No No No. It is difficult for these “internet” sites to make money, which means they’re illegitimate right? I mean, can you transition your audience to some kind of crazy, hippy, twaddle where the hippies don’t even get paid.
“Blogger”: Well people are used to getting Fox for free just by turning on the teevee…
Fox News guy: You don’t get Fox for free. You have to pay for commercials. And people gotta get paid to go out and
Fox News guy: The problem with the internet is…
“Blogger”: There are…
Fox News guy: How will this balance out in terms of our First Amendment rights?
“Blogger”: I think it’s a good thing. No monopoly on the part of big media is a good…
Fox News guy: The bathysphere is pretty heavily divided between Right and Left, isn’t it? When a few years ago people were just excited that they could post something. And download porn of course.
Shorter Fox News guy – The Internets used to be ruled by Matt Drudge and Clinton-hating and we liked it. Now it's full of liberals. This makes us sad.
“Blogger”: The MSM is moving into the blogs, but they’re old and stoopid.
Fox News guy: They're not the same! You don’t have actual fact-checking. There is no
“Blogger”: The MSM has made its share of huge, huge fuck ups on the major issues of our day.
Fox News guy: I’m not saying that we haven’t made our mistakes, but you dirty fucking hippies have no mechanism for correcting errors.
“Blogger”: In some ways it is immediately self-correcting. And there are, in fact, sites which are edited in the ancient sense. Like Politico. Or the New Republic. Or Kink.com.
Fox News guy: Without that link to the traditional news organization it is very hard to make zee munnies! And munnies = truthiness.
Fox News guy: Is MSM doing a better job of embracing blogs? Can they do it?
“Blogger”: They’re trying, but they’re fucking up a lot.
Then John Lawrence – Fox Web Producer -- takes us through the Teh Fox Interwebs!
His explanation of the billions Fox spent on logo development and placement was too exciting for mere words.
On “Face the Nation”
Lindsay Graham explains that we will have eventual victory in Iraq. The Surge is an unqualified success. A president Obama or Clinton would be a complete disaster. As you know I opposed the Rumsfeld approach.
How long?
No answer.
Jack Reed: This wasn’t Rumsfeld’s war. This was Bush, Cheney and McCain's fucking war. And while we – Lindsay and I – have to slip into Iraq, Ahmadinejad csn roll in by car wearing a sports coat.
Doesn't smell like victory to me.
The Graham construct is simple: If we withdraw – ever – then al-Qaeda wins.
Even though, in the next breath, he says that Iraqis all hate al-Qaeda and want them gone. That they have been smashed and on the run.
Shorter Graham: Spitters are Quitters! (Gratuitous, funny and Very Not Work Safe)
On “Meet the Press”
Punkin Haid plays Bosley to two of financial teevee’s Bernanke’s Angels
Once upon a time there were two little girls who went to B-School…
where they learned to dance pretty for the camera.
Shorter Pretty Economist Dancing Ladies: Rich people are nervous about the economy.
Rich People!
Ruh Row.
Oh, and the situation at Bear Stearns is a tragedy.
Tra-juh-dee.
No.
Darfur is a tragedy.
Iraq is a tragedy.
Bear Stearns is this:
Then, an Exciting Journalist Roundtable! With Journalists!
Jon Meacham, Peggy Noonan, Eugene Robinson & Chuck Todd.
Magic Dolphin Lady: Obama’s Speech might be awesome. Or it might not be.
John Meacham: Now we know it Barack Obama tries to walk across Lake Michigan, he’ll sink.
Beardy O’Musington: You know “the media” loves them some John McCain, and the irony is that if Obama or Clinton had made the same “I can’t tell the difference between Sunni and Shia in a war among Sunni and Shia” fuck up – even once, much less day after day after day – “the media” would have smashed them in to little pieces.
Shorter Beardy: John McCain’s dick tastes to us like fine, Belgian chocolate dipped in happy Jebus love. We’re all gearing up to lie down under his chariot wheels just like we bent over and grabbed ‘em for Dubya and Iraq.
Powerwhoring; Who we are, not just what we do.
On “Fox News Sunday”
Wallace: Let’s start with the latest flap between Clinton and Obama.
Richardson: Too much negativity. McCain is running around lining up support and Democrats are pooping in each other pockets.
Rendell: Hillary isn’t ahead here because of Reverend Wright. She’s ahead because of the affection and trust the people of Pennsylvania.
James Carville quote on Richardson being a Judas because he dared side against The Clintons.
Richardson: There is this sense of entitlement on the part of the Clinton’s to the White House.
Wallace: Yeah, but the Teh Maths. Isn’t it now impossible for Hillary to win?
Rendell: Sure.
Wallace: Sure? WTF? Really? She can’t win?
Rendell: Uh, well, it’d be very difficult. But look Chris…Yadda Yadda Yadda.
Then on to the Economy:
Glenn Hubbard – Conservative – predicts that everything’s gonna be fine.
Lawrence Summers – Not Conservative – thinks not so much.
Wallace: Regarding Bear Sterns. Did we pass some kind of threshold when is comes to Evil Gummit Intervention? The Evil Federales becoming the lender of last resort?
Summers: Up until the last three weeks, the entire “regulation” debate has been this Administration organizing summits to figure out how much more we can deregulate everything.
Wallace: As a Democrats, don’t you believe now that we have had to intervene to save the douchebags at Bear Stears that we should just close shop and become Socialists!
Wallace: Now that the Evil Gummint has intervened to save bloated, risk-junkie capitalists, isn’t it time to help out, y’know, college students and home owners?
Hubbard: Nooooooo!
Hubbard: Sure we should do some stuff to keep the proles, quiet. But we should be vewy, vewy careful about establishing some kind of Evil Gummit Program that would permanently help Little People. We need the poor and economically helpless to provide low-wage/slave-wage services for the captains of industry.
Shorter Wingnut Economics: We need a permanent, hopeless, terrified underclass because my wizened plutocrat penis isn’t going to suck itself!
On “This Week”
Sens. Schumer and Kyl on the economy and Sen. Hagel on the future of the GOP.
Watched it for two minutes of Hagel.
Didn’t care.
On ”The Chris Matthews Show”
Matthews: Is what Reverend Wright said going to sink the Obama campaign? Hey, let’s ask Conservative Radio…
WTF?
Does Microsoft Vista suck?
Hey, let's ask MacWorld…
Matthews: Don’t the Clinton people wish this had all happened weeks ago?
Uh, yeah. I'll bet they do.
And they also wish they could perform the miracle of the BBQ cocktail weenies and the loaves to feed the press and make the media love them.
Also that Bill could unfuck a certain intern.
So what?
Matthews: Tell me what you think…might be going through Hillary’s mind…about losing.
And thus another Sunday of the zero-data circle jerking of overpaid fabulists ignoring genuine issues and blatting on about the fine points of inner-beltway horseracing -- or as Mark Twain once said, "getting drunk off the smell of someone else's cork" -- comes to a close.
13 comments:
I can't help it, Driftglass.
I'm worried about your soul; your compunction to punish yourself this way, week after week, so a few of the faithful can skip a Sunday de-tox shower?
I worry to myself; "How many more weeks can the poor sot stomach this nauseating dung-fest?"
Doesn't your continued viewing constitute being slobberboarded— tortured— by the GMWYAMSM? [gag-me-with-your-agenda. . . ] Maybe you need to sit back with a cheap chocolate bunny and watch a good Christian moovie, like Teh Tin Commandments.
And forget for a moment the nervous rich people, who are going through a "rough time."
. . . Those poor Stearn Bears. . . how we little people outnumber them so, and that we should help them back up to where they were with our tax dollars, that are almost worthless anyway. It's just the Christian thing to do, you know?
Happy Easter Drift. . .
Pure gold: "Shorter Wingnut Economics: We need a permanent, hopeless, terrified underclass because my wizened plutocrat penis isn’t going to suck itself!"
WELL DONE! I find it hard to believe that you do this all by yourself, Driftie. I mean, it must take HOURS of thought, then snooping yootoob and other places, THEN putting it all together in the most significant, succinct snark in the intertubes! Today, I especially enjoyed the Clip of Lying-Dead-Ronnie and his side-kick Lying-Mother-Fucker-Wingnut-Hero Ollie! These two vids should be posted once a week until EVERYONE sees them. Hey, I could do that! Well, maybe once a once...I will put a link on my bloated side-bar to them, that's the ticket!
Peace, eh?
Natch
Consistently ab-fab, Drifty. I watch these shows, well, some of them, and then come to your blog to tell me what I saw. I see what you see, but unfortunately for me, these things appear in the corner of my eye, only to vanish when I try to look straight at them. I think it's a Republican trick, sort of a camouflage, to disguise true motives and events. Glad your laser vision is not fooled and please keep this up for the rest of us who are not as sighted as you.
Thanks,
OFG
Sweet Jesus, Please!
Don't!
Stop!
I think I just cracked a rib.
I can't fuckin' see what I'm doin, the tears are blinding me.
I haven't,, Fuck!
I can't stop laughing!
Shit, I, didn't even get half way through!
Oh my God.
Hysterical.
My cat thinks I'm insane.
Deeeep breath.
I can't.
Fuck it. I gotta go read the rest.
You need to go on the road with that shit.'Magic Dolphin Lady', Jesus.
I just don't know what else to say.
except maybe,
BRAVO!
good lawrd, drifty I lived through those years, I should have known better than to click that Reagan link....
I've had several drinks and I'm still shaking....
I agree that reagan/ollie tube should be played daily, several times daily ..... in congress, on every station until people get how fucked this shit is! Seeing that again...... gaaaahh. bleeechhhhh.
I agree with Michael
Pure gold: "Shorter Wingnut Economics: We need a permanent, hopeless, terrified underclass because my wizened plutocrat penis isn’t going to suck itself!"
However I have to point out that Bill Clinton did not in fact "fuck a certain intern."
Also is it really appropriate for someone your age to be watching the midwest teen sex show?
Finally I got this off of Bruce Sterlings blog. I expect you to write a study of its implications.
(((Traditionally, in recessions and depressions, people used to read a lot of books. 'Cause they were unemployed and books were, you know, cheap -- something you could do alone in a room, in a prison cell, even. Now books AREN'T cheap. Looks like this may be the first recession and depression where the gloomily unemployed spend a lot of their time websurfing.)))
Comedy gold, again!
I'm going to have my grandmother embroider the Shorter Wingnut Economics on a pillow for me.
Well, maybe not my grandmother...
funnier than shoe feathers, more useful than a cat, author destined to receive manna(not the from heaven kind, just standard manna, but that's still pretty good).
You are A King
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