Make. Them. Choose.

Ann Coulter shown here gently explaining to Rich Lowry and George Will exactly how Conservative Hate Radio and the Christopath Base of the GOP actually work.

So why pick on Will and Lowry?

No special reason except their proximity to the issue and citable quotes; it could have been any fifty Conservative Shipwreck Kellys whose soft, lucrative jobs depend entirely on remaining perched precariously far, far above the bleating sheep of the GOP Base, and are increasingly terrified by the threat of a stampede by the masses.

On December 14, Lowry wrote in this article entitled “Huckacide”

...
After many false prophecies, Dean circa 2008 has finally arrived. He is former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. Not because he will inevitably blow himself up in Iowa. But because, like Dean, his nomination would represent an act of suicide by his party.

Like Dean, Huckabee is an under-vetted former governor who is manifestly unprepared to be president of the United States. Like Dean, he is rising toward the top of polls in a crowded field based on his appeal to a particular niche of his party. As with Dean, his vulnerabilities in a general election are so screamingly obvious that it’s hard to believe that primary voters, once they focus seriously on their choice, will nominate him.

The GOP’s social conservatism inarguably has been an enormous benefit to the party throughout the past 30 years, winning over conservative Democrats and lower-income voters who otherwise might not find the Republican limited-government message appealing. That said, nominating a Southern Baptist pastor running on his religiosity would be rather overdoing it. Social conservatism has to be part of the Republican message, but it can’t be the message in its entirety.

…

Huckabee has declared that he doesn’t believe in evolution. Even if there are many people in America who agree with him, his position would play into the image of Republicans as the anti-science party.

…

Honest to Mithtras, what Alternate Universe does Lowry believe he's broadcasting from? Acting as if the anti-science bigots, racists and Xian jihadists that make up the shock troops of the GOP somehow just wandered into the Party of Lincoln to get out of the rain?


I mean;

“The GOP’s social conservatism inarguably has been an enormous benefit to the party throughout the past 30 years…”?

“…his position would play into the image of Republicans as the anti-science party.”?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's not bad marketing your Party is suffering from, Rich: it is the anti-science Party. The Social Conservatives don't help the Party, they are the Republican Party.

Proudly. Openly. For decades now.

So when one asks “Who could possibly be stupid enough to believe such bullshit?” the question suddenly answers itself doesn't it?

Lowry is talking to…Lowry. And George Will. And Andy Sullivan.

Because these Extremely Ivory Tower Republicans have truly become the Sunni of the GOP; a distinct minority in the Party who have grown so used to cattle-prodding the Base around on behalf of their corporate masters that long after the wingnut gargoyles took over their cathedral, they're still bizarrely and hysterically insisting that they’re the Real Republicans.

That somehow the Chistopaths and Wannabee Klansmen who provide the shoe leather, the envelope stuffing, the Hate Radio ratings and the door-to-door electoral throw weight of the Party are some sort of kookie, fringe minority.

And that the best way of dealing with the rough beasts who are slouching to Iowa to be born is to deploy Upright WASP Family Dysfunction Abatement Strategy #5: sniff at the Base disapprovingly, sprinkle a little more Elitist Pundit Rose Water over the feculent monster gobbling up the remains of their Party, and then take to their beds and studiously pretend the Golem they created to destroy politics and win elections isn’t really there.

George Will then smoothly takes the Frantic Bed Wetting Baton hand-off from Lowry and sprints with it here:

The Huckabee Revolution: Evangelicals At The GOP Gate

Mike Huckabee's insurrectionist presidential campaign is defying the determination of the Republican establishment to restrict the selection of the party's nominee to pre-approved candidates.

At the same time that the ordained Baptist minister has surged to the forefront of the field not only in Iowa but in South Carolina and Florida, powerful conservative players -- from Bob Novak to the National Review to the Wall Street Journal -- are voicing outrage.

"A comprehensive apostasy against core Republican beliefs," fumed George Will, so infuriated that on December 20 the normally impeccable stylist used the same phrase twice in one paragraph: "Huckabee's radical candidacy," Will continued, "broadly repudiates core Republican policies such as free trade, low taxes, the essential legitimacy of America's corporate entities and the market system allocating wealth and opportunity."
…

Most importantly, endorsements notwithstanding, Christian evangelicals, who make up roughly 40 percent of the Republican electorate, are hungry for an alternative to Romney, Thompson, McCain, and Giuliani.

...

“A comprehensive apostasy against core Republican beliefs…”?

Really?

Well Mr. Will, allow me to introduce you to an arcane manuscript that you have perhaps never read.

The Platform of the Republican Party.

Come, George: Let’s you and I count all of the places where this canonical document of “Republican beliefs” has been either explicitly or implicitly crafted to pander to the Bibledragging imbeciles who make up the largest power bloc in “your” Party:

At the very ippy-tippy-top of the list?

Surprise!

Abortion
Promote adoption & abstinence, not abortion clinic referrals.
Human Life Amendment to the Constitution.

Translation: Letting a woman decide what to do with her body and -- not some Washington Theocrat -- makes Baby Jebus Cry.

Their very exciting Civil Rights plank has six points, three of which are about Teh Evil Gays

...
States should not recognize gay marriage from other states.
Constitutional Amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Translation: Letting two consenting adults decide who they should marry -- not some Washington Theocrat -- makes Baby Jebus Cry.

And

Homosexuality is incompatible with military service

Translation: Letting a qualified, patriotic American citizens choose to serve their country -- not some Washington Theocrat -- makes Teh Christian Soldiers nervous.

Which in turn makes Baby Jebus Cry.

Crime?

Support the death penalty.

Question: Why does your Party still demand the death penalty when every other civilized nation on Earth can see that state sanctioned murder does nothing to make their societies safer, but does leave a huge stain on their cultural soul?

Because unless we exact straight up Old Testament retribution for crime, the Prince of Peace will cry and cry and cry.

Because not killing people makes Baby Jebus Cry.

Drugs?

Jail time and school drug testing deters drug use.

Translation: The more ignorant you keep people and more insanely Old Testament you get over victimless crimes, the less Baby Jebus Cries.

Education?

Promote school choice and home-schooling.

Translation: Forcing Christian children to learn Scary Science in the same classrooms as smelly heathens makes Baby Jebus Cry.

And

Support voluntary student-initiated prayer in school.

Translation: There aren't already enough moments in the week when people of faith can silently ask God for help and guidance, which is why we need not some Washington Theocrat to carve out even more.

Anything less would make Baby Jebus Cry.

Energy & Oil?

No Kyoto, no mandatory carbon emissions controls.

Translation: There is no global warming. It is all made up by radical secular bastards. To make Baby Jebus Cry.


Families & Children?

Families are the cornerstone of our culture.

Translation: Of course, when we say "families", we mean white, evangelical Christian families with lots of science hating children and a Mommy who doesn't threaten the patriarchy by working outside the home, or having opinions of her own.

Who “...submit(s) herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.”

Because any other kind of "family" is a heathen blasphemy that makes Baby Jebus Cry.

Government Reform?

Stop activist judges from banning Pledge & Ten Commandments.

Because we are a Christian Nation, aren't we George?

Yay!

And because we are a Christian Nation, all government should be abolished except where it can be used to force people to stop from being Smelly Heathens (making sure that women take their proper place as Brood Mares, making sure that Teh Gays can't get married, and that they stay away from the Christian Soldiers, making sure that the followers of the Prince of Peace can be as heavily armed as humanly possible, etc.) and where it can be used to ram our righteous Christian Doctrine down the throats of the Smelly Heathens.

Gun Control?

Open more public land to hunting.
No frivolous gun lawsuits, no gun licensing.

Translation: Let Christians kill more of God’s Creatures, and do so with fewer restrictions, or Baby Jebus will cry.

Health Care?

…
ABC for AIDS: Abstinence, Be faithful, Change behavior.
No assisted suicide.

Well, Mr. Will, is there really any reason to continue?

The idea of turning America into a nice, tidy, White, Conservative, Christian theocracy is by now wound so deep into Republican DNA that the idea of Republicans “denouncing” their Christopaths and Wannabe Klansmen is as ridiculous as

as Michael Corleone “denouncing” the devil and all his pomps.

You hypocrites have been getting your electoral freak on with the same cast of patently insane, human venom sacs for 30 years.

But just like global warming, Iraq, Katrina, and a dozen other epic Republican failures, the whiffling cowards of the Republican Elite never thought they personally would have to pay the price for their midnight rambles through the Red Light districts of Jesusland.

Ah, but now that the Devil has come for his due, it's Judgment Day in the GOP.

And now they’re carrying your baby. Your future.

Your bootiful, bootiful tax cuts.

Your glorious vision of the Privatized Feudal States of American, Inc.

Your permanent majority.

All of that is in their hands, and they’re tired of being your behind-the-barn-by- the-dark-of-the-moon-crazyfuck.

They want the ring, baby!

They want you to repeat in public and on camera all those sweet, velvety “Of course I’ll love your unhinged ass forever! Of course I’m all packed and ready for the Rapture! Or course global thermonuclear war is a God’s Will! Now bend over and let me do you like dirty, dirty Humanist you bitch!” you whispered in their ears behind the pulpit, under the bleachers and during your lap dances in the

CPAC Champagne Room.

They want to hear you plight your troth for their racist, homophobic Armageddon-hungry favors out here where we all can hear it.

Time to put up or shut up, wankers.

Time to quit hiding and temporizing and pretending you can't smell the rots and rats running riot in your own sodden bed.

You have been dawdling at the altar for thirty years, Lowry: time to stand proudly beside your Succubus Bride, say I do and kiss them full on their berserker lips...or burn down the Party.

Because they will no longer be ignored

and we will no longer let you pretend the demon child they carry isn't yours.